Overwhelmed.

[CathyTheQueen]

I feel ridiculous. One child nearly school age. Work 4 days a week. Ex involved at his say so apparently this is changing come September but we'll see. I'm being a wimp but I feel overwhelmed. Ex has child 1 weekend a month but that can be with a 6 weeks gap so not every 4 weeks. Weekend to him is Saturday am to Sunday pm. Don't ask me to ask him for more because he says no. He does 1 to 2 nights a week again on his terms. I've got to buy school uniform, social engagements and people's birthdays this month and it's all too much.

You're perfectly within your rights to feel overwhelmed but it sounds like you're doing an amazing job managing it all on your own. Is there any family who could look after your child occasionally to give you a bit more of a break? Can you take some annual leave to recharge? Maybe try to get out of some of the social engagements if you can and for the birthdays just pop some money or a gift card in the birthday card.

It's just never ending. Grandparents already do enough. I can't ask for anymore.

I've got to accept I'm trapped by my ex and his shifts and his PA attitude until Dc is old enough to sort themselves out.

He has his shifts so ages before he cherry picks the best days off and gives me the scraps. I can't plan anything . He gives me Augusts shifts in the middle of July!

I think you need to stop working around him. Book stuff, so what if he wants the date, tough luck.

I hope he pays maintenance op?

But he point blank refuses so I cannot leave a 4 year old alone so i have to cancel.

He does pay maintenance.

I'm in a new relationship and I like him but it's alot to keep going at once.

I just want to be alone.

I don’t think there is any point in asking him to do more, because he won’t, I wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of having you ask. I also wouldn’t be relying on him and would make plans without factoring him in, so that you can’t be let down at the last minute. Finally, I would make him go through a process of formalising set contact time.

I'm having to get all bits of uniform from all different shops too

I have to accept this is my life now

Can you start saying he can have every third weekend and if he can’t do that not to bother? It’s not reasonable to have such an adhoc arrangement. Must be a nightmare for planning.

He won't do it. I've asked and asked. He just won't.

I’d be inclined to tell him to stick it altogether then. I imagine you’d find it less stressful just knowing where you stand.

I think you need formal arrangements. In a way it would be better for him too, he just doesn’t know this yet.

Four year olds are hard work! I was alone for many years and used to oray for some support or help- sadly my prayer was never answered until recently. What did make a difference was not allowing myself the luxury of self pity- if I had gone that way I would have broken.

So I did meal planning
strict cleaning routine
cooked some wasier fast meals
leant in when DC were whiny or clingy by giving them all of m attention instead of pushing them away.
saved every penny
gave myself positive reassurance and support
told myself if I wasn’t sutting at home relaxing I’d just be somewhere else which would probably be as relaxing
made long to do lists on my commute

At the end I was really strong, calm and together. The thought of a ity and withering glances from other school
mums because me/dc didn’t have our shit together was too much for me.

The positive is I am a better, nicer, harder working person now. My DD is super successful and tgat makes some of the sacrifice worthwhile

Re-frame your thinking, and take back some control. Tell him that the as and when nature of contact isn't working for DC or for you, so you are changing it as of 'date'. He can have 1st /3rd weekends or 2nd/4th. No more last minute changes. No further discussion.

Then - and this is the mad bit - you assume he won't do it. You plan to have your child exclusively on your own. It sounds awful but I promise you, it will get easier. You can't get your head straight when you're being continually messed about. When you start from the assumption that he won't have any input, it will be easier.

Ok

That's more help than a lot of lone mums get, I don't get any weekends or weekdays off plus my dd doesn't have any grandparents or any other family to have her.

You're obviously a much better person than me lollipop. Well done. You're amazing. I'm in awe of you.

Lone mum here with 2 kids - acceptance is key. I don’t expect my ex to see them and I don’t even mention it to them so their hopes don’t get up. I f he does see them then great. But I plan my life around me being 100% parent and it’s so much easier.
don’t look for someone to rescue you, rescue yourself

@CathyTheQueen yeah I feel great not having help or grandparents for my dd, no need to be so touchy.