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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To say that many people don't think saying "thank you" is important these days?

32 replies

turquoise1988 · 30/07/2022 22:20

I have two DC, aged 7 and 4. Like many, they've been invited to several children's parties so far this year.

At each party we've been to, we've given a gift and a card. Haven't spent silly amounts, but would like to think that we've been thoughtful and gone to some sort of effort.

Of all of the parties we've been to this year, which is probably around 7-8, only one child/parent sent a note to say thank you for attending the party and for the gift.

Now before anyone says that 'thank you notes' are a thing of the past, I know that this is true in many cases. But AIBU to expect a thank you at the party itself or a text afterwards just as acknowledgement?

Before we leave we always say the usual "thanks for having us," which is usually met with a "thanks for coming," but do people just assume that this also means "thanks for the gift" as well now?

Example - one party we went to recently. We arrived, gift in hand, to be met by the party child who looked at us and said, "the presents go over there." Then...nothing. No thanks, not even from the parent.

It's not even just kids' parties. Family member had a wedding a couple of years back. We bought a nice gift, spent money getting new outfits, travelling there, etc. Not even as much as a text to say thanks!

Another friend recently had a baby and her older child's birthday was around the same time. Again, we visited, bought gifts for both, which were not acknowledged when we went there. Of course, I know and understand that life with a newborn gives you a brain fog. But even a few weeks or even months after...nothing? Even a "you know what it's like in the early days, but just wanted to send a quick text to say thanks for X and X's things," would have been plenty!

I don't know. I'm probably going to be told I massively overthink it. But AIBU to think that more and more people just assume that you know they are thankful and can't really be arsed/don't think about putting in a minuscule amount of effort to say "thanks" for people's time, effort and gifts?

OP posts:

Incacat2 · 30/07/2022 22:24

I agree with all that you have said. It's rude and irritating. I stopped buying for my older nephews because the gifts were never acknowledged. I don't want letters or notes. A text is fine. The kid at the party has learnt this behaviour from the parents.

Rainallnight · 30/07/2022 22:24

I’ve been thinking about this recently. The thing in our school seems to be to send a message to the whole WhatsApp group you’ve set up for the party, saying ‘thank you for coming and thanks for the lovely presents’. I’ve been slightly taken aback and have messaged everyone individually after my DC’s parties, along the lines of ‘thanks so much for the jigsaw, it’s right up X’s street’.

but maybe we’re out of step with the times?

Rainallnight · 30/07/2022 22:27

I suppose a more transactional way of looking at it might be, they’ve given you the party, you’ve given them the present, so you’re quits?

ShirleyPhallus · 30/07/2022 22:30

I agree, it’s rude, I’ve been to a few weddings which haven’t sent a thank you card after and it’s really rankled because I have wished i hadn’t bothered with the gift!

Anyone who says thank you in person I think is fine, I don’t need a thank you follow up, but for those wedding websites / cash in a card type things they should say thanks. As should kiddy presents.

AliMonkey · 30/07/2022 22:31

Agree that lots of people don't seem to bother and that it's rude. I suspect the general "thanks everyone for coming and the gifts" may be because, particularly with a whole class party, tags came off or card got separated from the present and they couldn't work out whose was whose. And then maybe there weren't as many gifts as children so they couldn't even do individual "thank you for the gift" to everyone as there must have been someone who didn't bring one. Or maybe they are just lazy ...

My teenage DS hates sending thank yous but even he, under sufferance, sends an email or text eg "To X, Thanks for my Y. From DS". It's not ideal but at least he does it whereas many don't bother - and those who send gifts know he's socially awkward so cut him some slack.

Chazx · 30/07/2022 22:31

I sort of understand your gripe at lack of thanks during the event but continued thanks afterwards? We hosted a party recently. I thanked all the children and the adult who dropped child off for two things: bringing child and gift. I also thanked again when they collected children. I think it's overboard to follow up after the event but perhaps I'm too casual?

Original poster

turquoise1988 · 30/07/2022 22:32

@Rainallnight I agree, or Facebook posts that say "We've had a great day, thanks everyone for coming and for the gifts."

I don't know...it just seems a bit...lazy? Like people can't be arsed to spend time saying thanks individually, so a blanket message will do.

It just frustrates me. We don't have to be at these parties, we usually do it with the DC in mind and aside from a quick catch up with a few fellow parents, I find them same-y. There are many other things we could be doing as a family, yet we try and make the effort to attend. Just sometimes makes me wonder why we bother! Maybe I need to wise up.

OP posts:

Original poster

turquoise1988 · 30/07/2022 22:35

@Chazx What you've done is fine though - you've thanked child and parent for attending and for the gift during the party itself, verbally.

My point is, as in the example I gave above, often we've had situations where you arrive, are directed to the present table or whatever and there is zero acknowledgement either then, or after!

OP posts:

Chazx · 30/07/2022 22:38

As for a wedding, yes 100 pc expect a formal thanks or personal acknowledgement. It's a huge life event, you are giving up a whole day most likely with travel and will have given a more substantial gift.

Fivemoreminutesinbed · 30/07/2022 22:39

I find it is the baby boomers who are quite often rude as well. Not just a young person thing.

Mally100 · 30/07/2022 22:40

Chazx · 30/07/2022 22:31

I agree. I don't see the need to send 20 thank you texts when we have said it to their face.

ShirleyPhallus · 30/07/2022 22:41

Fivemoreminutesinbed · 30/07/2022 22:39

I find it is the baby boomers who are quite often rude as well. Not just a young person thing.

Yes I agree, but then I always wonder how much they actually want that tea towel / thoughtful wrap / gentle novel / set of scented candles always suggested on here!

DuggeeHugPlease · 30/07/2022 22:46

I recently did our first big whole class party and ended up with almost 40 kids but yes I scrupulously kept a list of names and gifts as they were being opened and sent follow up thank you texts. I wouldn't do thank you cards to school friends as it would just be too much to do 40 and I think a text is enough in this situation.

MiddleParking · 30/07/2022 22:49

I think most people consider the requirement for thank yous to be commensurate with the occasion and the gift. A thanks in person at the time and possibly a Facebook post is fine for a wee kid’s birthday party imo; obviously thank you notes are more appropriate for a wedding, but then you hopefully only have to do that once in a lifetime. I also think it’s a bit much to expect the hosting parents to feel you’ve genuinely done them a favour expending the effort of letting your child go to their party instead of ‘doing something else as a family’ tbh!

sst1234 · 30/07/2022 22:50

ok so you get invited to a party, you take a gift. Then you expect a thankyou note even though the host invited, presumably fed you and entertained you.

Next you will be sending them a thankyou note to say thanks for sending a thanks for acknowledging my gift and sending a note. Then they will have to say thankyou again. And on it goes. Bonkers.

Angelinflipflops · 30/07/2022 22:51

Isn't a verbal thank you at the point of handing over the gift enough?

Bluevelvetsofa · 30/07/2022 22:53

I’ve stopped buying for relatives who don’t acknowledge a gift. Particularly when it’s been posted and you don’t know whether it’s even been received.

HeddaGarbled · 30/07/2022 22:55

I suppose a more transactional way of looking at it might be, they’ve given you the party, you’ve given them the present, so you’re quits

That’s a very good point.

I think this is one of those things that people get a bee in their bonnet about but as long as people are friendly and hospitable, anything else is just performative. I’d rather my children were invited to stuff and people looked pleased to see them when they arrived, than I received a meaningless formulaic message a few days later.

GrandRapids · 30/07/2022 22:57

My husbands siblings and their children are like this. Nobody says thank you or expresses any gratitude for gifts, which I find incredibly rude. Nor do the children say please when asking for something (I correct them when they're at my house as I just don't stand for it).

CakeCrumbs44 · 30/07/2022 22:57

Yes I think it's really rude.
I have started sending a text that evening/next day to the parent, saying "thanks for having us, DD had a great time, hope Sophie had a lovely birthday x" and they usually text back with a thanks for coming and for the gift. But if I don't prompt, there isn't a thank you

What annoys me more is relatives who I send gifts to in the post who don't say thank you or even acknowledge that I've sent anything.

Original poster

turquoise1988 · 30/07/2022 22:59

@sst1234 @Angelinflipflops Please, read the OP and my responses before you post!

OP posts:

StarDolphins · 30/07/2022 23:03

@Rainallnight i totally agree! I had my DD’sparty last week & wrote down everything that her friends had got her & sent a message directly to their parent saying thanks you for e.g the book, she really liked it & we’ll be reading that tonight etc……

over the last month, she’s been to 11 parties & only 2 sent proper messages & all the rest sent ‘thanks for coming & thanks for present’

its so sad but not surprising- at the zip wire today, I always take it back to the next child/teen once my DD has had her go & hardly any said thanks! I always remind my DD to say thanks.

manners are SO important & this makes me sad.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 30/07/2022 23:06

IME thank you cards have been replaced by thank you texts, and that’s fine!

What annoys me is every day manners have gone out the window. My kids have it drilled into them to say their P’s and Q’s but I get annoyed at how often I have to remind other people’s kids to say please and thank you. Sometimes their parents are standing right there and I’m thinking “tell them to bloody say thanks!”

NumberTheory · 30/07/2022 23:25

I have not noticed a particular lack of thank yous for gifts at parties my kids attend.

I would say I have been hearing adults complain about how people (especially kids) don’t bother with thank yous anymore for 50 years, since I was a child myself. I think if it were actually the case we wouldn’t hear it at all, ever.

TobySpaniel · 30/07/2022 23:28

It's hugely important to me.
I have gone NC with someone recently as they didn't say thank you for something and it was the straw that broke the camels back!

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