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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

I don’t know what to do

31 replies

Becky6758 · 30/07/2022 21:59

This isn’t really a AIBU but I’m posting for traffic.

I don’t know what to do and I’m wondering what other people would do in this situation as I can’t think straight and can’t stop crying.

I'm pregnant and I don’t know if I should keep it or not…

Myself and my partner have been together just over 14 years. We have a mortgage on a 3 bed house, both work and we already have two children together. A dd11 and a ds9.

We were not in any way trying for a baby. Iv had problems taking birth control as Iv had a lot of issues with it in the past. We religiously use condoms from start to finish since I had our son 9 years ago.
Recently the condom split (2nd time it’s happened in 9 years so never really an issue) and I went and got the morning after pill within less then 18 hours and took it as soon as I sat in my car in the car park.

Fast forward a few weeks and I haven’t come on so I took a test. I’m pregnant. Im devastated.

My biggest issue is my youngest. He is amazing and I love him to death but he has severe Autism, he’s still in nappies, he’s non-verbal, limited understanding and goes to a special needs school. He will either need to be in supervised residential when he’s an adult or he will have to live with us full time. I’m only saying the above to paint a true picture that he really is severe.

I always wanted a third but my son was fully diagnosed by 2yrs 5 months and we made the choice that we couldn’t risk having another one incase they also had autism.

Our daughter doesn’t have Autism and is NT.

OP posts:
Original poster
Becky6758 · 30/07/2022 22:04

Sorry, half my post seems to have disappeared!

Im worried about having another child with Autism. I’m worried about having such a HUGE age gap between my kids if I kept it.
Im worried about starting again.
Im worried I don’t have enough space in my house as my son has to have his own room.

I can’t stop crying and I can’t think straight. I’m totally 50/50 and I’m wondering what other level headed people would do.
Everyone will think Iv lost my rocker if I announce a pregnancy.

My partner has said he would prefer If I would have an abortion as he’s worried about having another child with a disability and we were ‘done’ but that it’s my body and it’s my choice. He will support me whichever way and I know he means this.

Would I be mad to keep this child? What would others do :(

OP posts:
Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2022 22:04

I'm very sorry you're in this position. I think you should do what's best for your existing children. Also, given that your son has such extreme needs, how could you manage to give a new baby what they need?

Again, I'm so sorry.

Original poster
Becky6758 · 30/07/2022 22:04

Didn’t mean to enable voting either. 😕

OP posts:
icelollycraving · 30/07/2022 22:06

I think you may find AIBU a harsh choice for this kind of thread.

Badgirlriri · 30/07/2022 22:06

I’m very sorry you’re in this situation but I don’t think I would keep it. You have too much on your hands and don’t deserve more on top.

NuffSaidSam · 30/07/2022 22:08

I think you have to go with your heart.

None of the practical issues are insurmountable. But it will undeniably be difficult. There are obviously big unknown elements, but that's true of all big decisions.

Either decision is completely valid.

cantthinkofabetterusername · 30/07/2022 22:10

I'm so sorry you're in this position OP.
You have a lot on your plate as it is, although nobody on here can tell you what to do it has to be your choice.
Everyone's situation is different, in your shoes I personally would terminate but that's me. I have 4 kids already although none with issues like your DC, my partner has had a vasectomy as we don't want more kids and if I was to get pregnant now I'd seriously consider termination.
Big hugs OP Flowers

Purpleforthewin · 30/07/2022 22:16

I would suggest that you have some time to get some counselling to help you work through your options before making a decision.

HollowTalk · 30/07/2022 22:23

I think you have enough on your plate. It must be really tough looking after two children, one with additional needs. I would get things sorted sooner rather than later. I'm really sorry you're in this position. Perhaps look at your partner getting a vasectomy? 💐

Original poster
Becky6758 · 30/07/2022 22:30

HollowTalk · 30/07/2022 22:23

I think you have enough on your plate. It must be really tough looking after two children, one with additional needs. I would get things sorted sooner rather than later. I'm really sorry you're in this position. Perhaps look at your partner getting a vasectomy? 💐

He will 100% be getting the snip now. Iv already said if I have a termination then that’s final and we won’t ever be having anymore kids so he will need a vasectomy and I also said if we went through with this then we won’t be having anymore so he will need to have it that way too.

Hes already agreed and will ring a clinic on Monday.

He seems more concerned that we get through this unscathed relationship wise which is why he’s happy for me to decide.

OP posts:
GreyGoose1980 · 30/07/2022 22:34

I suggest you talk it through with a counsellor OP. Sorry you are facing this. Neither decision is wrong - go with your heart.

ElegantlyTouched · 30/07/2022 22:34

If you woke up bleeding in the morning how would you feel, devestated or relieved?

Original poster
Becky6758 · 30/07/2022 22:36

Thank you everyone for your thoughts.

I honestly think life is so unfair sometimes. I’m so upset I’m in this position when I feel I did everything right. I honestly took the morning after pill as soon as I could the next day. It was less then 18 hours.

I can only assume I was actually ovulating when I took it (which I wouldn’t know) and that’s the reason it didn’t work.

I do want to mention though that I find my son fairly easy to look after (at the moment but we all know that can change within days). My daughter and son get along extremely well and I have no fighting between them.

OP posts:
Original poster
Becky6758 · 30/07/2022 22:38

ElegantlyTouched · 30/07/2022 22:34

If you woke up bleeding in the morning how would you feel, devestated or relieved?

I think relieved with a side of sadness.
I’d be glad the choice was taken away from me mostly as I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about having a termination.

OP posts:
Bourbanbiscuit · 30/07/2022 22:39

So so sorry, my personal opinion is that you are already at full stretch, don't put anymore on yourself. Lots of love x

MrsTerryPratchett · 30/07/2022 22:42

It sounds like you don't want to have another baby. You're just not happy with the idea of abortion. In that case, I would terminate.

AMBE123 · 30/07/2022 22:45

So sorry you are going through this. You already have your hands full and while it's a horrible decision you are faced with, you need to consider your existing responsibility to the kids you already have.
Also, if you take the morning after pill and it doesn't work, I have been told there is a risk of abnormalities to the foetus and abortion may be medically advised - maybe I was misinformed, but something to check ...

Aquamarine1029 · 30/07/2022 22:46

Your son may be fairly easy now, but I'm afraid that will definitely change as he reaches his teen years.

There is absolutely nothing wrong with knowing you shouldn't have another child. Any guilt is totally misplaced.

Whoactuallythinksthat · 30/07/2022 22:47

It’s a very hard decision, OP, I’m sorry you’re having to make the choice. As someone who is not currently pg and doesn’t have the flying hormones, I think if I were in your position I would terminate. Logically it seems to be the more sensible option. If you could turn back the clock and avoid it happening, would you? If the answer is yes, then maybe having the baby wouldn’t be a good idea.
It all easier said than done though.

Vikinga · 30/07/2022 22:51

You say that you don't find your son hard to look after. You already know that he may be living with you forever. Maybe talk to other parents with children with autism , or more that one child with autism to see whether you would be able to cope if you had another child with autism.

Sometimes when we are experienced and have everything set up for something, adding another one isn't that hard.

I have 4 kids and pets. I also have their friends over a lot. I don't get stressed about it and enjoy having a house full of kids. I know that some of my friends with 2 kids have to psyche themselves up to have a few kids over for a sleepover whereas it doesn't bother me at all.

But they don't have SEN so only you can decide what your coping levels are.

GroggyLegs · 30/07/2022 22:51

Oh gosh OP 💐

I think I would feel as torn as you.
Objectively, ending the pregnancy would be the best thing for all of your family.

Looking at the ages of your children things are probably going to get more emotionally demanding over the next few years, plus your son's additional needs and pairing all of that with the physical demands of a toddler sounds overwhelming to me.

But it comes at a personal cost and I appreciate how horrible this is for you. If you do continue the pregnancy good luck & screw the raised eyebrows.

StClare101 · 30/07/2022 23:07

In your situation I would not hesitate to have an abortion. I’d already be booked in.

All the best with whatever you decide.

OgdensGoneNutFlake · 30/07/2022 23:11

No-one here can decide for you OP, however it's very telling that in your first post you have mentioned a lot of reasons to have a termination, and none for keeping it.

ElegantlyTouched · 30/07/2022 23:14

Becky6758 · 30/07/2022 22:38

I think relieved with a side of sadness.
I’d be glad the choice was taken away from me mostly as I wouldn’t have to feel guilty about having a termination.

Show quote history

I got answering that question helps. If your only answer was that you'd be devestated I'd suggest it would not be the right decision to go ahead.

Original poster
Becky6758 · 31/07/2022 18:13

Thanks everyone. We are going to have another talk tonight and decide.

OP posts: