Do you ever feel that you aren't mentally stimulating?

[Bzzzzzzz]

I have a Degree and I'm doing a Master's, and I speak other languages well so I guess I must have some level of intelligence.
I think that I just don't read a lot, lack general knowledge and lack a great understanding of politics, and this translates in a certain way to people.
I enjoy reading to learn, for instance I've been reading a book about Chinese culture which is really interesting. I don't enjoy reading novels or philosophy, I just can't get into a lot of fiction.

I don't do well in pub quizzes because of my lack of general knowledge. As I say I have a basic idea of politics but certainly not in depth.
I do read the news daily but I just think I come across to people as lacking in depth.

I was looking at some Facebook profiles and there are many posts about feminism, politics etc. That I really couldn't see myself engaging in debate on.

I stumbled across some old Facebook messages of somebody I'd had feelings for as a teenager (15 years ago really). I couldn't care less about this loser now but reading the messages he'd rejected me as we had nothing 'concrete' in common, in his words, we'd end up just "talking about the weather" etc.
I'd been interested in him as we were learning the same language and liked a lot of the same music but this came across as if he saw himself as clearly intellectually superior to me.

I had an abusive ex who told me the girl he cheated on me with 'challenges' him mentally. I do share opinions and I don't always agree with everything people say, I didn't quite know what he meant.

I'm worried my partner views me as lacking. Obviously we're all different, he doesn't have the qualifications that I have but he's certainly 'smarter' in my eyes. He seems to favour me for kindness and patience as well as sense of humour, which are important traits, though I guess he wouldn't be with me if he thought I was missing in some areas. However he's never said anything about how I stimulate or challenge him. I remember feeling a bit insecure as he told me he and this woman at work had read 5 of the same books of late, I hadn't read any of them. However it shouldn't matter I know.

People always say they want or are attracted to a partner that 'challenges' and stimulates them. Come to think of it, I was seeing a guy for around a month who told me that he needed to be 'battled more' whatever that meant. Ultimately these people aren't right for me but I think the combination of it has affected my self esteem.
I'm sure the answer will be to keep reading and learning more, but is it? I hope people know what I'm trying to say here. Sorry it's long.

I also have a very limited knowledge of history, again I know the basics about the Industrial Revolution and basics about the World Wars, but I'm no buff.

I think you've allowed people's twatty opinions to make you devalue yourself. I'd consider a man saying he wanted a partner who challenged or battled him quite a red flag tbh. And I would suspect them of being a bit of a misogynist. Being challenging is not a necessary part of being intelligent, interesting, thoughtful etc. It sounds like you are plenty interesting, OP. Just swerve those red flag idiots!

I know the feeling op. But I think any changes or learning you want to do should be based on making you feel good not impressing some men who sound a bit rude!

A lot of your post described me well, the lack of general/deep political knowledge, I haven’t seen loads of the “important” films and don’t know much about music to be honest. I do like to read fiction though so have read a few recent “trendy” books but not exactly intellectual literature.

One difference I would say is I am definitely challenging, as I’m basically emotionally high maintenance, stubborn and sensitive, and very argumentative. So my (poor) DH definitely finds me challenging. I don’t think that’s necessarily a good thing!

I know exactly what you’re getting at though, I have friends who are also a bit like this, a bit, to be blunt, “bland”. But they are all lovely people (nicer than me) and have happy relationships. Some people are just more chilled than others.

If you want to make a change, why don’t you identify one area (eg literature, music, politics) and start reading more widely into it?

I think you need to set aside all the bits you feel useless at and concentrate on what interests you.

No-one knows everything and more importantly, ex partners are exes for a reason...

I put YABU because you are being unreasonable to give these twats head space. You are a lovely person, clearly inteligent and the right person for you loves you for who you are.
As Fairislefandango said, you sound interesting and so swerve those idiots.

I also have a very limited knowledge of history, again I know the basics about the Industrial Revolution and basics about the World Wars, but I'm no buff.

I know sod all about history and am married to a former history teacher . We are of similar intelligence but have very different areas of 'expertise'. Honestly - you need to stop worrying about what you don't know about - it's not important! Read/watch/do stuff you enjoy. A relationship shouldn't require an entrance exam.

Thanks, a lot of it is probably self esteem.
There are other interesting things about me, I like to do art and I'm into sports. I think I need to focus on my strengths more.
I have a very varied taste in music too.

I will try to keep learning about what interests me and not what I think I should be learning

Go on You Tube, watch a few videos.

I have pretty good general knowledge but lack socially, as I spent my kiddihood reading non-fiction, as we had limited books, social stuff and no internet.

Opportunity cost...you can only do so much.

he told me he and this woman at work had read 5 of the same books of late

What a dickhead.

It's a shame you are doubting yourself as you are obviously very smart. I think it comes down to self-perception. I am sure we all know people who think that they are smart but are not. I always wonder where their confidence comes from but you seem to be the opposite. Unfortunately, some comments said to you years ago have stuck in your head.

I mean he told me that he and this colleague were discussing books, and that every time he'd named a book, she'd say , "Oh I've read that one too."

Do you need to be mentally stimulating? It’s never occurred to me that it might be a trait I need. I assume that if the people around me were looking for mental stimulation, they’d go to a museum or listen to a podcast or read a book. It’s my job to be a good friend and partner, good fun to hang out with, enjoyable company, great sex, and so forth, not stimulate their intellect. Seems to do me pretty well.

You're right.. it just seems to be what many people are attracted to and look for, so I feel like I should be

Is it? I don’t think I’ve ever dated anybody who expected it to be honest. It sounds a little as though this teenage boyfriend was just a bit of a tit - as many teens are, full of self importance and the belief that they are so very clever and knowledge and should be talking about their clever knowledgeable things all the time - and you’ve carried your lack of self confidence with you where it isn’t warranted.

DP and I might talk about politics, current affairs, history, linguistics etc but we do it entirely in passing, it’s certainly not about mentally stimulating each other, it’s just chat. I went out for dinner with my ex last night and we discussed everything from Charlie Sheen to Thai cookery tips to what our old neighbours are doing with themselves nowadays. We had a thoroughly lovely time and I really don’t think either of us wished the other was a more superior intellect.

You have taken three comments from your past and extrapolated this.

An unrequited love from 15 years ago said that you didn't have anything in common - not necessarily a criticism of you, and nothing about your intellect or ability to mentally stimulate him.

An abusive ex who said that you didn't challenge him. But he was abusive so who cares what he thinks?

A short-term fling who said he wanted someone who battled him more. God knows what he's looking for. Arguments and drama maybe.

Your current dp pays you compliments and seems happy with you but because he has never said that you are mentally stimulating, you assume you are not? I have never paid anyone that compliment because it would be a really weird thing to say.

If you are bothered, why not ask him?

And someone at work has read some books that he has read. So what? Does she have a masters and speak other languages? I feel that you are competing in a competition that nobody else knows or cares about.

In my experience feeling like this comes from someone knocking your confidence.

I used to worry a bit about stuff like this because my XH chipped away at my confidence for years. I ended up worrying I was dull, thick (2 masters degrees) and lacking socially.

I'm not, five years on I don't care too much what people think of me, I've built a really good social life and a circle of close friends that I didn't have when XH was in my life.

Look forward OP, do the things you enjoy and are interested in for yourself and no one else.

I do sometimes wonder whether people assume that others are judging them in the same way that they themselves are judging other people.

I mean - you speak several languages and have a masters degree. Do you ever find yourself speaking to other people and thinking that they lack intelligence?

If so, you will naturally assume that other people are judging you for the same reasons. When they almost certainly aren't.

The thing about intellectual stimulation is it comes down to having things you really care about.

Eg you notice people of a certain age often start getting much more interested in policies around health & education when they start a family as it becomes very close to home, you notice things like teacher shortages etc.

People who talk about literature, history, travel etc, that's what really interests them.

What really gets you going OP? Is there anything you care a lot about or feel passionately about?

I'm sure you have loads to contribute OP maybe just your "thing" hasn't come up much.

Sounds like you are quite an amiable pleasant person maybe? They wanted someone a bit more feisty?

The fact of the matter is, what they think doesn't matter. What matters is what you think. I think there is a lot of value in being a kind and patient person who is nice.

I am argumentative, sensitive... hard work. I always wished I was nicer and easier going. But we are who we are.

Honestly OP, even just on the basis of the interests and qualifications you've listed on this thread, I can't imagine who would call you dull or non-mentally stimulating (unless they were negging or just plain unpleasant).

Thanks for your replies, I do think I have opinions on various issues, I just don't know how to develop them or back them up I suppose.
Obviously I do if I've completed Master's level essays, but not really in conversation.

I guess I just felt inadequate when my partner talked about this colleague, as he also mentioned how interesting her background and career was (even if it wasn't meant to be deliberate).
His ex was also a massive reader.
I'll just try to focus on being me though, to stop worrying about that other people expect and how I should be

But someone saying another person is interesting doesn't mean you are not!

If you had an opinion about everything and always had a lot to say some people wouldn't like that either. People wing it in conversation all the time based on little knowledge, others bore people to tears talking about their favourite subject. It sounds like you need more confidence really and to value yourself more . Have some stock phrases to show you are interested or want to learn about something that's new to you. Or learn to say politely that something isn't your thing or say what is your interest that's similar ,what you are reading rather than what you haven't read. With the Internet it is dead easy to find out anything that sparks your interest but I think general interest knowledge has been reduced as we have more options to watch /find out about our own interests rather than being presented with a wide range of information which we might have found deathly dull but took in because we couldn't go down a youtube rabbit hole about the one subject we were interested in.

I like learning about new things, art, nature, history, religion, science & other cultures

I have always been like this

Before the Internet I used to go the library & buy second hand books & magazines

I have never done this for anyone else, I am just naturally curios.

No one person will know everything, even if they are a mega savant

Enjoy meeting other people & learning

Every day is a new opportunity