To say to exH he shouldn't see kids 1:1 atm?

[medianewbie]

Got up this am to a letter from SW: 'children & families duty team has received info & recorded this info but do not intend taking any further action in this instance'.
I phoned them. They were cagey but eventually said it was to do with 'Police contact on 25 July'. There was no contact. They asked 'if I was estranged from my husband'. I said yes, we live separately (1 year) we are divorcing. He tends to visit kids at mine as they both have Autism & prefer it that way.
SW suggested I speak to my ex-H.

On 25th kids & I were on long drive delivering home some holiday sleepover friends. ExH was to come by later. He'd come to my house earlier than agreed (he's not great at timekeeping) so let himself in to wait (has a 2nd key still, can't change locks till divorce).

He said: Hes been depressed. His work were worried & contacted Police to do a welfare check. He was not at his own address. (He was at my house, as above) Police texted him. He spoke to them by phone, they still wanted to do a F2F, he said he was at my house but offered to go home/ to a Police station but they said 'have car in area' & came to my house. Spoke to him in hallway, went away. They contacted SW who recorded it as an under 16 in house.

I called SW back to relay this. They said they felt that it was poor procedure by Police & that i should not have had an unexpected letter from them on doorstep in middle of bank holiday weekend but that the file notes would have to stand. So, there's still a record on SW file of Police at my house.

I don't want to kick someone when they are down but I feel that exH should have TOLD me. I asked him why not & he said: not right moment / you were too busy (he has form for not taking responsibility..). Not good enough.

SW seem fine, but I think it would be better for him not to have kids 1:1 atm.
(atm there's no formal arrangement its been ad hoc to kids needs & worked fine)

('Kids' are 17 & 15 but both have Autism so are effectively younger than that)

It seems that there is a lot of expectation for you (and us) to read between the lines here. Was the welfare check by the police because they were worried about him harming himself or attempting suicide?

Some questions:
Have you ever been concerned about his MH, or how he is with the DC?

What bank holiday, none in UK on 25 July?

Also, could he be autistic too?

Monday is a BH in Scotland and N Ireland

She received the letter mid BH weekend, she said - that's today

My instinct is he should pick up from yours and take the kids somewhere close by for an activity, meal / ice cream / trip to the cinema / walk & pic nic in the park. What you want to avoid, aside from the obvious risks of physical danger, is the kids being expected to perform gruelling emotional labour to support their Dad. The advantage that way is the kids have a safe base to return to if it gets too much.

But that assumes your kids can use a mobile to call you if they want to end early. Autism is a spectrum so that may not be realistic.

Monday is a bank holiday in school which would make this weekend a bank holiday weekend

*scotland, not sure why i said school 😂

In Scotland so yes re bank holiday.

He may be ASD yes (has scored highly on online tests but refuses an NHS assessment). He is certainly very rigid which has made co parenting difficult for years. I am sympathetic to the MH difficulties but not when he conceals that the Police have been to my house.

I agree. I asked him outright. He says No, but obviously he's choosing not to share important stuff with me right now. I do know he's seeing his GP.

(Sorry re date, I did Google before I posted but didn't think through the 1 Aug being Monday!)

If his work were concerned enough about him to notify the authorities there must be something.

Yes, he's clearly not in a good place.
Hes had Depression in the past & its hard work for all of us as well as him.
The kids have enough to cope with tbh.

I'm just not sure if overly harsh to say I don't want him visiting / kids 1:1 atm?

Has he used the kids for emotional support in the past?

If he visits them at your house, do you usually stay around?

Nope thats absolutely fine.

I think it's unfair to say he shouldn't have them 1:1 if he has been already and his behaviour hasn't given you any cause for concern enough to stop contact, on the basis that the police sent a car to your house and nothing else happened.

I think it’s reasonable that you would have wanted to be informed, I’m not sure it’s to prevent him seeing the kids 1 on 1 unless they’re especially vulnerable due to their autism.

What do you mean by “recorded it as an under 16 in house”?

Oh whoops sorry I’ve just read one of the kids is 15, hence the under 16 comment 🤦‍♀️ I read too quickly

Yes @Wombat100 but the OP's point is that they weren't in the house at the time!
Although I guess it still gets noted as a "household containing under 16s".

Actually OP, you should be prepared for the school/college having been informed by the police as a safeguarding protocol, and then having to check in with the DC that they are OK when term begins again....

I'd maybe email them to explain the kids weren't actually present, although that won't stop them checking in with the kids I think.

I don't think you can or should stop contact on this basis unless you have any reason to think the kids are at risk. Given that he already doesn't have them overnight at his I don't see the risk in him seeing them at yours or taking them out somewhere.

Flip it. If you were depressed would you say that you shouldn't have access to your kids?

I think supervised contact would be reasonable and best for everyone. At least until he starts informing you of what made his work so worried.

Why should he lose contact with his children if he's deemed to have done nothing wrong?

@medianewbie yes, I think unless he's honest and forthcoming about why work were worried enough to call the police and the police were worried enough to come. I would probably be too concerned to leave him alone with the kids. Clearly I don't know your house or location but if you're happy for him to carry on coming to your house to see the kids I'd probably just stay nearby (but not necessarily in the same room) e.g. reading a book in the garden or watching tv in your bedroom. So its quick and easy for the kids to get you if they feel worried or uncomfortable but there's still a degree of OH having a visit with the kids.

I don't think you have the authority to decide this, he is their dad and as much their parent as you are.

This. If the kids are happy to see him I don't get the problem, they're not babies.