To say to exH he shouldn't see kids 1:1 atm?

[medianewbie]

Got up this am to a letter from SW: 'children & families duty team has received info & recorded this info but do not intend taking any further action in this instance'.
I phoned them. They were cagey but eventually said it was to do with 'Police contact on 25 July'. There was no contact. They asked 'if I was estranged from my husband'. I said yes, we live separately (1 year) we are divorcing. He tends to visit kids at mine as they both have Autism & prefer it that way.
SW suggested I speak to my ex-H.

On 25th kids & I were on long drive delivering home some holiday sleepover friends. ExH was to come by later. He'd come to my house earlier than agreed (he's not great at timekeeping) so let himself in to wait (has a 2nd key still, can't change locks till divorce).

He said: Hes been depressed. His work were worried & contacted Police to do a welfare check. He was not at his own address. (He was at my house, as above) Police texted him. He spoke to them by phone, they still wanted to do a F2F, he said he was at my house but offered to go home/ to a Police station but they said 'have car in area' & came to my house. Spoke to him in hallway, went away. They contacted SW who recorded it as an under 16 in house.

I called SW back to relay this. They said they felt that it was poor procedure by Police & that i should not have had an unexpected letter from them on doorstep in middle of bank holiday weekend but that the file notes would have to stand. So, there's still a record on SW file of Police at my house.

I don't want to kick someone when they are down but I feel that exH should have TOLD me. I asked him why not & he said: not right moment / you were too busy (he has form for not taking responsibility..). Not good enough.

SW seem fine, but I think it would be better for him not to have kids 1:1 atm.
(atm there's no formal arrangement its been ad hoc to kids needs & worked fine)

('Kids' are 17 & 15 but both have Autism so are effectively younger than that)

I arranged for kids & I & exH to low key meet up somewhere for an hour for coffee & cake. The kids took the dog for a short walk & I had the opportunity to ask why his work had arranged a welfare check by the Police - had he told them he was suicidal? The answer was 'yes' he had. I said I was sorry to hear that, was he seeing GP / meds etc / anything I could do? 'Yes' & 'No'.

I did also say he should reiterate to his work that he doesn't live with us now (he left a year ago). He 'walked out' a few times when the kids were young - he would say he 'wasn't coming back' (in an 'I may be some time' way). It was really upsetting. He's been on antidepressants for some time (I think). I have sympathy but my job is to take care of the kids first, then myself (so I can look after them) then others.

I wish him well but I can't really help him, other than to keep the kids & I on an even keel whilst he hopefully gets better. I take ALL the responsibility for them & he pops in for the nice bits. It's been that way for years. When he's tired he checks out. When I'm tired (2 kids with ASD & I'm a Carer is not easy at times) I don't have that option. Dd's having her b'day tomorrow. I invited him over for a meal & to see her unwrap her gifts. He said 'its ok, he's tired. Also, the Formula 1 is on so he'd planned a quiet day at home anyway'.
I won't be 'stopping him seeing them particularly as he doesn't much anyway, but yes I don't really want them 1:1 with him atm if he feels SO low.

Unless he’s displaying unsafe behaviour, YABVU. If you had depression or another mental health issue would you expect contact with your children to be reduced/amended?

if his MH is making him unsafe to be around your children then that’s a different kettle of fish, but nothing in your post suggests that.

To be fair I think sheltering them from your ex husband at his lowest is the best thing to do at the moment. The adverse childhood experiences they can suffer seeing him at his lowest can stay with them for the rest of their lives.

for context my DSS, 19, his DM has suffered with her MH all her life, crisis point and overdoses… we thought (DH and I) that we had sheltered him from it however recent disclosures impacting on his MH hve made us realise we could have done more.

Autism is a spectrum, at their ages most kids will be regularly left alone so and make their own contact arrangements with their father / do they have capacity to do this? Whether it's reasonable to restrict 1:1 is very much linked to their capacity. I have an autistic daughter and she makes her own arrangements with her father (or refusals!)

But @Nowhereelsetogo90 he's not just "depressed", he's (at points, we don't know how often and how predictable those points are) suicidal.

It doesn't sound like he'll object to you limiting his contact a bit anyway, OP?

I am facilitating contact, just not 1:1
He doesn't always take up the offer / 'manage' very well anyway (he 'walked out' Xmas Day this year - came for dinner as invited then simply left - whether its just depression or something else is debatable really)

No, kids aren't left alone much (dla at high rate for both, 1 child becomes non verbal under stress) & also don't make their own arrangements.