Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To let DS wear nail polish despite his dads views

63 replies

Cffee · 30/07/2022 09:17

9 year old DS has always loved handbags, necklaces accessories that sort of thing and I've always just let him do whatever he wants in that regard because why not.
he wanted his nails painted so I let him and this morning his dad came to pick him up, grabbed his hands pulled a face and went " Eurgh what have you done to your nails?" And was pretty clear in his disapproval. He did this recently too with a bead necklace DS had on and said i was making him "girly" (nothing wrong with being girly at all, but he's not even typically 'girly' or feminine, he just likes what he likes)
ex has turned into a right Jordan Peterson, Andrew Tate worshipping type of person since we broke up and I don't want him being mean to DS
I have always brought him up with the view that things are for everyone and aren't gender specific but I don't want his dad making him feel bad about himself.

OP posts:
clpsmum · 30/07/2022 09:30

Let your DS be happy and express himself. He dad is an ignorant arse

QueenoftheNimbleFlyingCat · 30/07/2022 11:09

Carry on. My ex was like this, I just ignored him and carried on but my DS picked up on it and started refusing because it was girly.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 30/07/2022 11:10

Let him! Total sexist claptrap to say something is girly and therefore it’s beneath boys to adopt that trait

Newuser82 · 30/07/2022 11:12

Both my boys paint their nails on occasion. If I'm honest I know their dad doesn't like it but he knows better than to say anything. It's ridiculous in my opinion.

startfresh · 30/07/2022 11:19

I my opinion, all this "that's for girls" is what causes gender confusion and could push your son into body dysmorphia if he believes what he likes is for girls. (Extreme but it comes from somewhere)

Just let kids enjoy what they want and they'll grow to be well rounded. You're doing a fab job and tell your ex to get a grip.

ManateeFair · 30/07/2022 11:21

Your ex is a misogynist and a homophobe and your son should wear whatever he likes.

BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz · 30/07/2022 11:23

If we let's kids and adults we're what the fuck they like without judgement, there's be a LOT fewer children taking puberty blockers and a LOT fewer adults lobbing off healthy body parts.

rainbowsilk · 30/07/2022 11:26

Let him do what he likes (your son, not your ex), and continue reassuring him. My son liked his nails painted at the same age and was a magpie with jewelry, 2 years in and he's mostly grown out of it.

Marblessolveeverything · 30/07/2022 11:29

No bother with the boy, I would judge his dad a lot!

The only teeny tiny concern would be the chemicals of the varnish remover on such young skin on an ongoing basis, only because my pair have sensitive eczema prone skin so probably best my pair.

It just started a conversation here and my partner started asking about my son's eczema and we ended down a Google worm hole about sticker nail varnish 😂for two kids who have never wanted nail varnish so far.

bubblescoop · 30/07/2022 11:31

YABVU. You are making your son a walking target. You are going to make him a victim.

Regardless of whether it should be that way or not, it is. Regardless of whether it should be your problem or not, it will be your problem when your son is beaten up and bullied throughout his teenage years.

Why would you want to make life harder for him? Why would you want to make him a target?

The risk of mental health conditions like depression and anxiety is so high due to this sort of thing. You really shouldn’t have encouraged this.

goldfinchonthelawn · 30/07/2022 11:35

Of course YANBU. Small boys should wear what they like as long as it suits the westher and activity. Nail varnish won't turn him into a girl. [hmm.] But sneering at him, setting up narrow gender stereotypes, undermining his taste and spouting Jordan Peterson bilge at him won't help him grow up to be a strong, confident man, if that's what your ex is after.

dementedpixie · 30/07/2022 11:35

@bubblescoop what a complete load of bollocks. Are you saying that OP should make her son conform to societies sexual stereotypes and not be comfortable enough to express himself the way he wants?

Your attitude is the one that needs to change not OPs ds's

Simonjt · 30/07/2022 11:36

Does your son actually want to see his dad? Personally as he is choosing to cause harm to his son I would start looking at steps to reduce contact, if he is willing to act like that in front of you, I would have concerns about his language when you aren’t there.

jessieminto · 30/07/2022 11:37

Your DS should be able to wear whatever he likes. But society today is not there yet. I personally would let him, without encouragement either way but just let him choose whatever he wants.

But when it's time to go to his Dads, I'd do a subtle 'getting ready routine' with him to de-feminise himself. Not because he can't, or shouldn't where what he wants. I would be concerned about the MH damage to my son of hearing and seeing his Dads reaction and the rejection he will be experiencing as a result. Don't give your ex the opportunity to make DS feel bad about himself, but still be supportive and allow DS to flourish in your care. Best of luck.

bubblescoop · 30/07/2022 11:41

dementedpixie · 30/07/2022 11:35

@bubblescoop what a complete load of bollocks. Are you saying that OP should make her son conform to societies sexual stereotypes and not be comfortable enough to express himself the way he wants?

Your attitude is the one that needs to change not OPs ds's

You cannot change the world you are in. And we are in a world where, like it or not, boys wearing nail polish, wearing handbags etc ARE going to be bullied. They are going to be targets. And this is going to cause them mental health issues having to deal with the backlash of it.

Parents shouldn’t be encouraging it just because they wish the world was different. It isn’t.

girlfrien · 30/07/2022 11:42

Tell your ex you'll stop contact if he dosent stop making these comments.
It's not in your sons best interests to see a parent who dosent accept the way they are.

senua · 30/07/2022 11:44

It might be an idea to have a conversation with XH about parenting strategies. You can, to a certain extent, boss young children around but preteens/teens don't like it. The more to try to control them, the more they rebel and do that exact thing just to annoy you.
XH needs to realise that DS isn't a little kid any more.

FOJN · 30/07/2022 11:50

Could you talk this dad about how his reaction is likely to be harmful to your son? I think children are much less bothered by gender non conformity than lots of adults so I'm not sure your son will be bullied by his peers for his choices, he's more likely to have someone push him towards an alternative gender identity which he does not need to think about at his age.

I'd reassure your son that his choices reflect his individual personality and that he should feel confident about them; there is no need for him to feel embarrassed or present in a way which makes other people more comfortable.

AliceMcK · 30/07/2022 11:51

bubblescoop · 30/07/2022 11:31

YABVU. You are making your son a walking target. You are going to make him a victim.

Regardless of whether it should be that way or not, it is. Regardless of whether it should be your problem or not, it will be your problem when your son is beaten up and bullied throughout his teenage years.

Why would you want to make life harder for him? Why would you want to make him a target?

The risk of mental health conditions like depression and anxiety is so high due to this sort of thing. You really shouldn’t have encouraged this.

I agree with this, but only in regards to the father. OP you know your ex is a prick and is going to bully your son, why would you deliberately put nail polish and beads on your DS when his dad is picking him up. At 9 he’s old enough to understand that his dad dosnt like nail polish and beads etc… so when he’s there just avoid them. Your son should obviously be allowed to be who he is but having his father disapproval is going to effect him, plus you have no idea how he’s being treated at his dads, what abuse he’s suffering because of how he dresses.

I dont agree that this would necessarily make him a target from his peers, obviously depending on his social circle, I think in general people especially children are becoming more open and less judgmental.

Give him a safe place to be who he wants at home, but don’t make him a target for his father just because you don’t agree with him, the better option would be talking to your son on his dads views.

pastaandpesto · 30/07/2022 11:52

jessieminto · 30/07/2022 11:37

Your DS should be able to wear whatever he likes. But society today is not there yet. I personally would let him, without encouragement either way but just let him choose whatever he wants.

But when it's time to go to his Dads, I'd do a subtle 'getting ready routine' with him to de-feminise himself. Not because he can't, or shouldn't where what he wants. I would be concerned about the MH damage to my son of hearing and seeing his Dads reaction and the rejection he will be experiencing as a result. Don't give your ex the opportunity to make DS feel bad about himself, but still be supportive and allow DS to flourish in your care. Best of luck.

I agree with this.

Clearly his dad is in the wrong here. But it's very, very unlikely you will change his mind, and I would do what I could to limit the ammunition that he has when your son is in his care while he is still so young and will probably struggle to robustly defend himself in the face of his father's hostility.

It's shit, it shouldn't be like that. But your son is going to pick up on his disapproval one way or other other and I think this is probably the least worst option. When he's a bit older, if he still enjoys a feminine style, then he can challenge his dad with your full backing.

TiredestOfAll · 30/07/2022 11:53

bubblescoop · 30/07/2022 11:41

You cannot change the world you are in. And we are in a world where, like it or not, boys wearing nail polish, wearing handbags etc ARE going to be bullied. They are going to be targets. And this is going to cause them mental health issues having to deal with the backlash of it.

Parents shouldn’t be encouraging it just because they wish the world was different. It isn’t.

Show quote history

The world will never change if everyone thought like this, would they? Good god. How sad that you think like this

MarshaBradyo · 30/07/2022 11:54

Simonjt · 30/07/2022 11:36

Does your son actually want to see his dad? Personally as he is choosing to cause harm to his son I would start looking at steps to reduce contact, if he is willing to act like that in front of you, I would have concerns about his language when you aren’t there.

I’d be sure the negative talk doesn’t continue too

It would be very damaging to his self worth

pastaandpesto · 30/07/2022 11:59

BTW I don't agree at all with the PP that you are somehow allowing him to be vulnerable to bullies. He's old enough to make a choice on this, and if he did get teased by some shitty kids but decided to carry on regardless then good for him. It's a totally different situation to him being mocked by his father - one of the two people in the world who are supposed to live him unconditionally.

Thelnebriati · 30/07/2022 12:01

Your DS should be able to wear what he likes, shaming children is not OK, and having parents at loggerheads on something so fundamental isn't good for them either. His Dad should be his primary role model; and if he is really into Jordan Peterson he would know better than to use shame.

Is it at all possible for you and your ex to come to an agreement on this? Maybe with family therapy?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 30/07/2022 12:06

bubblescoop · 30/07/2022 11:31

YABVU. You are making your son a walking target. You are going to make him a victim.

Regardless of whether it should be that way or not, it is. Regardless of whether it should be your problem or not, it will be your problem when your son is beaten up and bullied throughout his teenage years.

Why would you want to make life harder for him? Why would you want to make him a target?

The risk of mental health conditions like depression and anxiety is so high due to this sort of thing. You really shouldn’t have encouraged this.

So I presume you tell your kids they can only be what their violent peers consider to be cool?

Also, have you actually met any young people lately?! It’s not like when we were kids and different people get beaten up. These days if you’re not diverse and different you’re not cool - dynamics have flipped in schools like you wouldn’t believe! I’ve done work in schools recently and the most popular and respected kids were boys who’d wear make up