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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH constantly visiting family in a different city, over spending quality time with me and his DS.

32 replies

flamingosandrainbows · 29/07/2022 21:13

Me and my DH live in my home city, so granted we are surrounded by my family. We regularly go to his home city for the weekend to see his family and they regularly come to stay with us (sometimes up to 4 adults and 3 children in our 2 bedroom house!) and I never complain. However, due to my DH working every other Saturday I do feel as though every weekend he is off work, we are spending it either travelling 2 hours north to spend time with his family or his family are here with us to stay- leaving no time for just US and our baby. For the past two
weekends he has gone, without us as there has been various events to do with friends on. This weekend he wanted us to go with him, but i didn’t want to as I have plans here in our home city! It will work out that he has actually spent every single weekend for the past month with his family but barley spent any time at the weekend with his own baby. He could even come back saturday night but is choosing to come back sunday instead as ‘ it will be a lot of driving in one day’ . I can’t help but feel like this relationship isn’t going to last, simply as he has stated multiple times he wants to move back there, and that is something that I just won’t be doing, and have never said I would do since before we even got together. AIBU to be annoyed at him constantly travelling back to see his family every week when he has his own family now? I have told him I am sad he does not seem bothered about spending time with his own son and all he says is ‘ I see him every day’. ( literally an hour before he goes to bed!)

OP posts:

BruceAndNosh · 29/07/2022 21:19

he has stated multiple times he wants to move back there

He already HAS moved back there, he just hasn't told you yet..

CSIblonde · 29/07/2022 21:42

Has he got another woman back there was my first thought.

Original poster

flamingosandrainbows · 29/07/2022 21:55

To be honest we go with him a lot and he constantly wants us to (go he wanted me to this weekend).. I just don’t want to. So doubt there is someone else as he is always with us when we are there. But it’s just intense with his family as we stay at their house so we don’t have our own space and it was only the other weekend they came to stay so I don’t feel like I particularly need to go and spend time with them this weekend.

OP posts:

noirthoughts · 29/07/2022 22:11

I'll be honest, this is what puts me off moving back up north because I know his family will come on every single school holiday for weeks on end (no boundaries like that in their eyes) and will want to visit all the time.

Where as close we see them on our terms lol.

I watched it happen with his sister moving away and she lives in my home city so gives them even more ammunition to travel.

I feel for you, I really do.

Sit down with him and have a proper heart to heart

MichelleScarn · 29/07/2022 22:15

How much time is spent with your family?

StoneofDestiny · 29/07/2022 22:20

Odd you are both so dependent on your families company - seems to be at the expense of developing your own relationship and your own family.

Original poster

flamingosandrainbows · 29/07/2022 22:23

I see my Mum a bit more frequently than usual as I am on maternity leave and she is off work due to having cancer. But as a family we get together most Sunday’s (which he isn’t always there for). To be fair he has seen his own family more than mine recently, and my family live in the same city!

OP posts:

Original poster

flamingosandrainbows · 29/07/2022 22:26

This is my exact issue, I am not dependent on spending time with my family. I would love more time with just the three of us .. DH, me and baby ( and i have voiced this more than once)

OP posts:

Runwalkskijump · 29/07/2022 22:29

flamingosandrainbows · 29/07/2022 22:23

Prehaps he doesn't want to see your family every weekend so is seeing his own when he can.

Why would he want to see your family that often?

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 29/07/2022 22:34

Maybe he thinks it's only fair when you see your family as often as you do.

Not saying that's right, but I can kind of see his point. He'll say you get to see your family every Sunday and your mum even more frequently so why shouldn't he get the equivalent with his folks?

If family time as a trip is so important to you, why not offer to give up one of the days you see your family instead?

MichelleScarn · 29/07/2022 22:36

So you want him to stop seeing his family so he can see yours? That's absolutely unfair!

Meraas · 29/07/2022 22:47

Sounds like he has checked out.

It also sounds like he does hardly any parenting? Does he do housework, cooking etc?

Original poster

flamingosandrainbows · 29/07/2022 22:51

Forgot to add .. i’ll see my family most Sunday's IF we are actually in our home city. As most of the time, we aren’t. Hence why i’ve decided to not go this weekend as i’m never in my own house without a load of visitors here or i’m in another city with his family. I’d like to clear up that my issue isn’t with him seeing his family, it’s with him not spending much time with his son.

OP posts:

Justcallmebebes · 29/07/2022 22:59

Am I missing something? Why is the OP being attacked? As I understand it, you have a baby and he's buggering off to his folks every weekend. No, that's not on regardless

Justcallmebebes · 29/07/2022 23:01

I'm really sorry about your mum too x

Tiani4 · 30/07/2022 07:47

Justcallmebebes · 29/07/2022 22:59

Am I missing something? Why is the OP being attacked? As I understand it, you have a baby and he's buggering off to his folks every weekend. No, that's not on regardless

This ^^

You have a baby DS and are pregnant and he's buggering odd over night to stay with his parents most weekends if they aren't staying at yours??!

Firstly no more weekend guests staying.. you must be exhausted. Your little family deserve proper mummy and daddy and baby time ... they stay elsewhere as you no longer have the room and it's not fair on DS.

Secondly is DH 18? That he needs his mummy more than his wife? And he needs to see his y and daddy more than his son ? He is a lazy parent- a feckless Dad to do this. Your DS deserves not to be dragged around like a spare part in the DH show

Ofc you'll want to see your mum you're on Mat leave but also she has cancer . You're barely hole anyway. Jeez some PPs just don't read and understand

DH needs a good talking to. And your in laws

TeenDivided · 30/07/2022 07:52

To me the obvious compromise would be something like 1 weekend in 4 with his family, 1 weekend in 4 with yours, and 2/4 doing things with your own little family, forging your own links separate from families.

sunsetsandsandybeaches · 30/07/2022 07:59

If you want him to stop seeing his family all the time in order to spend time with you, I think it's only fair that you make a similar sacrifice.

You live near your family and you're on maternity leave so see your mum regularly by your own admission. He works all week as well as alternate Saturdays, so he has less time to split between everyone.

I would suggest cutting down the visits on both sides - so, he doesn't invite his family as often, but equally, you don't go for Sunday roasts as often either. If you want time as a three then both parents need to sacrifice things to make that happen - it shouldn't all be on him to give up his family time.

knittingaddict · 30/07/2022 08:39

MichelleScarn · 29/07/2022 22:36

So you want him to stop seeing his family so he can see yours? That's absolutely unfair!

No, she wants them, her nuclear family, to spend more time together. Rightly so.

5foot5 · 30/07/2022 08:56

I’d like to clear up that my issue isn’t with him seeing his family, it’s with him not spending much time with his son.

Could he take DS with him when he goes then he gets to spend time with his family and his son and PILs get to see their grandson. Also you get a day to yourself. Win win win.

However you do have other fundamental issues to address don't you.

I can’t help but feel like this relationship isn’t going to last, simply as he has stated multiple times he wants to move back there, and that is something that I just won’t be doing, and have never said I would do since before we even got together.

Has he always indicated he would want to move back one day? Did you discuss this before you got together and started a family?

MrsMoastyToasty · 30/07/2022 08:59

Do his family travel to visit you?

Simonjt · 30/07/2022 09:00

I’m sorry your mum is unwell.

But it looks like you don’t spend time as a three because you (as in plural) are either with your family, or his family, but you only want time with his family to reduce. When he is in your city for the weekend you could skip seeing your family on the Sunday as well as him skipping some visits to his family. You can’t ask only one person to change routine etc.

How much did you discuss living arrangements when you chose to live in your city?

shiningstar2 · 30/07/2022 09:02

You obviously both value time with your own families but I think the current situation isn't sustainable long term. I think you need a calm discussion which accepts your different needs in this area but aims to make your own nuclear family's time together your main priority.
Could you agree to two weekends a month where you go out/stay in/do whatever as a family with no extended family in the loop? Then you could both agree about how the other weekends pan out with yours and his families.
This could be one weekend where he works the Saturday and one when he doesn't.. You could both go your separate ways to your own families on one weekend, leaving one weekend free to make last minute decisions about staying home/ going together to one or the others family ect.

Thi is only one way of working it out but I do think you need some kind off agreement going forward. When agreed get it written up on a wall calendar straight away then there's no arguments later about what was agreed 💐

Sumtimesiamgreen · 30/07/2022 09:03

I read this and can relate, 24 years later it’s still occurring. The in-laws did and still do see nowt wrong with keeping their own nuclear family going dispite all siblings married with own children. I look forward to time without him now. I used to arrange days out to fill the weekend so he already had plans when the asked. I’ve a feeling this won’t change, sorry to say it but it is not just him. It’s his family as well that you are up against. They will invite him and pressure occurs. Especially since he has this attitude of “seeing him every day “ about your ds.
Yes he sees him but he doesn’t spend time with him. I’m weak and put up with it. You don’t have to. Sit down and talk to him. And for the love of God stop having them stay in your house!!! Once they have to pay a fortune for accommodation they might not come so often.

SaintHelena · 30/07/2022 09:06

What are your ages. Sounds like he is 23 and still wanting to go out with the lads his friends and family. Does he/ you have lots of siblings.
Do other family members have children?
Is his DP's house full of toys fast cars, boats, motorbikes etc

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