Batshit to brilliant- how would you rate this parenting technique?

[Thistledew]

DS is just 6. He is suspected of having some ADHD traits. He is a smart kid but has some behavioural issues that we are working on. One example of big flashpoint is getting him to put down his tablet and come and eat dinner when we ask him to. If he is tired, or otherwise overloaded, a request to come and eat can be met with rudeness, refusal to do as asked and tears. We are trying to deal with this by letting him know that the transition is coming up, and consistency of expectations and consequences.

An idea has been mooted that a trusted person (grandparent, who visits weekly) should share a code word with DS and will use this code word when DS is getting overwrought, and it will signal to DS that he needs to calm down and do as he is told straight away. This is to be a secret between DS and the grandparent and not shared with DH and me.

So,

IABU - batshit
IANBU - brilliant

What do you think?

I don't see what would make it either batshit or brilliant?

This sounds absolutely nuts. Weird and totally unnecessary.
Have you ever used egg timers, or visual aids, as they have really helped my youngest DC (suspected ADHD)?

If you think it’ll work then lovely, go for it.

Does your DS have a very close relationship with his grandparent?

It's a good technique used by CAMHS but I'm a bit baffled -

Why aren't the parents getting to use this technique when they deal with this daily?

Why is it only the weekly grandparent who can help him this way?

Why does it have to be a secret? Private between the parents and child yes but why secret??

I haven’t voted because I don’t think it’s either. It’s unlikely to work because if your DS doesn’t want to listen to ordinary words he’s unlikely to want to listen to code words either.

I would finish up tablet time a good while before dinner instead.

The problem with that idea is that if you use a ‘code word’ when he’s gone off the deep end he won’t simply be able to calm down as he’ll be dysregulated and therefore won’t be able to think straight. Also if the grandparent visits weekly I don’t understand how that would help you day to day?

Have you looked into the window of tolerance? That might help to understand what would help him when he’s really distressed.

How will it work?

Presumably, if he could immediately calm down and behave himself when asked to, he would do? Isn't the point that he's struggling to do that?

Im reminded of that saying about "never in the history of being told to calm down..." or what ever it is.

Code words only really work if the child has them as a "get out " card. So their word, and at a party or something they can say when they are getting worked up and need to escape or help calming down.

Being told they have to do as they are told isn't going to help.

At a time when everyone is calm away from the situation you can say to him "this is becoming a problem - we really like to eat together what do you suggest?" Also awareness that transitions are SO hard is key as you've said. There's a great visual with a person and lots of wires coming from their head and having to go and unplug each one before they can transition.

working out a way to manage transitions together will be key. Whether 10 min/5 min warning works. Or asking them how much longer they need to finish their episode/level and asking them to stop at a natural point or siting with them while they transition - all can work but for different people. It helps to have their buy in though. They can then understand the "why" a bit better than "because I said so". Which does not work with NDDkids.

Probably easier not to give him the tablet in the first place. He’s only 6 and screens cause endless behavioural problems because they are highly addictive.

Why the grandparent?

Personally I never encouraged ‘secrets’, I wouldn’t have wanted my child to think secrets with any adult were ok.

I don't get why the grandparent gets the word, and not the everyday parent.

We use "DS, Chill" (delivered kind of like a command, or like a stern "sit" to a dog) and actually it works pretty well. It's a positive word, and it's not embarrassing to him if heard in public. I think we've done this from primary age, he's now mid teens.

A bit useless when the grandparent visits only weekly, surely? And relies on your DS being able to immediately choose to calm down, which it does not sound like he can do.
Id say useless and a bit patronising towards you as parents rather than batshit. I'd guess it's a grandparent or other family member who suggested it.

I’d do a Kirstie & smash the tablet to smithereens.

I think it might work a few times but at some point the novelty will wear off.

Can you set parental controls on the tablet? We limit Dd1's time to 30min so after that it will not work anymore.

I'd be not giving him the tablet in the run up to dinner tbh.

Say lunch is at 12 and dinner is at 5pm. Tablet time would be 2-3pm.

If he can't manage to stop playing on a tablet after appropriate time warnings then I wouldn't let him on it at all.

it will signal to DS that he needs to calm down and do as he is told straight away.

So he knows how to behave himself but chooses not to?

I don’t understand this. How will it help unless the gp is there all the time?

I admit that I think it is on the batshit end of the scale-

1. my view is that any “let’s keep this a secret from mummy and daddy” has to be done with extreme caution, if at all. DS is not developmental able to distinguish between situations where this is harmless and when it could be the start of a grooming situation. There is no need for secrecy here.
2. The point is that DS isn’t able to simply snap out of it when he gets overwrought. He describes it himself as “I get knots in my brain and I can’t get them away”. I think the added pressure of a code word that means he is to immediately calm down is likely to be counterproductive.
3. It isn’t as if he doesn’t understand or notice the expectation of being asked to do X or Y. He knows what he should be doing so a code word isn’t going to add any new information.
4. Creating a hierarchy of times when he is expected to ‘do it now’ because a code word is used, and times when it is not used, is just likely to backfire. He is more likely to wait for the code word than to comply earlier.

Those as my feelings, but I am interested to hear if there are any other takes on it and if it could in some way be helpful.

I'd advise using family link or similar, where the computer turns itself off at the given time rather than you.

Yes, that is the issue with children with some forms of developmental disorders. They lack, or struggle with self regulation. It’s a bit like when you know you should stop browsing on Mumsnet and go and hoover the living room, but you can’t stop scrolling, but on a grander scale. It’s that feeling of guilt and crossness you feel if someone says “are you still posting on that thing”, but magnified.

ah yes I'd agree with all your thoughts OP!

1. Why on earth would that work? Utterly batshit. Not child with autism in a meltdown ever went, “oh yeah - granny said oranges so I’d better totally sort my shit out - done.”
2. It is always wrong to teach a child they should have secrets with other people but not their parent

That is not always the best idea with children who struggle with transitions. Family link would just turn the device off instantly without warning - perfect way to trigger a meltdown!