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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Batshit to brilliant- how would you rate this parenting technique?

80 replies

Thistledew · 29/07/2022 19:55

DS is just 6. He is suspected of having some ADHD traits. He is a smart kid but has some behavioural issues that we are working on. One example of big flashpoint is getting him to put down his tablet and come and eat dinner when we ask him to. If he is tired, or otherwise overloaded, a request to come and eat can be met with rudeness, refusal to do as asked and tears. We are trying to deal with this by letting him know that the transition is coming up, and consistency of expectations and consequences.

An idea has been mooted that a trusted person (grandparent, who visits weekly) should share a code word with DS and will use this code word when DS is getting overwrought, and it will signal to DS that he needs to calm down and do as he is told straight away. This is to be a secret between DS and the grandparent and not shared with DH and me.

So,

IABU - batshit
IANBU - brilliant

What do you think?

OP posts:
SunflowerGardens · 29/07/2022 20:33

As others have said 1. Sounds like he's past the stage where he can calm himself down and 2. Don't encourage keeping secrets from parents.

Can you move dinner time to earlier in the day when he's less tired?

wherearebeefandonioncrisps · 29/07/2022 20:35

Honestly, and I'm happy to be flamed, but give a 5 minute warning, then a two minute then a one minute warning.

If your child ignores then remove the tablet.
End of.

Endless ' feelings' discussions will not work.
If they tantrum... leave them be.

NrlySp · 29/07/2022 20:38

No more tablet - or only allowed on a certain day for a certain time eg Saturday between 10:30-11:30
I second a count down for transitions.
You are the parent not his Grandparents. They and the Codeword undermines your parental authority

LynetteScavo · 29/07/2022 20:40

• Why on earth would that work? Utterly batshit. Not child with autism in a meltdown ever went, “oh yeah - granny said oranges so I’d better totally sort my shit out - done.”
• It is always wrong to teach a child they should have secrets with other people but not their parent

Totally this.

Personally I'd give a count down of10 mins, 5 mins, etc. - having pre-warned they are having the tablet for 45 minutes or what ever. If they can't cope with that then, aged 6, there is non need for them to have a tablet.

But give it a go, and report back how it went.

bluegardenflowers · 29/07/2022 20:42

I don't think it will work, if a child is overwrought, no amount of code words would work. i dont think its harmful though, so maybe try it and see. i was desperate for things to work, but DS didnt get overwrought, just bloody minded all the time.

YouCantSpellAmericaWithoutErica · 29/07/2022 20:44

I would be very pissed off if anyone told my children that they must keep a secret from me. My youngest who has ASD and ADHD can’t keep a secret anyway. Also, this frankly fucking stupid idea implies that your child has full control over his behaviour when given his difficulties he clearly doesn’t. Sounds like the grandparent(s) want to feel more important and valued.

In my experience, a count down works best. “5/2/1 minute til dinner is ready”.

ZooMount · 29/07/2022 20:44

Get rid of the tablet. Problem solved.

Onlyforcake · 29/07/2022 20:47

It's not good to encourage secrets to be kept between adults and children. 6 is too young for a tablet as shown by his behaviour.
If he needed to have a word as a signal to calm down that was going to work then surely that would have been 'calm down' or remember count to ten slowly and let out a big breath sort of calming technique.

Surely he needs to join a group focusing on calming techniques? My 6 uear old (Poss ASD) goes to a group with other children (not all non NT) from his school class, once a week they do a bit of child yoga a bit of really active blowing off steam and start to work on relaxing, calming and the idea of meditation.

If he is going to have a point at which he reacts and then that word becomes meaningless then it's just going to turn into an arms race.

JanglyBeads · 29/07/2022 20:48

I agree with all your reservations OP. In a way, they no secrets from mummy/daddy is the biggest no-no

Original poster
Thistledew · 29/07/2022 20:52

I take the point about limits on tablet time. We don’t have a TV, so screen time is only on the tablet. It means that both DS and his sister leave me in peace to cook dinner, so I’m loath to give it up. Most of the time DS does well with a warning or two of transition time. Unfortunately, the excitement of having said grandparent visit seems to be causing an overload at the moment.

OP posts:
DeadbeatYoda · 29/07/2022 20:57

Sounds well-meant but has the potential to become problematic. Far better to look up and use the 'incredible 5 point scale'. And for all the adults around him To be sure they understand it. Then the child can easily express stages of anxiety / overwhelming to any of the adults around.

FatPatsCat · 29/07/2022 21:01

A tablet isn't essential for anybody, never mind a 6 year old, just don't use it?

sdfsdipf9ue · 29/07/2022 21:04

Thistledew · 29/07/2022 20:17

I admit that I think it is on the batshit end of the scale-

  1. my view is that any “let’s keep this a secret from mummy and daddy” has to be done with extreme caution, if at all. DS is not developmental able to distinguish between situations where this is harmless and when it could be the start of a grooming situation. There is no need for secrecy here.
  2. The point is that DS isn’t able to simply snap out of it when he gets overwrought. He describes it himself as “I get knots in my brain and I can’t get them away”. I think the added pressure of a code word that means he is to immediately calm down is likely to be counterproductive.
  3. It isn’t as if he doesn’t understand or notice the expectation of being asked to do X or Y. He knows what he should be doing so a code word isn’t going to add any new information.
  4. Creating a hierarchy of times when he is expected to ‘do it now’ because a code word is used, and times when it is not used, is just likely to backfire. He is more likely to wait for the code word than to comply earlier.
Those as my feelings, but I am interested to hear if there are any other takes on it and if it could in some way be helpful.

You are absolutely right with all of these (many years of parenting a child with ASD tells me this).

bluesky45 · 29/07/2022 21:33

We don't have a tablet but the Ds often watch TV while we prepare meals. We always make sure to turn off the TV after an episode is finished and give a warning (ok ds, last episode!) And when they play games on tablets at grandparents we give a few more turns/levels each (ok ds, nearly time to turn it off... ok, 2 more levels each then turning off... Ok, 1 more level each then turning off... Ok time to turn off)
So they get plenty of warning and know what's coming.

Annettebee · 29/07/2022 21:36

I have ADHD, our emotions can be overwhelming.
We become hyperfocused on things we like as it gives us a dopamine lift.
Exercise should help as well as mindfulness, but m

Annettebee · 29/07/2022 21:38

Sorry posted too soon.

Just be supportive, he shouldn't be punished for something he can't help.

Greensleeves · 29/07/2022 21:46

If the child is ND, then getting rid of the tablet isn't "problem solved" as so many posters seem to be saying. It may kick the problem down the road a bit, but OP is still going to have a ND child who struggles with transitions and needs strategies to cope.

I don't like the code word with a grandparent personally, I dislike the secrecy, it gives a bizarre level of responsibility to someone who isn't the parent and it's unlikely to stave off most meltdowns anyway.

My ND child struggled with transitions horrendously (still does, at uni nowGrin) and what worked for us was a combination of social stories, visual timetables and consistently giving 10, 5, 2 and 1 minute warnings.

InattentiveADHD · 29/07/2022 21:46

I have ADHD as does my DS. Time warnings work really well (usually) as you have found. But as an extra tip...people with ADHD don't have an internal clock (or not a very good one) So they are very poor at telling how quickly time is passing. So a visual aid giving a count down (like an egg timer combined with a warning or two, or lots of short verbal reminders (eg 5 mins, 4 mins....30 secs) can be a really good idea.

My DH still helps me with this, not to get me off MN (lol!) but for when we have to be out somewhere by a specific time. It's incredibly useful and effective.

InattentiveADHD · 29/07/2022 21:47

And the secret code word thing just sounds weird. Don't get how that would work at all.

Flopisfatteningbingforchristmas · 29/07/2022 21:53

What is he doing on the tablet? DD1 is the same age and can be tricky about stopping watching TV before dinner. I always give her a 5 min warning and had 7 or 8 mins left of a programme then I will let her watch to the end. I set a reminder on Alexa for when the time is up and for some reason she is more likely to follow Alexa. We also have a rule that if she tantrums when the TV goes off there is no screen time the following day, although I appreciate that may not be appropriate in your situation.

Greatfyl · 29/07/2022 21:55

Could be worth a try but the cynical side of me thinks it might be a bit like this:
m.youtube.com/shorts/nIgi7-VVEkU

knittingaddict · 29/07/2022 21:59

I'm a grandparent. I would feel very uncomfortable about having a special codeword that only I and a grandchild would know. It seems to me that it would undermine their primary relationship with their parent and we are very involved with our grandchildren.

CbaThinkingOfAUsername · 29/07/2022 22:13

Trying it out won't cause any harm surely. And if it works, great, if not, just don't use it as a technique again.

Thelnebriati · 29/07/2022 22:26

Whoever suggested keeping a secret from you wants to give their head a wobble. I'm being polite.

00100001 · 29/07/2022 23:01

Greensleeves · 29/07/2022 21:46

If the child is ND, then getting rid of the tablet isn't "problem solved" as so many posters seem to be saying. It may kick the problem down the road a bit, but OP is still going to have a ND child who struggles with transitions and needs strategies to cope.

I don't like the code word with a grandparent personally, I dislike the secrecy, it gives a bizarre level of responsibility to someone who isn't the parent and it's unlikely to stave off most meltdowns anyway.

My ND child struggled with transitions horrendously (still does, at uni nowGrin) and what worked for us was a combination of social stories, visual timetables and consistently giving 10, 5, 2 and 1 minute warnings.

People are just pointing out that a 6yo just can't "cope" with such addictive devices. The lad shouldn't be given a highly addictive device just before a meal where he might struggle to stop to eat. Take the addictive and consuming activity away just before meals, and it will make it a hell of a lot easier to transition the child. This would apply in a ND child or NT child.

Eg. if the chiodnwas doing a less addictive and rage inducing activity and was given easy to mark endings eg Read to the end of the chapter/add 5 more Lego pieces/do 3 more puzzle pieces/5 more bounces on the trampoline/colour in one last flower etc are much easier to comprehend and stop doing said activity.