MIL asking everything of me.

[bellamqrie]

i've just had a baby, so obviously have a lot less time on my hands as i have had in the past. yet MIL can't seem to acknowledge this and i'm starting to get annoyed. am i being an a**hole for thinking i need to put a stop to this?

she constantly expects me to call/attend/book her GP appointments with her, due to her bad english (she's been here for over 25 years, hasn't learnt it in all honesty because she's not interested). she will expect me to book her appointments, ring them for test results and also attend the appointments with her (even if that means i have to get a family member of mine to cancel their plans/work because i don't want to take a baby to a medical facility unnecessarily- i've mentioned that people attend GPs when they're unwell, and i would rather not take DS unless necessary.

her GP runs from 8am to 8pm most days of the week, and her husband works from 8-5 and my DH works from 9-5 so either of them could logically attend with her, but she asks me to go with her, to not disturb them. occasionally it would not bother me to attend with her, but when she constantly asks for me it gets too much.

her husband speaks & writes perfect english, yet she will never ask for him to do any of this for her. she will ask me, even if that means ringing me at 10pm to type a message out in english for her to send to someone as she can't write in english- whilst her husband is right next to her, who again SPEAKS AND WRITES perfect english.

i'm exhausted having a baby, i love being a mum, but any mum can recognise a baby & housework is exhausting, but i get so much more piled on me. today i had a really busy day, and i wasn't able to answer the phone when she rang me, so she proceeded to call me six times within the space of an hour to tell me she wasn't feeling well and i should call her GP about it.

she will invite herself over a lot of the times and it's not that they bother me, it's the fact that she doesn't ask "would you mind if we come over for..." as they never stay long, it's more that she doesn't think of others, and just focuses on her wants and needs.

we get along really well, and honestly i'm happy to help whenever i can, but i feel like she's taking a little bit of advantage. calling me at random times to order her food/book her an uber (whilst her DD is home and could do it..) i don't mean to seem ungrateful she offers to help with DS all the time and she's great, but sometimes she comes across as very self-centred and focused on her. she bangs on about how unwell she is, but will be all over social media and constantly on her phone rather than resting, then calls me to say she's feeling really ill.

i'm honestly just complaining now, and ive had a long day, slept horribly and i've just had it today, how would you suggest i address this with her without causing any issues? and am i being an a**hole for complaining at helping?

Step.Back.

I have been you!

Stop answering the calls. Forward every request to your DH, as long as you keep answering and doing things, she'll put more and more on you.

I felt SO much better when I stepped back from my overbearing MIL. You deserve your time back!

By the way, she's asking you because you're a woman. She doesn't want to put upon the poor men in her life.

On the plus side, she dies alot of childcare which would cost a fortune to pay for.

Can't please everyone all the time. Everybody can't get it just right for everyone.
I would not say anything.

It's a really tough one but you definitely should not be doing it all when her son and husband can help. Have you spoken to DH about it?

I don’t think she’s doing childcare for the OP?

you really need to stop being so available and set boundaries. It will only get worse.

You probably can't make it stop without causing issues.

You may have to choose whether to continue being her maid and avoid her tantrums or start saying no and deal with her attitude and potentially your husband and father in law too.

She sounds very demanding and a complainer but you are willingly running around for her and listening to her moaning, unlike the other people around her. She's taking but you are responsible for overgiving.

You have to set some boundaries, don't answer the phone if she calls at inconsiderate/inconvenient times, be busy when she makes requests, don't answerthe door if they just turn up.

You will probably feel very uncomfortable the first few times but sit with the feelings. It will get better. If she confronts you it's perfectly reasonable to tell her you are busy with your baby and don't have the time to look out for her, direct her to her husband/son to help.

Some people take kindness for weakness and take advantage. It's not selfish to put yourself and your baby's needs first. It's self care.

Oh gosh sounds like stereotypical mil from my culture. They would never disturb the menfolk even during a nap as they are far too important. Daughter in law is at the bottom of the hierarchy so is expected to do the dog work. Sorry OP i know she’s nice etc but if you don’t see this behaviour for what it is you will carry on giving in and her behaviour will never change. Nip in the bud now, use your baby as an excuse but tbh this shouldn’t be happening on a normal day where she chooses you every time.

Tbh it’s probably easier to tell your Dh to step up for his mother. Have you spoken to him?

Just say no and don’t enable this behaviour. Or ignore her. Or speak to your husband given it’s his mother. Not your circus, not your monkeys.

It’s not a MIL problem it’s a DH problem.

What does your DH do to help, ask him to take over booking appointments following up blood tests etc

At 10pm and she’s asking you to write out a message that request goes straight to DH.

OP doesn't mention her doing childcare, so I assume that she isn't.

OP, you need to step back here. Direct her to her husband and to your DH. This woman isn't even a blood relative of yours (not that it would make this behaviour OK even if she was) and is totally taking the piss. Stop allowing her to do it.

Say no. Nip it in the bud.

Put your phone on vibrate/silent. Stop answering.

V annoying. Id put your phone on silent a lot.

Don't qnnounce manifesto style, "look, I can't help you as much as I used to" but sleep through her calls, forget to ring back. Leave it longer replying. Or! Deliberately misunderstand. "So glad you got that sorted"

Step back. Why isn’t she asking her dd who is at home with her? Stop being a people pleaser, you have unfortunately done this to yourself, which is. It to say it’s right, but you need to put in boundaries now you have a baby.

Learn to say "No" in her language!

If you keep keep doing these things, she is going to keep asking. So just say no, you can't today.

update: we ordered food and there was a knock on the door, i assumed it was the food, but no, they came over without my knowledge??

and let me clarify, MIL does no childcare, no one does any childcare for me. i'm a full time SAHM, which many on MN dislike, but i'm a full time SAHM, so responsible for all childcare.

Sorry we are waiting for food. So we'll need to eat when it gets here. Do not let your food go cold or get it given up to others. Let DH deal with them, do nothing for them.

Don't answer phone at 10pm. Go to bed and leave phone downstairs

Let dh deal with her.

Cheek of them to come over uninvited

Put her on silent then just become super unreliable if you cannot face dealing with setting reasonable boundaries. Fuck up the appointments (tell her it's an earlier time so she has to wait around 90 mins, don't do a no show). Miscommunication on any translation messages. Pretend you misunderstood the task. Just don't get back to her with updates. A family member had great success with an overbearing neighbour with this tactic.

Normally I'd say you need to reset expectations but if you have just had a baby then I doubt you have energy to reset the relationship.

Your DH needs to sort this really. It's not your battle to fight and if he's not singing the same song as you on this, you have a much bigger problem.

P.s. unplug landline "by accident" if needed. Tell DH ahead of time if he may need you. Don't remember to charge your phone some days when it suits YOU.

This used to be me. Take a big step back. Draw up some boundaries e.g. don't answer your phone between 10pm and 10am. If you don't feel great one day just say I'm not well, I'll help you on x day.