Would your DP expect you to stay awake if he couldn’t sleep?

[Ace56]

Visited a friend recently and it came up in conversation how tired she was, after quite a few nights with broken sleep recently. We’re both in our 30s, no kids btw.

I asked why and she said her DP is suffering from tinnitus at the moment which means he’s finding it hard to sleep. This is a recurring problem which he’s seeing the doctor for, but is going through a particularly rough patch at the moment. She says that obviously when he wakes up in the night, she wakes up too, and that he then spends a couple of hours moaning about it, moving his pillow around, pacing around the house, generally in discomfort which is understandable.

I expressed my sympathies but was thinking why on earth is she letting him keep her awake for hours every night? If it were my DP, I might have consoled him on the first night, maybe second, but after that pretty much told him I need to sleep now or probably slept in the spare room! They do have a spare room as well. Am I being selfish or is this an unacceptable reason to be kept awake for days on end?

That’s ridiculous
your friend doesn’t have to miss her sleep in solidarity

No, mine wouldn't because he has respect for me and cares deeply for my health and wellbeing.
He would go into the spare room to ensure I had my sleep.

But it doesn't sound like like he expects it, just that she chooses to do it.

I'd want to stay up to help my partner. If I ever find out he has a bad night the night before I always remind him that he can wake me for sympathy and company. He does the same for me.

No because he isn't a twat. Or a five year old.

That's strange!

DH would feel awful if he woke me, let alone keep me awake! I've been poorly this week so I've slept in the spare room, so he isn't disturbed by me coughing/getting up/tossing and turning.

Her partner sounds like a toddler.

Is he expecting her to stay awake or is she choosing to be awake with him?

If he’s waking her and keeping her awake then he’s a dick.

If she’s choosing to do so and it’s unnecessary then she needs to stop being a martyr.

My DH takes himself off downstairs if he can't sleep, as do I. What's the point of both feeling rubbish the next day?

No, which is a good thing, as DH has terrible insomnia. In fact on the nights when I can't sleep either he's very sympathetic because he knows how awful it is.

I am a longterm insomnia sufferer and I try my best to let my partner sleep when we are together but it's not always that easy as part of insomnia for me is constantly trying to "fix" what is off (e.g. uncomfortable pillow, needing the loo etc) so I can be a nightmare for him by accidentally waking him up (worse when we stay at his as I cant decamp to a spare room or sofa (tiny sofa)). But I would never intentionally keep my partner awake

Obviously if he was so ill he needed care I'd stay up, but in other circumstances when either DH or I can't sleep for whatever reason we'll decamp to the couch in order to not wake the other.

That's ridiculous, no point in having two sleep deprived people in the house but if she's choosing to that's different and her decision

What your friend needs is a doghouse.

Her husband is a twat.

I do not sleep a lot, maybe 4/5 hours a night. My other half needs more than that and I would never wake him or try keep him awake because of my poor sleeping. That is very selfish.

My DH is a very light sleeper and will often wake if I get out of bed etc. I on the other hand don't wake as easily, but if I do wake can be up for hours. Without knowing why she is waking and staying awake, we can't judge.

I am a terrible sleeper but do my best not to disturb DP. I quietly go downstairs.

No, if either of us is I’ll we very quietly remove ourselves to another bedroom, so as not to diatribe the other one.

Mind you dh did take that too far one night when he was having chest pains and didn’t wake me, we ended up in A&E when I woke up, with a suspected heart attack, he’s promised to wake me in future if he’s feeling very ill.

What a horrible person!

We often chat a bit in the night of one or other of us wakes up, but not for a recurrent problem like tinnitus I don't know that I would wake them. But I do know it can be pretty upsetting, people say it drives them mad, so I can understand the desire to talk instead.

Same. I sneak out to the sofa to sit and have a vape and "reset"
He knows I have insomnia so if he wakes up and i am not there he will either go back to sleep or sometimes come and join me and make me a hot drink he's a sweetie

Bloody hell of course not. If either of us were not sleeping or ill we try our best not to disturb each other.

Unless one of us feels so ill that we are worried, or one needs help, the non sleeping or ill one will decamp to the spare bedroom to allow the other to sleep. It’s no help if both of us are sleep deprived when there’s an alternative.

No. He’s selfish.

I think from the way she was saying it that he is just in so much discomfort that he almost wants her there as a distraction? Someone to talk to to get his mind off it. So I’m not sure if she really wants to be awake with him or just hasn’t told him to F off.

She's doing this voluntarily or he's a selfish idiot.
I've woken up with back pain a lot recently and if I can't sleep, I find another bed and sleep there without waking DH up. He does the same if he can't sleep for whatever reason.

That would be considered quite nasty in our house. The unspoken agreement is that you let the other person rest unless they can actively help you.

Wierdly I can find it frustrating. For example DP gets up very early ((bless him very quietly he's like a ghost) but will want to do something together but won't wake me (even at a reasonable time). Unless he has told me the day before I won't know to set my alarm and bless him he will choose to miss out rather than wake me up to suggest it. No matter how many times I tell him to wake me up after a certain time if he wants to he won't because he worries I need my sleep.

If she is doing it willingly then fair enough , although I admit I find it odd presuming he's an adult but if it works for them then what do I know, but if he's emotionally manipulating her into that's horrible.