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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To hate birthdays?

50 replies

courtrai · 29/07/2022 13:13

Well mine at least

Not sure why but certainly as an adult I dread them. The expectation, the crap presents... I would just rather forget them.

Usually I'm on holiday (summer birthday) so I can pretend it's not happening. However I have a relatively new DP (3 yrs) who thinks he can solve this issue. He can't. The presents are invariably unwanted and usually returned (see also Christmas). That makes me sound totally ungrateful but I'd rather have nothing.

It's that time of year again and he's started making noises about buying stuff. How can I make him understand that I don't want it without causing offence.

I would add that I'm not a complete ogre and do make a fuss of DC's and others who appear to enjoy birthdays

OP posts:
Chamomileteaplease · 29/07/2022 13:36

Do you not have any material desires? If it was exactly the item you specified would that be ok?

What about going out for dinner /theatre/ whatever instead?

But it's your birthday and therefore you should get to choose what you do and don't do 🙂.

Thepeopleversuswork · 29/07/2022 13:43

I love birthdays but you're not alone here: I know a lot of people who feel as you do.

I think if its your birthday you get to celebrate it (or not celebrate it) as you see fit. I think its reasonable to be a bit considerate of those around you and not prevent them from demonstrating their love and affection for you, ie don't be totally miserable and grumpy. But you certainly have the right to say no presents and have that respected.

FlorettaB · 29/07/2022 13:43

’The presents are invariably unwanted and usually returned’

You do sound a tad Grinchy.

Thighdentitycrisis · 29/07/2022 13:46

I’m just like you ! I hate fuss and presents. I put it down to feeling unwanted and unworthy of attention as a child.

2pinkginsplease · 29/07/2022 13:48

As a family birthdays were always something to be celebrated, not necessarily in a materialistic way but as a family and having fun. This wasn't the case in dh's family and he felt birthday's weren't really that big a deal. I think I've changed his mind.

My dh rarely buys me a surprise he tends to ask and I give him a few options. That way I get something I want or need.

A birthday is to be celebrated , it means you are getting older and some people don't get that privilege.

My dad died at 31, I celebrate each birthday as if it was my last.... just incase.

10HailMarys · 29/07/2022 13:48

Hard to believe that you have literally never received a gift as an adult that you didn't hate.

What sort of things are people buying for you and why are you returning them?

Skinterior · 29/07/2022 13:50

I'm very quickly going off birthdays - could do without the 'lovely meal' planned for this weekend that mainly involves everyone snapping at each other and shooting me tight smiles. I'd be happy with a dominos and the telly.

Although they're very good for you, the more you have the longer you live Grin

LunaNova · 29/07/2022 13:56

My DH hates his birthday while I'm a "it's my birthday!!!!!" Kind of person. Pretty early on we established a "we celebrate each other's birthdays how the birthday individual wants to spend them".

That means he buys me a gift and we do an activity for my birthday and we do nothing and I buy nothing for his. In fact this year I'm off out for a meal with my friends on his birthday so he's at home with our toddler, but that suits him fine.

In terms of individuals who insist on a gift (like his parents) he's started asking for specific items he would buy himself anyway rather than saying he wants nothing because then they buy tat. So for example he will say he needs new pants/socks from Next or send a link to specific tshirts. He hates surprise gifts, which usually end up not being used.

I think for someone who loves their birthday it can be pretty hard to get their head around the fact that someone might not enjoy theirs. But I think it's also disrespectful to force someone to celebrate when they don't want to.

wheresmymojo · 29/07/2022 13:59

Why don't you just make a big list of lots of things at different price points you would like for your birthday and let him pick from that?

That's what we do. There's still an element of surprise and I always get things I love so no money wasted at all.

I don't think this one is that hard to figure out a way around.

Friffle · 29/07/2022 14:01

Surely there's a thing you want, or an experience you'd like to try.

Let the poor man buy you that item you've been perving at in the Screwfix catalogue, or take you for a lusted after trip on a miniature railway.

TimBoothseyes · 29/07/2022 14:25

I'm not fussed about my birthday either. Luckily it's on Dec 25th so no-one ever makes a big deal out of it anyway. I always ask for practical stuff for my birthday. Last year I got a velvetiser from DP and a vegetable rack from DD. 😄

SalviaOfficinalis · 29/07/2022 14:28

I feel the same. A couple of months before my birthday I start thinking of things I want (ready for when people ask)… but then I don’t want to wait for my birthday and just buy them myself 😁

Original poster
courtrai · 29/07/2022 14:31

Honestly I can't think of anything that I particularly want; we're fortunate that kids are a bit older so most of our cash can be spent on doing what we want when we want it. I have enough clothes/shoes/bags to last a lifetime.

Previous presents have been expensive but unwanted (my wedding perfume from marriage to ExH and every conceivable body product to match as an example) so I've returned them rather than allow that money to be wasted.

I do love and treasure the kid's presents

All I want to do is go to work as normal and pretend it's not happening. It probably comes down to a multitude of crap birthdays (my 40th was a humdinger and the day I decided my marriage was over). DP really REALLY wants to make me love birthdays but in reality the thought of them just makes me want to cry

OP posts:
WhippedSoap · 29/07/2022 15:06

My dad died at 31, I celebrate each birthday as if it was my last.... just incase.

That's a lot of pressure to put on one day 🙈
I find birthdays difficult too, like previous posters it's down to my childhood.

It's nice that your DP wants to celebrate you, but I don't have the answer unfortunately. People who love birthdays and have good experiences of them will never see it as anything other than you being 'grinchy'.

(I always work hard to give my DCs lovely birthdays & make them feel worthy of celebration)

Original poster
courtrai · 29/07/2022 15:18

Well I've asked him to respect my wishes so hopefully that'll do the job.

I do make a fuss of DC's birthdays, even through lockdown when it was tricky (a very strange 18th). I don't want to pass on my irrational habits to them

OP posts:
Bubblebubblebah · 29/07/2022 15:24

We don't do gifts but buy trips as presents instead. Good compromise. I still get something and deinks and all that and DH doesn't have to suffer through cake and pressies he hates for himself.
Money well spent imho

Pavlovascat · 29/07/2022 15:36

I don’t mark my birthday at all.

I haven’t for a few years now. Getting older gets me down.

I was sick to death of being told I should be happy and getting older was a privilege and that not everyone does - I know, my mum died in her 30s so don’t try to emotionally blackmail
me about other people dying young to try and change my personal view. Living to an old isn’t great either as my dad with dementia shows me.

I’ve always hated birthdays since I was a child, I’ve very bad memories of a few.

No cards, no presents, no mention of it. I don’t even know what the date is half the time anyway so it passes me by.

dh has to be the fucking king of everything on his birthday and we celebrate the children's. They accept that I don’t celebrate mine, even the little ones.

Cheesechops · 29/07/2022 15:42

I had two very close relatives die within a couple of days of mine. It’s never been the same since. I now pretend it’s not happening

RuthBrenner · 29/07/2022 15:49

I'm not a fan of birthdays, opening presents and pretending to love them is something I'm just not good at and I hate being the centre of attention. I'd much rather everyone forgot about it tbh.

DappledThings · 29/07/2022 15:58

My DH hates his birthday while I'm a "it's my birthday!!!!!" Kind of person. Pretty early on we established a "we celebrate each other's birthdays how the birthday individual wants to spend them".
Same, but the other way around. So for his I make a cake, arrange a day or a meal out, buy something I hope he likes or has asked for and for mine he pretends he's forgotten the date and ignores it.

Took me years to stop pandering to how other people think I should have a birthday and put my foot down. Just turned 43 and received 2 cards and no presents, perfect for me!

junebirthdaygirl · 29/07/2022 16:04

I have a Summer birthday and it has been a tradition for dh to but me a new plant..or a few for my birthday. Also new pots. This means l get something l love and my collection grows so l am happy. Get ongoing enjoyment from them Not bothered with any other present.

ddl1 · 29/07/2022 17:55

I am the same! In my case, it's mainly that I hate to have my transition from one age to another to be made into a social occasion. Never liked the focus on age, even when I was a child. Also, when some people disregard my wishes, and seem to regard my birthday-phobia as either an act or as something that I should be forced to change, it makes my hatred for birthdays even stronger. I have even had nightmares about people forcing birthdays onto me.

Perhaps if you put the focus more on wanting to forget your birthday, rather than not wanting presents, you might be taken more seriously (because some people think that they shouldn't ask for presents, so he might think that this is the case for you). I have found that this tends to work in my case.

orangeisthenewpuce · 29/07/2022 18:02

Getting older and still being alive is a cause for celebration. I can't believe so many who have to do things they don't want to do on their birthday. There is no way I'd do that. It's my birthday, I decide what's happening. Usually it's a meal out with children and OH. Then I have a few nights out with friends. But if I wanted to stay in with a take away that's what I would do.

Original poster
courtrai · 29/07/2022 18:03

I'm glad to know I'm not alone in this. Everyone I know seems to love birthdays and all the fuss that goes along with it. It's just not for me I guess

OP posts:
balalake · 29/07/2022 18:05

YANBU, your choice. Could you ask for a donation to charity, or where you get a card and someone in a developing country receives something- goat for example?

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