To hate birthdays?

[courtrai]

Well mine at least

Not sure why but certainly as an adult I dread them. The expectation, the crap presents... I would just rather forget them.

Usually I'm on holiday (summer birthday) so I can pretend it's not happening. However I have a relatively new DP (3 yrs) who thinks he can solve this issue. He can't. The presents are invariably unwanted and usually returned (see also Christmas). That makes me sound totally ungrateful but I'd rather have nothing.

It's that time of year again and he's started making noises about buying stuff. How can I make him understand that I don't want it without causing offence.

I would add that I'm not a complete ogre and do make a fuss of DC's and others who appear to enjoy birthdays

I don't love birthdays or have a big fuss but if I am honest I think a reaction as strong as the OP's is unusual and unhealthy. It is not about the gift itself it is a about the process of giving and receiving - being able to receive a gift is important. So we do not really buy big gifts because we also have the things we want/need, but we get a few nice little things (nice jam, or a book, or a pair of very good socks) to express love and to feel loved.

It took both of us time to learn this due to birthday issues in childhood. But I am very glad we did learn it!!

A birthday is to be celebrated , it means you are getting older and some people don't get that privilege.

it also means that one is closer to death, and to the infirmities of old age, or, if one already has some infirmities, to their increasing. I am not telling others not to celebrate their birthdays, and am happy to celebrate other people's birthdays if they wish. But I would be grateful if others would refrain from pressing me to celebrate mine. I am all too aware that not everyone has the privilege of getting older. I grew up with chronic health problems that weren't diagnosed for over a decade; never knew if they might mean something fatal (and it could have shortened my life if I hadn't responded well to treatment); and spent too much time in children's wards, where I met other children who died not long afterwards. And my awareness of the possibility of early death has made me more afraid of age-focused days, rather than less so. So please don't tell me how I should react.

I also don't like them either but I find it worse to be given a load of gifts that I don't want, last year was really bad so I have given exact details of gifts to buy.

I hate birthdays too. It's not the presents so much as any general fuss when I haven't actually done anything to deserve it apart from keep breathing for another 365 days. Fortunately, my husband & friends now know not to make a big deal out of it.

A birthday is to celebrate that you exist. It is not about your age, it is about your unique human existence. It is not about anything you have done to deserve anything - it is about the fact that you have a value as a person.

Birthdays are really deep. Everyone can do as they wish but as a convert, I really celebrate them internally now. They are lovely days.

Great post

i don’t celebrate mine. I absolutely hate the day. I have my reasons and I expect people to respect why.

after all, it has nothing to do with anyone else

Birthdays are really deep

They really aren't.

I hate mine as well. In my late thirties now which makes it worse.
Feel so old and only going to go downhill from here

I don’t hate them but I really dislike then. I hate being fake happy, don’t like getting older, don’t think the day should be different for any other day, don’t like attention and prefer not to tell anyone it’s my birthday and tbh it gets on my nerves when other people go on and on about their birthdays. I’m forever grateful my mam is alive to celebrate my birthday as with age unfortunately comes loss but if it wasn’t for my mam I don’t think I would do anything at all.

Agree with this. Some people, myself included, get pleasure from making others feel special even though I don't enjoy being the centre of attention. It's part of their love language and could be interpreted as rejection.

So perhaps this needs to be managed by the Op so that a compromise is reached. A dinner at a favourite restaurant ( no balloons or surprise cakes) rather than a party. Trip to the cinema, theatre, gallery, exhibition, whatever, to see something that appeals. Also come up with a list of presents rather than passively awaiting a load of 'tat' that you don't want. I always ask for things to do with hobbies, practical stuff that I may need or want but not obvious to anyone else. People often struggle with ideas and are grateful even if it isn't conventional stuff.

Perhaps if you put the focus more on wanting to forget your birthday, rather than not wanting presents, you might be taken more seriously (because some people think that they shouldn't ask for presents, so he might think that this is the case for you). I have found that this tends to work in my case.
I agree. I only managed to get people to really accept how serious I was about hating it when I made it black and white. No presents, no cards, no cake, no mention of it. Anything less than that red line and there will always be someone who thinks you don't mind a card so you don't really mind a present and maybe you don't really mind a surprise party. Which is my absolute nightmare.

It helped to reframe it not as "I don't want anything" but "I actively want nothing"

Oh no, birthdays are great. Even if you just do one small thing for yourself that you wouldn’t usually - even if that’s buy an extra nice packet of biscuits! Big celebrations aren’t for everyone but you can do happy things, for you, in your own way

What could be more meaningful than birth, life and death? We have a birth, we live a life, we die. That's all there is. Pretending our birth does not matter is quite a statement, I think.

I don't think that most birthday-haters are claiming that their own or others' births don't matter. It's more that they feel either that (a) anniversaries of their birth are not important (after all, you're not born each year); (b) they dislike the expectations, conventions and customs that surround their birthday; or (c), like me, they dislike having a special day focused on their new age. Most birthday celebrations, especially in these days of 'significant' 'milestone' birthdays, seem to be more focused on age than on the fact that someone was born.

I don't need the excuse of a birthday to buy something nice for myself, I can do that anytime.

Out of interest

how is your relationship with your DP?

I think personally birthdays are not just about the person whose birthday it is but the people around them who care.

Over the last few years I have taken a new approach for my birthday and plan what I want to do. So for example this year I asked for a nice breakfast out, as I know the kids are always happy with that, then a family swim, followed by an easy dinner of pasta and meatballs. Not because I care about meatballs particularly but because it is the one meal we can cook that everyone at home enjoys and doesn't argue about.

I also actually answer when asked what I want. I tend to get my favourite perfume every year which is Chanel so expensive, and ask for treats for myself like jewellery or money / vouchers towards a cashmere handbag or shoes. This year I had a lovely pair of sandles I had chosen and wear them all the time at the moment.

I think it's only a day but it's fun letting people you care about make a fuss if they want to

I think personally birthdays are not just about the person whose birthday it is but the people around them who care.

Over the last few years I have taken a new approach for my birthday and plan what I want to do. So for example this year I asked for a nice breakfast out, as I know the kids are always happy with that, then a family swim, followed by an easy dinner of pasta and meatballs. Not because I care about meatballs particularly but because it is the one meal we can cook that everyone at home enjoys and doesn't argue about.

I also actually answer when asked what I want. I tend to get my favourite perfume every year which is Chanel so expensive, and ask for treats for myself like jewellery or money / vouchers towards a cashmere handbag or shoes. This year I had a lovely pair of sandles I had chosen and wear them all the time at the moment.

I think it's only a day but it's fun letting people you care about make a fuss if they want to

I think personally birthdays are not just about the person whose birthday it is but the people around them who care.

Over the last few years I have taken a new approach for my birthday and plan what I want to do. So for example this year I asked for a nice breakfast out, as I know the kids are always happy with that, then a family swim, followed by an easy dinner of pasta and meatballs. Not because I care about meatballs particularly but because it is the one meal we can cook that everyone at home enjoys and doesn't argue about.

I also actually answer when asked what I want. I tend to get my favourite perfume every year which is Chanel so expensive, and ask for treats for myself like jewellery or money / vouchers towards a cashmere handbag or shoes. This year I had a lovely pair of sandles I had chosen and wear them all the time at the moment.

I think it's only a day but it's fun letting people you care about make a fuss if they want to

First thought in my mind was why it's it so hard to receive?

The best way of showing that one cares IMO is to respect the other person's wishes and phobias. Most people who are close to me care enough to refrain from inflicting a birthday fuss on me, when being reminded of my birthday causes me pain.

I do agree that in any gift-giving situation, it is usually good if people ask the person what they'd like and the person tells them. It's nice to know that you're giving someone something that they'd like, or that you're receiving something that you like. I don't mean that you should ALWAYS have to ask; but sometimes all the conventions about it being 'impolite to ask for things'; about gifts needing to be surprises; about giving the 'right' gift being a test of someone's effort and thoughtfulness, etc. can get in the way of real enjoyment of giving and receiving presents.

Mostly good; we have a lovely life and I don't want for anything, hence present buying for him is difficult. We eat out, travel a fair bit, I have everything I need. He looks after me very well and genuinely wants me to be happy. He just wants to 'fix' my birthday hang up. I'm happy enough to continue as is I'd just rather ignore the whole day and the weight of expectation that goes with it.

We have tried shopping together before on actual birthday but I feel pressured to choose something, anything just to appease the need to have a gift rather than something I genuinely want and that feels so very wasteful

I like birthdays. I invariably don't want anything, because if I did I'd have bought it before. But a single bar of wholenut chocolate and a card is enough to make me happy.