AIBU to hate my family

Jellybubbamama0987 · 2022-07-29T11:36:12+00:00

Could be a long post but here we go My dad died recently and I’ve just realised what I’ve been feeling about it. I’m angry. I'm angry he wouldn’t get the Covid jab. I'm angry he caught covid in hospital and died. I’m angry my family wouldn’t bother with him while he was alive but once he was gone they were staking claims to his belongings. Yes he was a cantankerous old fart but he was their family. It was left to me, the youngest, to always be there for him. Christmas was a prime example of this. Nobody wanted to have him over for Christmas dinner. Nobody. So of course he’d come over to ours (partner didn’t really like him either) every Christmas because I couldn’t let him be alone. My mum died in 2000 so that was over 20 years he spent Christmas in some form with me and whoever I was dating at the time. My brother had an odd relationship with him and I’m sure his wife had told him to not invite dad over for Christmas dinners. My dads sister used to drive past the end of the road and never once did she call in to see him. They all had his phone number and didn’t call him to see how he was. I’m just angry and I don’t know what to do with this feeling. I’m a very “whatever will be, will be” kinda person (having my mum sick from me being 11 years old kinda changes your view on life) but I’m actually angry about this. AIBU all families are dysfunctional or AINBU I’d be angry too?

hatedbythedailymail22 · 29/07/2022 12:58

Sounds like they all had good reasons not to be in contact with him. You made a different choice, but they aren't responsible for you feeling put upon.

billy1966 · 29/07/2022 13:04

OP,

You made different choices to them.

How have they access to his belongings?

If they don't, and you do, you don't have to entertain them, specially anyone outside your brother.

I wouldn't be listening to them rewriting history either.

Suit yourself, just as they have.

Original poster

Jellybubbamama0987 · 29/07/2022 13:42

billy1966 · 29/07/2022 13:04

OP,

You made different choices to them.

How have they access to his belongings?

If they don't, and you do, you don't have to entertain them, specially anyone outside your brother.

I wouldn't be listening to them rewriting history either.

Suit yourself, just as they have.

My brother, who lives in the same town, started clearing out the house before asking me to help so people got stuff that I wouldn’t have let them have. My dad wasn’t rich, he had a paupers funeral as he had so little money saved up, but it was the whole principle of it all. Maybe I just need to let it all go but like I said I’m not used to feeling angry. I’m a people pleaser and I know that’s a toxic trait but that’s me. My partner is the complete opposite and is vindictive so he thinks I’m right but it feels wrong

OP posts:

CalistoNoSolo · 29/07/2022 13:49

It doesn't sound like your father was a nice person, and in life we tend to reap what we sow. You didn't have to invite him every year for Christmas, and your partner is a saint to put up with it. You need to let this one tbh.

CalistoNoSolo · 29/07/2022 13:50

Go. Let it go...

hatedbythedailymail22 · 29/07/2022 13:50

Jellybubbamama0987 · 29/07/2022 13:42

My brother, who lives in the same town, started clearing out the house before asking me to help so people got stuff that I wouldn’t have let them have. My dad wasn’t rich, he had a paupers funeral as he had so little money saved up, but it was the whole principle of it all. Maybe I just need to let it all go but like I said I’m not used to feeling angry. I’m a people pleaser and I know that’s a toxic trait but that’s me. My partner is the complete opposite and is vindictive so he thinks I’m right but it feels wrong

Show quote history

Unless there was a will naming you as executor, it wasn't up to you let people have things or not. You had no more right that your brother did

BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt · 29/07/2022 13:57

Legally, no right but morally, every right...Unless brother thought he was doing everyone's favour by having a clearly and did not realise the sentimental value of some items. Nonetheless, ought to have consulted sister anyway, given her doing the lion's share of hosting their father.
.

BeenThereBoughtTheTeeShirt · 29/07/2022 13:58

Everyone a favour by having a clearout.

10HailMarys · 29/07/2022 13:59

It sounds like your dad was a very difficult man who alienated most of his family. You made a different choice from your brother but just because you were prepared to put up with your dad, I don't see why you'd expect him to do so as well. If you'd wanted to, you could have made the same choices that they did. It wasn't 'left to you' to look after him - you chose to do that yourself.

You say your dad's sister never visited him. Did he ever make the effort to visit her? Did he ever invite her over? Did they even like each other? Just because they happen to be brother and sister through pure chance that doesn't mean they enjoyed each other's company.

You can't place obligations like that on other people. Your relationship with your father was one thing. Theirs was another.

It sounds like you made yourself a martyr but now resent everyone else because they didn't do the same.

WidgetDigit2022 · 29/07/2022 14:02

You say he was cantankerous, so why should others have to put up with that?

Just because you chose to sacrifice your special times for him, doesn't mean others should have.

He should have learned to be nice.

billy1966 · 29/07/2022 14:03

Vindictive is a strong word, is your partner awful?

So there is no will and he swept in with his own key and took what he wanted and gave stuff away?

Often the actions of vulture types that weren't around, but appear when a relative dies.

Not surprising from what you describe.

Try not to allow it to upset you too much.

You chose to be kind to your father, that was your decision.
Try and be happy with your decision and move on.

Odile13 · 29/07/2022 14:03

I voted YANBU because I think you’re entitled to be angry if that’s how you feel. Sounds like you’ve been though a lot and an angry response is natural to some degree. However, at the same time I think most families are dysfunctional in various ways and there is always the way you wish things would have gone and the way they actually went. So I would try to move through the anger, to feel it and hopefully end up with a sense of acceptance.

WidgetDigit2022 · 29/07/2022 14:05

Did you call your partner vindictive?!

Is there a reason why you are drawn to nasty men?

CantaloupeMelon · 29/07/2022 14:08

YANBU to feel angry - it's a normal part of the grieving process. It's ok to have lots of feelings around your dad's death and anger can certainly be a part of that.

YABU to accept that you're a people pleaser and be angry at other people for not being one. If you don't like being a people pleaser and wish you weren't, better to work on changing yourself than judging others.

junebirthdaygirl · 29/07/2022 14:12

Anger is very much part of grieving and l found when my dm died l was angry. Angry at people who didn't come to her funeral..who didn't acknowledge her death . After a while l realised that anger was to do with grief

Original poster

Jellybubbamama0987 · 29/07/2022 14:21

hatedbythedailymail22 · 29/07/2022 12:58

Sounds like they all had good reasons not to be in contact with him. You made a different choice, but they aren't responsible for you feeling put upon.

Maybe they saw something in him I didn’t. He wasn’t hands on, he was born in the 40’s, but he was a good man and didn’t deserve to be used for what little he had. He’d give you his last penny and I hate the fact he got used. He bought me a car once because mine died and I couldn’t afford another one. It wasn’t anything flash but it lasted me a couple of years.

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Georgeskitchen · 29/07/2022 14:30

Did he leave a will? I'm guessing he didn't have much to leave..
I'm sure things would have been different if he had been a wealthy man. The family would have been round him like flies round shit

Festoonlights · 29/07/2022 14:43

Your siblings decision are for them to contend with - your feelings are yours. They didn’t spend one Christmas with him, but maybe there was a good reason for that - maybe there wasn’t but they have to live with it. You did what you thought was right and so did they.
keep anything special to you, and let it go. Be happy you gave him many happy memories.

Limecoconutice · 29/07/2022 14:44

10HailMarys · 29/07/2022 13:59

It sounds like your dad was a very difficult man who alienated most of his family. You made a different choice from your brother but just because you were prepared to put up with your dad, I don't see why you'd expect him to do so as well. If you'd wanted to, you could have made the same choices that they did. It wasn't 'left to you' to look after him - you chose to do that yourself.

You say your dad's sister never visited him. Did he ever make the effort to visit her? Did he ever invite her over? Did they even like each other? Just because they happen to be brother and sister through pure chance that doesn't mean they enjoyed each other's company.

You can't place obligations like that on other people. Your relationship with your father was one thing. Theirs was another.

It sounds like you made yourself a martyr but now resent everyone else because they didn't do the same.

This is all very convenient though isn't it when one sister will take over the caring responsibilities. It's easy to walk away knowing no harm would come to the dad. But if the op hadn't taken on the role, would it have been as easy in reality? If he fell over constantly, it didn't eat properly or was a danger to himself? It's all very well saying no one is obliged to look after their parents if they don't want to but in reality it is only fair to share family responsibilities like this. It's not fair to leave it all to one person. It's obvious it's not a walk in the park shouldering responsibility alone. Sometimes we all have to do things we don't want to do. And if you don't want to do it for a parent you no longer love, you do it out of fairness and to be a support to your sibling, or the person doing the hard work day in, day out.

Op you are entirely justified in feeling anger! Can you talk to the people concerned? Tell them how you feel?

Collidascope · 29/07/2022 14:56

For what it's worth, I think this kind of dynamic is fairly common, OP. One kid does everything for the old parents, the others do little or nothing and the one saddled with the care get resentful - especially when the parents die, and everything is split equally and there's no reward or validation for being the "good" child. I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal, and I think a fair few families are dysfunctional. I'm sorry you've lost your dad, and that you had to watch your mum being ill.

Original poster

Jellybubbamama0987 · 29/07/2022 20:37

junebirthdaygirl · 29/07/2022 14:12

Anger is very much part of grieving and l found when my dm died l was angry. Angry at people who didn't come to her funeral..who didn't acknowledge her death . After a while l realised that anger was to do with grief

Thank you and I think you’re right about grief. I organised the funeral and I feel that I’ve not had time to feel anything and I think anger is the first thing I’ve felt since April.

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Original poster

Jellybubbamama0987 · 29/07/2022 20:40

Collidascope · 29/07/2022 14:56

For what it's worth, I think this kind of dynamic is fairly common, OP. One kid does everything for the old parents, the others do little or nothing and the one saddled with the care get resentful - especially when the parents die, and everything is split equally and there's no reward or validation for being the "good" child. I think what you're feeling is perfectly normal, and I think a fair few families are dysfunctional. I'm sorry you've lost your dad, and that you had to watch your mum being ill.

Thank you. I was 11 when my mum first got cancer and she fought it for 13 years. I also think that’s why I’m a people pleaser because I grew up very fast and did what I could to make her life easier so putting other peoples feeling ahead of my own comes naturally

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TheLoftHatch · 29/07/2022 20:54

Hi Op!
I've been in a very similar situation to you and if anyone has not said it recently, you're doing GREAT!

Even if you don't think you are, you are!!

Caring for a difficult relative whilst handling family dramas and everything else in between, is the hardest thing ever. I wish they'd taught 'caring for elderly relatives and not feeling guilty' at school,but apparently it doesn't work that way.

I know it's hard, but you've got this.😊

Original poster

Jellybubbamama0987 · 29/07/2022 20:58

billy1966 · 29/07/2022 14:03

Vindictive is a strong word, is your partner awful?

So there is no will and he swept in with his own key and took what he wanted and gave stuff away?

Often the actions of vulture types that weren't around, but appear when a relative dies.

Not surprising from what you describe.

Try not to allow it to upset you too much.

You chose to be kind to your father, that was your decision.
Try and be happy with your decision and move on.

My partner has autism so his views are very black or white, he doesn’t see they grey areas in things. Yeah my brother started cleaning the house before he’d asked me so I don’t know everything he’s given away, I’m not talking money but some personal things that I might have wanted. I know my auntie is a vulture type and dad once told me to not tell her when he died because he knew she’d be in there taking things. Because of my mum
being sick while I was still a child I couldn’t abandon him when he got ill, I couldn’t have lived with myself. He was 81 and had been ill for about 18 months in and out of hospital but I live about an hour away plus I have a 9 year old and a disabled partner, I couldn’t be there all the time

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Original poster

Jellybubbamama0987 · 29/07/2022 21:08

TheLoftHatch · 29/07/2022 20:54

Hi Op!
I've been in a very similar situation to you and if anyone has not said it recently, you're doing GREAT!

Even if you don't think you are, you are!!

Caring for a difficult relative whilst handling family dramas and everything else in between, is the hardest thing ever. I wish they'd taught 'caring for elderly relatives and not feeling guilty' at school,but apparently it doesn't work that way.

I know it's hard, but you've got this.😊

Thank you 😊 when my mum died I went through the stages of grief quickly, mainly because I’d been preparing for 13 years lol this time I feel nothing and that’s confusing. I was having trouble sleeping last night and it came to me, what I’m feeling is anger. It annoyed me while he was alive but I felt it was their loss but now he’s gone it hurts more. When I say he was cantankerous he wasn’t mean but more he said things to get reactions out of people like when my mum died we went to the funeral home and the man at the desk said “hello, have you come to make a donation?” My dad said “yes, my wife”

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