To often feel devastated and terrified at the thought of my parents dying?

[Psm92]

I’m 30 and single and don’t have any children. I have a brother with whom I don’t really talk or communicate (long story) and the thought of losing my parents, my only family, is terrifying. I feel so rootless even thinking about it. They’re both 65 and in decent health but I know that can change any minute. I live around the corner from them so see them several times a week. I also have a health issue which means I often don’t get out very much and socialising is limited. I do have good friends but it just doesn’t compare to the unconditional love and support and care of my parents.

I know this fear is most likely due to circumstances. I think if I was in a happy, stable long-term relationship I perhaps wouldn’t feel it so keenly, but regardless, it’s really upsetting me.

Is this normal?

It's not normal, no. Your parents are hardly decrepit, they are 65! But the reality is that they will (in all likelihood) die before you, and that is the natural way of things.

Have you tried counselling or something - talking to someone about this fear?

I think if you loved them, somehow you need to strive to find your own emotional, social (and may not apply but financial) independence.

They are young and should not be spending their retirement worrying about their adult-child. I say this because my SIL has sucked the life out of my PIL with her dependency and emotional immaturity and blackmail. She would openly moan about how sorry she felt about her circumstances and this crushes my PIL to the point they are no longer able to enjoy themselves. All their energy is now focused on their daughter, all their pension, everything and they no longer do anything for pleasure for themselves. Its a truly heartbreaking situation. It has created a lot of sadness for my DH.

I'm not saying you are doing the same, but I would strongly advise for you to become independent in all senses, its the only way you and they can truly flourish. good luck x

@hoping2021 Thanks for your response. I am completely independent and they have no idea how I feel. I have no plans on telling them I’m sad about them potentially dying!

Thats good hear. It's just you stated you were single and that you live around the corner from them, and see them several times a week. To me (and I honestly don't mean to judge) there seems to be some sort of co-dependency.
I'm sorry to hear you have health issues, but is there any way you could move a bit further away, perhaps where there are more people your age which would increase your network of friends and potential to meet a life partner (if that is what you seek).
Coming back to my SIL case, she has had no problem finding men to date, but they all seem to run a mile (I think when they see the codependency with her parents). My PIL even dropped her off on a date and waited in the car for date to finish!!!!
Sorry again, I don't mean to judge your circumstances. But I feel like there is a lot more to this than "fear of death".. and as pp has suggested I think therapy/ counselling might help xxx

We'll all be sad, very sad, when our parents die, but not to the point where it dominates our lives like it does yours.
Your parents are supposed to die before you - the real tradgedy is if it happens the other way round.

In the nicest possible way OP, you need to talk to someone. This isn't normal.

Yes this is not normal. You need to work on building more close friendships.

It’s upsetting to think about, sure. When I was younger, the thought of my parents dying was terrifying to me. Eventually, I just refused to think about it because it upset me so much.

Then they died. Too young actually, by a good twenty years. It was utterly devastating and has fundamentally changed me in a number of ways. But I did survive it. Life is still worth living. I have a husband and children so I appreciate it would be different for you.

But your parents will go before you (hopefully), and you WILL survive it, and life will go on, just different to how it was before. Chances are they will be around a good while yet. Enjoy your time with them; cherish them. I got sad in the supermarket the other day, even though it’s 9 years since my mum died, because the shop seemed to be full of women a fair bit older than me (significantly older in some cases), shopping with their elderly mothers. I would have liked to be able to help my mum when she was elderly but she never made it.

I appreciate you’re single, but would you like to meet someone? You’re still very young so it’s perfectly possible you will meet someone who will become your partner.

Do you have some good friendships in your life?

Sorry, just realised you already mentioned friendships in your OP.

@waterlego Thank you for your kind response and I’m really sorry to hear about your loss. Sounds like you had a really lovely close relationship with her.

I do have good friendships. A few very close friends in particular. I guess I just feel like it’s not the same (not that it would or even should be necessarily). Last year I was diagnosed with a serious health condition too that affects my mobility and means I’m indoors a lot. It’s also made me question whether I’ll ever find a partner. Having my parents who love my unconditionally and live near me and I can spend time with just doing nothing has been a huge comfort. So I guess the sadness is compounded by my particular circumstances. I never felt this way prior to getting ill.

I would love to meet someone but just not sure if it’ll be possible with my current health.

I didn’t really worry about this. The odd time it would enter my head. Mum mentioned she bought my 40th birthday gift and put it in her safe, when I was 37 ‘just incase anything happens to me’. I remember being horrified when she said told her of course she would be around and then moved on. She was only 63 at the time. There was no chance she wouldn’t be around for my 40th.

she died really suddenly, last December at 66. 20 weeks before my 40th. Honestly, it’s devastating.

i feel many things. Loads of emotions. I don’t regret not worrying about her dying. Worrying about it wouldn’t have changed it. It would have impacted me and my mental health. It would have distracted me from just enjoying being with her, because I enjoyed being with her.

I can imagine, that you may regret wasting so much time worrying and spending emotional energy on something you can’t do anything about. Enjoy the time you have.

I do agree its the other areas that may be driving this anxiety and it not really be about losing your parents. It might be worth pursuing some professional support, looking at those areas.

See them as much as you can. Enjoy the time you do have. Try to not let worry ruin what time you do have.

You need to find other places for your love to live.

You have plenty of it, and it can grow infinitely.

So spend time building friendships, maybe even your relationship with your brother if you can, your friends, your colleagues, volunteering, anything you feel passionate about really, that will bring you into contact either face to face or otherwise, with other people. Especially if you’re helping with or organising something, that’s really the key to it.

You say you have good friends… invest in those friendships too. When your parents become older, perhaps ill, and eventually die, you’ll have a strong and loving network around you. A partner and children may or may not be part of this.

Really good relationships take years and years to build, and many fall by the wayside. There’s got to be more to those relationships that having a coffee or going for a drink. It’s ultimately the shared holidays, shared events you’ve helped at, shared personal difficulties that you’ve helped with, that really build friendships. Introduce your parents to your friends too (maybe in small doses!) so that when they have passed away, you can share their memory with others.

Start now - you have everything to gain, and nothing to lose. Rather than getting stuck on what you can’t do, concentrate on what you can do.

No one will ever love you like your parents, and you’re very fortunate to have that strong bond with them at this stage in your life. But the natural order of things is that they will likely pass away before you, and either or both of them may have years of ill health ahead.

Do what you can now while they are fit and well to shape your life for when they have gone. It can’t do any harm at all!!

Please try not to worry about it, enjoy every moment you have with them. My mum died at 68 if I had spent my time worrying (until I needed to worry) I would have missed out on so much of us living. Worrying is exhausting, sadly all of our parents die we all do it's inevitable but worrying can't change that so focus on happy times and all the lovely moments you all have together.

Well YANBU because of course it isn’t unreasonable to worry about your loved ones dying. I think PP is right though, about you needing to find a bit of independence. If only so they don’t have to worry about you when they near the end. I know if my child didn’t have a partner/kids and I was their main company, I would be very worried about what would happen to them if I wasn’t around.
do you want a partner/kids etc? Do you have very close friends, a passion for anything in particular?

It truly is great you have that close relationship with your parents, I was married and still at my mums house 3 times a week as she was amazing and funny and great company. Don't change that bond you have with them, stay close.

I never worried about her dying I just imaged her being like my Nan, carrying on until her 90s, sadly that was not the case and we lost her 30 years too soon.

But I'm glad I didn't worry about it, we had a blast together and I look back now at the relationship we had with such good memories and I feel truly blessed to have had her.

Yes it is the worst pain I have felt, I did feel alone in the world for a while (and I have a great brother, husband, father and friends) but you get through it and it's not worth all the anxiety now, please speak to someone if you feel it is starting to dominate your thoughts. Enjoy the times you do have, you will be glad of it when the time does eventually come.

Good luck OP

I look at it this way: it’s surely preferable to experience your parents’ death than them experiencing your death.

Its perfectly normal to worry about your parents dying and worry about how it will affect you

For some reason people seemed to miss or misinterpret that you are not dependent on them. I didnt read into your OP that you are dependent on them in anyway so I dont know how others did

But its inevitable on this site that people will automatically jump on to you being 'not normal'

As you get older it becomes more real, you have to face 'what if',, as it what if they need care, what if the more robust parent dies first and there are worries about how the more vulnerable parent will manage or how you will manage if they need care

I think its hard but obviously if the worry becomes all consuming then it will take over. Its right to be mindful about what might happen but to try to feel that its a long way off yet.

I've told my Dad that I'm not sure how I'd cope without them both, my Mum would just look at me like I'm completely mad. He has reminded me that that's the natural order of things and to grieve for a short while if that's what I want to do but not to waste my life in grief and let it pass me by, we come this way but once. I appreciate the chat because one day I'll remember it and it's poignancy.

Would you mind sharing a little more with us about your specific health issue?

For what it’s worth, I haven’t seen my mum in over 10 years and my dad lives halfway around the world. I got very seriously ill 5 years ago (before DH and DD), when I was living in a shared house etc. I had to get to grips with quite a scary condition very quickly and alone. It wasn’t pleasant, but I can honestly say after that I feel I could perform minor surgery on myself if I need to 😂 I no longer fear illness or death, and after giving birth I don’t fear pain either. You’d be surprised at your own inner strength.

@bellac11 Thank you for your lovely message - it was a bit upsetting reading some other comments, one poster actually suggesting I'm "co-dependent" just because I'm close with them.

@Wouldloveanother No problem at all. I have an ME/CFS diagnosis after catching covid more than a year ago. Nobody really knows for sure whether it's a lifelong condition or not, but can last several years and there's no real way to know how it'll go.

Sorry to hear about your health condition too - it sounds like you're doing really well now? Glad to hear!

@VerveClique Thank you for your message. It's definitely a good idea to invest as much as I can in friendships. I definitely do try to do that, it's just difficult sometimes as although I'm quite young, I'm just not able to be as active or available as a lot of my friends. They do come and see me when I'm in a low health period, but I guess I still just feel lonely, spending most of the day and then often the evening alone too (I work from home).

OP you are welcome. I’m similar with my DPs in many ways, although it’sa complex relationship at times.

You’re doing well, and self awareness is the first step.

You write really well… could you be a telephone befriender for a charity that supports people with similar conditions to you perhaps? That might be a start. Then do be the favourite auntie for your friends kids… i know that this can be fraught with difficulty but sometimes it can just be wonderful in so many ways.

And like a PP has said… just think how traumatic it would be for them to lose you. As adults we have to be brave and let our parents go eventually.

Unmumsnetty hugs to you x

I am the same. I think about them dying several times a week. Doesn't help that in my job I see death and dying daily and often these people are similar ages to my parents. Horrible feeling 🥺

I feel like this. You are not alone.