Inspired by another thread about CF in service industries. What have you done to get your own back to rude customers?

[ServiceIndustry]

I once worked in a cafe where a couple would visit regularly. They were horrible to all the staff. Mainly young women. Complained every time and tried to get a discount, but religiously returned the following week.

They asked for soup one time and we were 30 mins from closing so what was left had been emptied into the food waste bin (clean I might add), I took great pleasure in scooping it out and serving it to them.

I give change in the smallest coins I can. 5p's are my favourite coin to use.

Drunken abusive customer huffily declared he was on his way to our competitor instead. A 5 minute drive away. By the time he came out of that shop, the police were there to breathalyse him and (I hope) prosecute him.
We know they did it because one of our Saturday lads was dispatched to their car park to watch and wait after we called it in to the police!

We also report drunk and drug drivers and will often hold their food to keep them on site until the police turn up.

A customer was awful to deal with. The next time I did a quote for them, I made up the quote reference number to include WAC. It stood for What A C*nt. Customer would have been oblivious but it was small and petty, I was quite satisfied with myself.

Another awful customer was falsely advertising they had an industry accredited qualification ( i double checked with the industry body). Even though it wasn't anything to do with us, I reported them to the governing body (they take it quite seriously when people mis-use their logo and/or falsly claim their qualified) just because they were incredibly rude and disrespectful to us when we dealt with them.

When behind the bar, I would put their change down in a puddle or on the wettest part of the bar I could without it being too obvious.

When waitressing, I would sneak a chip or two off their plates before taking them out or take twice as long to grab the condiments.

I would also do my checkbacks when I could see they had a mouthful of food and stand their smiling sweetly until they answered me.

I did have a colleague who would lick the steak knife or pizza wheel (which both came out on the plate with those meals) if a customer had been rude to her and ordered them, or she would like the rim of the glass when they ordered drinks.
To me that was going too far.

Oh, when a customer asked for garlic mayo, we had to scoop out some mayo from one of those massive white tubs and mix it with the prepped garlic from the chef station. If someone was a dick, I'd either make it super garlicy or hardly garlicy at all.

I would also do my checkbacks when I could see they had a mouthful of food and stand their smiling sweetly until they answered me.

Oh no! This makes me think I may have been rude to some people inadvertently as this always seems to happen. i dont think I’m rude!

A lot of places do this intentionally because everyone does that awkward nod smile thing when their mouths full. Don't worry!

If we had a group of lads who were being dicks and trying to show off, I'd offer them to do a shot challenge which included a range of different flavoured shots with one being the 'short straw'. It would usually be a chilli infused spirit mixed with pepper and tobasco. I'd make it as hot as I could get away with and nine times out of ten the lad who got it, his eyes would water and he'd try and be all macho in front of his mates while dying on the inside.

Haha, you can usually tell from the servers face if they're doing it on purpose.

We have a 'hospitality face' which is a very fake smile and once you'd identified it (or had to use it yourself) you'll know exactly who is doing it. There is almost an evil glint in the eye and a very sweet smile.

Made them wait an extra 3 weeks for their order of flooring when I knew they were living with concrete floors. I could have delivered it within 4 days but I didn't like them so I didn't. I offered the earlier date to another customer who was polite and made them wait

They were beyond rude and told their little boy he better do his school work when he got home or he'd end up working in a shop like me. Like fuck was I going to help them out in any way.

very often gave rude customers decaff instead of espresso and some I just didn't bother to put coffee in their drinks at all lol

I used to shake their cans of soft drink, not enough for a complete explosion, I only had a second out of eyeline from the window in the 24hr garage I worked in. Only the rude ones. We served from a hatch overnight by choice as it was in a rough neighbourhood. As in, we didn't sell kitchen foil because the junkies would steal it. They were in uproar when milky bar and kitkat stopped being in foil wrappers and switched to plastic!

I once served a really obnoxious woman at an event. It was just a quick sandwiches and nibbles thing; she'd requested dairy-free so the chef made falafel wraps. She whined and bitched at me that she wasn't a VEGAN just lactose intolerant and I had to go and get her some MEAT.

I told the chef and he made her a MEAT sandwich but put in lots of raw onion so she'd stink. Petty but fun.

I don't do anything bad to rude customers, I am perfectly polite.

But I have full discretion to give out freebies, discounts and extras. Rude people get none.

Group of about 15 students came up to the bar all ordering separately, so I was asking for their ID before I served them. Mostly no issues, apart from this one guy who had a right chip on his shoulder for some reason. Threw his ID at me with a look of disdain. I didn't say anything, just picked it up, checked it, gave it back and said "thank you" then walked off. Took him a good 15 mins to get served after that. Petty I know, but I really didn't care. Served him right for being a knob

When I worked behind bars, if somebody was a dick (and they were almost invariably male), I would ask for ID, even if they were blatantly over 18.

Bear in mind this was about 20 years ago, before digital ID was a thing, so the only acceptable versions were passports or driving licences, which people rarely carry.

I got an enormous amount of passive aggressive joy from saying 'sorry son, not tonight' if they couldn't produce it.

Do you remember how you could 'draw' a shamrock on the head of Guinness as you pulled it? We used to draw a cock and balls in ours to men (it was always men) who were obnoxious.
Always used to put change onto the bar top in a puddle of spilled drink.
Occasionally in a fine dining restaurant we used to put fake orders down to the kitchen and eat the meal ourselves.

@AffIt digital ID? Am I a dinosaur or does this exist?

New book orders in libraries used to be on cards. For really popular books the wedge of cards used to be pretty long. Throw a piece of paper with the book details down on the desk and be rude to me and your card would be going riiiiight at the back (and dated accordingly).

I frequently did exactly what they demanded.

Be a dick to me or colleagues when we're trying to help and declare that you wish to make a formal complaint because we're so shit? Great. I'll facilitate that. Oh, you're now on a 30 day legal timescale instead of the 20 minutes it would have taken to sort it all out for you had not been a prick.

'Just fuck off, you stupid/lying/idiotic bitch, I've had enough and can't be arsed with this anymore?' Fine. That's an issue closed before the formal stage and is therefore recorded as resolved.

'Stop fucking calling'? OK. Thought you would have appreciated being told that the thing you were on the waiting list for is now available and you're at the top of the list. Never mind, the person below you was very happy to hear they got it instead.

Go and tell the chef he's an incompetent dick who would be hard pressed to cope with flipping burgers in McDonald's? OK. I'll tell him that's exactly what you wanted to say to him. Chances are he'll come out so you can expand upon your critique. And you'll shit a brick because he's six foot eleven and finds it funny when somebody six four who thinks he's such a big man sees him walking over.

This bit of passive aggression is the most perfectly British revenge of the thread.
@SliceOfCakeCupOfTea you are a sly, evil genius.

I had one of those chilli shots once. Luckily it was snowing outside so I ran out and filled my mouth with it.

yep, I did this too. Very satisfying. They never got allowed off their fines either. Oh dear you haven't got 5p with you, shame, no new books today

I used to be able to get 8 or 9 Jager bombs out of 1 can of red bull. The ruder you were the less of anything you ordered you got. Twat tax.

When I was in bars it would be the usual. Ignoring the rude person and servicing everyone above them. Radioing the door staff to have them removed when I Just didn't want to deal with them anymore.

Now I work remotely for the Head office I have to find more creative ways. Delleting the sweary dickish compliant on voucemail. Accidently hanging up instead of transferring someone etc

Not nearly as satisfying to be honest.