To think to get nice things DSS needs to go to school!

[onthebus22]

DSS is 15, is bright but is naturally lazy and will do the minimum. Isn't badly behaved but certainly knows how to push his teachers buttons. Over the past 12 months he has been trying to find less and less reasons to attend school. He isn't being bullied. He wants to be home schooled, he doesn't see why we can wfh and he can't. In his view he can get his course work done in 2 hours why spend 6 hours in school. We don't want to home school him. None of us have the capacity, although his mum is so exhausted by the fight she is considering starting her working day at 4am, so she can help him in the afternoon, which is madness. He wants to go to uni, but has no idea what to study. Last term he was frustrated by his grades B + / C's, but he really did the minimum. This term he'll get a shock because he's hardly been there. Are we being unreasonable to start to using 'nice things' as an incentive for him to go to school, at the moment we had a restaurant booked (his choice) this weekend and we are currently planning a trip to Asia. Do we cancel dinner? And say he need 100% to come on holiday or will that just push him further lack of motivation?

No way would I offer carrots, I’d sooner go back to the office than let him think he can stay at home because you do.

DS was lazy at school, I worked from home then too (he’s 28 now) but I made sure he went every day, I maintained a relationship with school too, not always good as he was frequently getting in trouble, but on the whole I supported them.

I also encouraged out of school sport, for the exercise, the friendships, the team building, the social life.

And finally at school he met his first GF whose parents were high achieving academics, that opened his eyes to another family environment and was a turning point for him.

He needs to widen his horizons OP not reduce the size of his world.

He is not legally required to be in school.
He is legally required to be educated, but you can be educated otherwise than at school.

I'm not saying that school wouldn't be the best place for a lazy child, but to say he legally has to be in school is just plain wrong.

If he is registered in school as his place of education, then yes he is legally required to be there. But the parents could choose to deregister.

Why would he want to go to university if he can't even drag himself in for his GCSEs. Six more years of education doesn't sound like it's a choice he would want to make.

I'd pull anything that costs money as he's not fulfilling his role as gcse student. If you just stopped working there would be a hike drop in your lifestyle.

What you are suggesting is punishing him for not wanting to go to school by stopping him doing family activities. That seems a terrible idea and risks making him miserable and ruining your relationship.
If you want to bribe him I would use an extra thing that hasn't been on the cards previously. But to be honest I don't think that is the answer here.
There will be a reason why he doesn't want to go to school and it's unlikely to be laziness. Plenty of children attend school and don't do much work, whatever their ability. It should be socially enjoyable, better than staying at home anyway. You say he's not bullied, but are you sure? Does he have a good friendship group, does he fit in with his peers, does he like his teachers? Are there particular lessons he enjoys? Are these the ones with teachers who can keep order? Does the school have problems with low level disruption?
Home schooling is an option but at 15 he's presumably going into year 11 so halfway through GCSE courses. That's not a good time to change.
I'd be more inclined to encourage him to give year 11 a good effort and then change to a 6th form college for a level. Hopefully he will find like minded friends there and be happier.

He needs to find his own motivation, to succeed at university and later on in employment he'll have nobody to wake him up, get him up and push him off to lectures or work.
Unfortunately he'll only learn by failure of not passing exams with the grades he wants and being sacked for poor performance.
Motivation comes from within not from dangling carrots in front of his nose.

My son got himself a part time job alongside study ing at home, people who have not homescholed have no idea what it entails. Most home schooled kids have already spent years in the school system and thats precisely why they opted for home schooling, adults now have the choice to wfh, so why not young teens who find school outdated and limiting?
Your son won 't automatically become a recluse or shut in because he's homeschooled, that false perception is so outdated, and at school they only ever mix with people the same age, where in real life does that apply? He' s old enough to take responsibility for his education and the quality is so much higher online, my son achieved top results across the board, something he said he would never achieved at school as the pace was way too slow, he was so bored it triggered anxiety, and the teachers who taught the subjects had zero passion.

For everyone saying "Well if he doesn't go to school, how will he cope with University?", actually think about it. University is not a rigid 9-3 set up. University mixes you with people of all ages, not just the people in your town who happen to be born within specific dates. University is relaxed about clothing choices, hair styles, footwear. University students don't need to raise their hand to ask permission take their own blazer off. And the absolute no brainer - at university he would be studying a subject he is interested in and that he has chosen instead of whatever the National Curriculum dictates that he must learn despite never needing it in adult life.

Your son doesn't sound lazy to me, he sounds burnt out with being forced into a system for his entire life that doesn't suit everyone. He wants to go to university. He wants to make the most of his time and study efficiently instead of wasting hours upon hours at school dragging it out to satisfy a timetable. At 15, there wouldn't need to be a parent supervising all day. There are loads and loads of free online resources for GCSEs and tons of books on Amazon to help.

School is not for everyone and we live in a society that has brainwashed the majority into believing there is no other choice and schools are the absolute be all and end all and if you DON'T go then you are doomed for all eternity.

Imagine if you had two hours worth of office work that you could easily do at home, but your family forced you to commute into an office in uniform for six hours instead and called you lazy if you didn't want to go.

15 is a crucial age and listening to your son and helping him now will be invaluable to your relationship. There are two hours in the day he'd be studying. He could work part time, earn money for university, help around the home, learn to change a tyre, learn to cook, wash and iron. He'd go to university a different man. And with his GCSEs under his belt.

Work with him to find a suitable MOOC for August. There are loads, free ones even. Tell him you'll have a discussion when he's completed it. Ideally it would be one with assignments - if not, set him a piece of writing himself and discuss it with it.

I think a change to sixth form college after completing sufficient GCSEs would be a better carrot - or an apprenticeship maybe?

for example, if your child is really interested in graphic design, they can do a course on graphic design, post their work, get feedback, ask questions about technical issues. They can't do this at a regular school.

Wait, other teachers aren’t marking work and giving feedback? Why am I spending hours a day doing it then? Why am I walking around the room and discussing their work with them if others aren’t?

He stays home because he can. It sounds like everyone has been too easy going about this. There are two options. He goes to school or if you have the funds enroll him in an online school like Inter High. However from what you say he is lazy and won't want to do the work and lessons. He needs a reality check. What is he on course for grades wise?

I have to agree with things. Some things in life aren't optional in life, school and work are these things. Don't like it? Tough, if you want any kind of future you just have to suck it up and get on with it.

Of course everyone would prefer not to have to do anything they don't want to do, or put in minimal effort but life doesn't work like that

We are raising a generation which includes far too many lazy and entitled young people and it's frightening. The amount of surprised pickachu faces (often followed by tantrums or tears or complaints) from the Grads when you give them a task and the answer to their 'I'd rather not do that' is 'well it's part of your job, so sorry but it is not optional and I expect you to get on with it' is surprising, it's like no one has ever said no to them

I would get him to demonstrate that he can motivate himself to do the work at home. Maybe use a week in the summer holidays as a trail period and if he completes all the work etc then you have nothing to lose by Home Educating him.

I went to school and failed everything but at the same time taught myself to play the flute and the sax including reading music. Taught myself how to knit and crochet and had a vast knowledge of history through reading and this was all before the internet existed. Once i left school and was responsible for my own education i have a degree in politics and a master in social policy and have had articles published. I was clearly a child who would have benefited enormously from being home educated - as would many others who are being schooled.

He is absolutely right about Home educating only needing a couple of hours a day rather than the full school day and the rest of time is free for seeing friends and doing other activities.

However, you will have to fund the GCSE's and find an exam centre and make sure he is following the right curriculum for them. But he does not need to take as many GCSE's as school force you to. However this may be a deal breaker for the family. Focus on what he needs for the next stage of his life but also remember he can go to collage in a year and take exams there as well.

Forget about all the comments on the social aspect of school - that is the biggest red herring out there - Home Educated children's social skills more reflect those needed in the adult world as their social lives are more reflective of the adult world.

You could temporarily try home schooling, as there is a lot more flexibility out there than there was pre covid. But I would put on it that he has to do a lot better in his grades and effort than before, and that the continuation of home schooling is a condition of this. This might give him a kick up the arse if he really wants to carry on with home schooling permanently.

Thanks for everyone who has taken the time to respond.
He is definitely spoiled, both materialistically and emotionally. He is an only child, only him and his mum and DH & I as long as he's ever known.
So he's never really had to share the limelight, if that make sense.
He is in a private school and has been since day 1.
We are all frustrated by this, he is bright but in my opinion just can't be arsed. Simple as that,
He's never really had to work for anything, naturally bright, good at sports, popular - he has a good lifestyle in both his homes and wants for nothing. There has never been any consequences for his actions, I'm the strictest out of the 3 of us but it's not my place to parent a child that isn't biological mine. I think the penny is dropping, that he is going to need to graft so he is trying to find an easy solution, in his eyes that's not going to school. I can't home school him, I have a city job, 10/12 hour days. DH could, but it would be a stretch - he is client facing. His mum shouldn't be able to but she can find a way to do so (albeit mad)
I agree that he shouldn't be rewarded for the minimum, but we really don't know what to do. Next time he doesn't go, DH is going to physically take him to school front desk. But my guess is he'll just do one lesson then walk home to his mum's who has lost the will to fight. I'm fearful he'll miss so much of life being home schooled but just don't know how to motivate him to do the basics.

Look up EBSA (emotionally based school avoidance) and 'push and pull factors'.
I think the idea of getting him to research it and present you with a proper plan is excellent. Either he won't be able to do it or he will and you'll have a plan that works.

My point was that a lot of children’s interests fall outside of the regular school curriculum, so unless your school has a graphic design department and a teacher who specializes in graphic design then they can’t study graphic design at school.

I think you need to figure out what he is interested in. What does he want to study at university? There are loads of free online courses he could try over the summer. He doesn’t need a parent there to watch him. The point is that he does it himself at his own pace in his own way.

Most school refusers in my very long experience of working with them were neither. There was a mix of stuff going on at school, stuff going on at home, friendship issues, apathy and lack of any consequences at home, no parental interest etc. I'm obviously not aiming this at you OP but usually consequences for not going work more than reward for going.

What consequences work for teens?

Have you spoken to the school's SeNCO and what does his tutor say? That doe's sound like lazy to me, but like avoidance. Not working hard is one thing, but literally running away from school, especially if he used to be popular and good at sports? Are you sure nothing bad has happened? Sexual abuse or bullying maybe?

'Doesn't sound like lazy to me', sorry, fat fingers.

What does he do when he's not at school? If he plays on games, you can shut the internet off if he plays online, or remove the console. Removing his phone is another option. You mentioned a meal in a restaurant being booked. I'd still go but he hasn't been to school I'd go without him. But, is there any way you can get in touch with his friends and try and find out if anything has happened at school?

On the days he does not attend school the internet is switched off. On these days he doesn't get to go out with his mates or attend sports. I would be cutting back on treats and cash. I think the issue will be that it sounds like his family do not all agree and they sound unlikely to enforce any of this. The question that needs to be posed is how likely is it that he can get any GCSEs being home schooled by his mum?? Unless she has some serious skills in GCSE maths and English and is capable of forcing her ds to do any work, he is highly unlikely to get anywhere with this.

He's at private school?

How much are you all paying for him to not turn up? Cancel those fees and send him locally.

Absolutely right

What a shocking waste of money

The school must be laughing all the way to the bank

Get him out of there to a school which can offer better support to him

Even if you give notice now you'll have to pay for next term but I'd be looking elsewhere as a matter of urgency