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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

To think your parents having really loud sex was wrong?

72 replies

Cnbv574747 · 27/07/2022 21:33

I’ve just started therapy and have several issues with my mother ..but one of the memories that came up was that she used to have ridiculously loud sex with various boyfriends / step dads ..I mean screaming her head off with absolutely no holding back or consideration. We lived in a very small house and it happened often.

Another time when I was about about 8 I slept in her bed because my dad (who had split up with her) came to stay for a weekend ..I think to try and patch things up but he was sleeping in my bedroom. I woke up and he was in the bed having sex with her right next to me. I ran out crying and slammed my door and they didn’t come to talk to me later or anything. I mentioned it to my mum in the morning and she was really nasty about it and said I better not tell anyone and I needed to stop being ridiculous and get over it.

it’s stirred up some really horrible memories and feelings. Do most people have memories of something like this or was this not right?

OP posts:

HappyDays40 · 28/07/2022 06:17

HappyDays40 · 28/07/2022 06:20

Showing q child pornography is sexual abuse having sex with a child present is he same thing. Your mum was abusive OP that is unforgivable.

Arsewangry · 28/07/2022 06:41

It’s abuse and I’m pretty sure a criminal offence. Disgusting behaviour and I’m really sorry you experienced that.

woolwinder · 28/07/2022 06:57

When I made my comment above I did not realise the circumstances; it was, although true, not appropriate to the situation. Children should not be exposed to sexual activity.

Allelbowsandtoes · 28/07/2022 07:26

So sorry you went through this OP, them having sex next to you is horrific.
When I was younger my mum broke up with my dad and moved us all five hours away to live with her new partner. I used to hear them loudly having sex (well it was her being loud really) and I hated it. To this day I'm still angry with her about it, when she's tired in the morning she does this really high pitched yawn that is similar to her sex noises and when I'm staying and hear her yawn in the morning it makes me want to punch her 🤢
Thats what made me realise I still have unresolved feelings about it 😅

WaitingOnATrain · 28/07/2022 07:50

She is disgusting op.
I'm so sorry for what you experienced.

Marvellousmadness · 28/07/2022 07:53

Omg your mum is the absolute worst. Yuck. That is vile and grim and probably second hand abuse (like when she had sex with your dad in the same bed as you when you were 8!!!)

Surely she has some sort of mh problems. Or is just the worst of all kinds.

HRTQueen · 28/07/2022 08:04

I remember my mum being raped in front of me by my abusive step dad but she was also very sexual around him and other men I remember I was about 3/4 her having sex with a man in the sofa and I was asleep in the room

my mum will dismiss my feelings, I’m over emotional, hormonal, I have even been accused of being jealous of the attention she got (I wasn’t I just wanted a mum to put me first and not be so wrapped up in her being attractive to men)

my mum is a horrible selfish women and this has left me with anxiety and low self esteem that has impacted my whole life.

i don’t let men into my home life now I am a mum but for me I’m ok with that ds comes first end of and he is a happy confident boy

your therapy will likely bring up a lot more best of luck with it, it can be very emotionally challenging at times

i am still in touch with my mum I don’t tell her anything and see her once a month that I can manage I would like to cut her off but would feel too much guilt towards my Nan so have comprised with myself just find what works for you

Newmumatlast · 28/07/2022 08:05

This is disgusting. An adult shouldn't even WANT to have sex with a child in the bed, drunk or not. It is plainly child sexual abuse. And being that drunk in charge of a child is also abuse. The loudness I think is also - it is possible to control oneself either by being quiet or just not having sex when your child is in the house if you feel incapable of being discreet. The revolving door is also something that could've been prevented as coming to your knowledge. I'm sorry this happened to you. In your shoes I'd be telling my husband he needs another job ASAP and cutting off my mother. I would also expose her for what she had done to family and friends if they asked why.

georgarina · 28/07/2022 08:10

Yep, this happened to me with my dad and his girlfriend. I was in the bedroom next door and the walls were very thin. It was disgusting and very disrespectful, I thought, and still do think.

georgarina · 28/07/2022 08:11

I missed out the part where you were in the same bed. That is classed as sexual abuse.

leonpride · 28/07/2022 08:12

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

IodineQueen · 28/07/2022 10:29

Very similar situation in my childhood. It was worse when we were on holiday as we stayed in caravans so the ‘walls’ were paper thin. I used to dread going to bed every night and dread waking up every morning. I started pulling out my hair and dissociating.

We also used to go on ‘days out’ where my parents would find a secluded spot by a river or whatever and I’d have to sit and endure them being sexual with each other. My heart still races thinking about it.

They used to show me sex toys and ask what I thought they were for. I remember my mum asking me to take a pair of crotchless knickers downstairs to my dad, I was only about 5 at the time. I vividly recall my mum sitting me down with porn magazines.

It fucked me up massively and I grew up with a sense of sex being evil as I associated it with fear and shame. I still feel scared and intimidated by men’s sexual arousal.

None of this should have happened to us. Our childhood and naïveté was stolen in a way. It’s disgusting.

IodineQueen · 28/07/2022 10:31

Just to add that I used to get into a panic at friends’ houses in anticipation of hearing their parents. Never did though.

coffeeisthebest · 28/07/2022 11:13

Yes it was wrong and abusive. Alcohol can't be blamed either OP, and I suspect that this was the tip of the iceberg in terms of her abuse of you. Keep going with the therapy. My parents made sexually inappropriate comments around me too, had no boundaries regarding what I watched on tv in terms of sexual content, my sister had sex with me in the room while we were on holiday, and I have also grown up with a very messed up attitude towards sex. None of it is ok. I also minimise it normally and struggle to see it as the same as direct contact sexual abuse. It fucked me up nontheless though. A lot of my therapy is about my ambivalence towards my own feelings which I think is related to them not caring about what I experienced. Therapy is tough, OP, but it felt like the only way through.

coffeeisthebest · 28/07/2022 11:14

IodineQueen · 28/07/2022 10:31

Just to add that I used to get into a panic at friends’ houses in anticipation of hearing their parents. Never did though.

I also did this. I still do to some extent.

VestaTilley · 28/07/2022 11:29

Oh you poor thing; I’m so, so sorry.

It’s definitely not normal or appropriate. I remember a few years ago a woman posted on here asking the same question. It’s abuse.

It’s good you’re getting therapy; I do hope you have all the support you need. She sounds like she’s not healthy to be around at all. You should have been protected and looked after.

Addicted2Kale · 28/07/2022 12:16

Child abuse, pure and simple. If they can't be punished, I would find a way to eradicate them from your life. How can you heal and move on with them present. And how did your husband wind up working for her??

xogossipgirlxo · 28/07/2022 12:39

I feel so, so sorry for you. My husband had similar situation. His mother took him to holiday, they were sleeping in the same room. He woke up in the middle of the night and saw her having sex with some guy. He's 34 and still can't get over it. Needless to say he's NC with her, had mental breakdown, so I really get your position. Please take care xxx

IodineQueen · 28/07/2022 13:09

coffeeisthebest · 28/07/2022 11:14

I also did this. I still do to some extent.

Show quote history

Me too. I had forgotten about the problems after actually…

I had a breakdown as a teenager and at 16 I was sent to live as a semi-independent lodger with a single woman. On a few occasions the woman who was supposed to be supporting me had men round and had loud sex with them. Needless to say it triggered me massively. She found out I’d mentioned it my social worker and was furious with me. The social worker also didn’t understand why I was so upset. I ended up having to leave.

I spent the next few years in flatshares but it was always at the back of my mind and was my main consideration when looking for a room. I wouldn’t take a room in a couple’s house, or a young man/woman’s house.

I’ve lived alone for years now so thankfully I don’t have to think about it much, but on the few occasions I’ve heard neighbours I’ve found it quite distressing.

Original poster

Cnbv574747 · 28/07/2022 14:09

Thank you everyone, I really appreciate all the supportive messages and from hearing from other people who have had similar experiences (although of course I’d rather you hadn’t had to go through this).

someone said this was likely the tip of the ice berg in terms of her abuse…other things I remember were putting on really sexually age inappropriate films on for us to watch..things like ‘basic instinct’ under the age of 10 and I would sit there humiliated and not dare show a reaction or leave the room. If I misbehaved she would also give me the silent treatment / send me to my room and ignore me for hours / till the next day even if I apologised. As an adult I’m one of those people that says sorry for everything and always feel at fault even when looking back I haven’t done anything wrong.

she would call me a bitch, selfish, ungrateful, oversensitive, hormonal, drama queen and these are things that I worry about myself now and always have her voice in my head.

on the other side she could appear outwardly caring ..showing her love usually by expensive gifts and holidays rather than affection or time. She would be very overprotective and interfere in any issues I had with friends at school which must have come from some place of caring but she would never let me deal with issues myself and I still feel indecisive and like I always need external validation now.

but even now I have that voice in my head thinking if I ever raised it with her she would probably laugh and think I had a very privileged childhood and say something like ‘you can’t blame all your problems on your mother’ I should add that in my 20s I abused drugs and got a short time got into sex work. She found out about this and was very worried I would somehow shift blame onto her which I didn’t. I don’t use drugs anymore and have a normal job so fortunately pulled myself out of that but it masked a lot of the anxiety which is why I’m now seeking therapy.

anyway very long rant over! Thank you again for all the support

OP posts:

IodineQueen · 28/07/2022 18:32

She found out about this and was very worried I would somehow shift blame onto her

I think that’s rather telling. She knows what she did was wrong.

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