To think your parents having really loud sex was wrong?

[Cnbv574747]

I’ve just started therapy and have several issues with my mother ..but one of the memories that came up was that she used to have ridiculously loud sex with various boyfriends / step dads ..I mean screaming her head off with absolutely no holding back or consideration. We lived in a very small house and it happened often.

Another time when I was about about 8 I slept in her bed because my dad (who had split up with her) came to stay for a weekend ..I think to try and patch things up but he was sleeping in my bedroom. I woke up and he was in the bed having sex with her right next to me. I ran out crying and slammed my door and they didn’t come to talk to me later or anything. I mentioned it to my mum in the morning and she was really nasty about it and said I better not tell anyone and I needed to stop being ridiculous and get over it.

it’s stirred up some really horrible memories and feelings. Do most people have memories of something like this or was this not right?

It is abuse, pure and simple. Your mother is a disgrace.

I’m sorry @Cnbv574747 that’s truly horrific behaviour. I’ve known other people this has happened to and now that I think of it their parents were also heavy drinkers. I bet if your mother let herself think about it for one second she would die of shame, hence her anger with you when you were little. It’s no excuse but drink makes people do terrible things they wouldn’t do sober. Im so sorry you have to deal with this now, still.

So wrong 😢😩

@Circleofshells thank you..I do think it was driven by alcohol rather than being perverts or something thank god but its the total of respect or care about my feelings I think. I think if she had been mortified and apologetic the next day I wouldn’t feel so bad about it.

You've been gaslit OP, you can't trust your own instinct that you were treated badly as a child because you were probably told over and over when you were young that you were being ridiculous, selfish, immature etc when you spoke out. I'm glad you are in therapy and one day will be able to say for yourself, that was so wrong and I didn't deserve it and trust your own instincts. NC doesn't have to be overnight, you can build towards it but also it doesn't have to be literal you can see your mum and be involved but keep your emotional distance, be polite be nice but keep your internal boundaries knowing you've removed her ability to hurt you which will come when you realise you've no question to answer here, no guilt, no shame that she can trigger, this is hers, not yours, let her sit with all the crappy feelings and you free yourself

I’m sure my parents never had sex, never heard a thing.

Op, from a social work perspective this is at best severe neglect, but most would class as sexual abuse. The difference is only really thinking about the adult intentions - eg some would make the distinction between someone intentionally having sex in the vicinity of a child for sexual kicks, compared to someone having sex in the vicinity of a child without noticing/caring the child is there. However regardless of the category the impact on you as a child is still the same, and it is still abuse. Im only pointing it out because it is common for victims of 'indirect' sexual abuse (ie not abuse by touching) to think comparatively and feel that there's doesn't 'count' compared to other victims.

I feel for you. I didn't have as an extreme experience, but I was very aware as a child of my mum and partner being drunk and having sex, walking across the landing naked afterwards, my mum stumbling around in lingerie. Nothing was ever spoken about sex in the daytime - my mum literally sniggered or giggled about it like a 14yr old might. It definitely screwed up my attitude to sex growing up (as well as having a really poor relationship with my mum)

And I thought it was just me OP
This happened to me a lot when I was a child, my mother was also a heavy drinker at weekends.
It's horrible and even more shocking now that I have children of my own and the thought of them being exposed to that kind of behaviour horrifies me. I'll never understand how you could treat your child like that. I'm just glad to have broken the cycle.
Best of luck with your therapy

That's so disturbing. So sorry you had to go through this OP ❤️

It’s definitely abuse!
Especially having sex in the same bed as you. I think that’s absolutely vile!!

I remember sleeping at my friends house and her parents used to have really loud sex. So much so that before we went to sleep my friend gave her headphones to wear.

What was worse is they dressed up in bondage gear and came and said goodnight to us first.
I was a teen so it didn’t upset me or anything but I was mortified for my friend.

They used to always have sex in public too and I’m not a prude but I always found their behaviour really odd - like they needed everyone to know they were having sex.

I’m glad you’re having therapy OP as this was not ok.

However regardless of the category the impact on you as a child is still the same, and it is still abuse. Im only pointing it out because it is common for victims of 'indirect' sexual abuse (ie not abuse by touching) to think comparatively and feel that there's doesn't 'count' compared to other victims.

I completely agree and although it must have been difficult to start this thread I am very glad that you have.

@Jenpeg i think you’re right..growing up my mum was forever calling me selfish, ungrateful, over dramatic or hormonal etc. Any opportunity to invalidate an emotion was there. It’s so annoying because I know that logically but still have the feelings of guilt for thinking like this / like I’m making a fuss over nothing. It’s when I had kids of my own as well and wouldn’t dream of doing this / then ever being aware of our sex life let alone present

Sorry OP, but I think they were perverts. Do you believe she was too pissed to get up and go into the other bedroom with him? Too drunk to shut the fuck up knowing her child was in clear earshot of her sex screaming, time after time?
I think she was getting off on it.
She's a disgrace.

I remember this so vividly too. I remember crying asking them to stop. They act like you’re lying of course.

When I was 12 I heard my mother say 'Don't get Vaseline on my nightie' to my father.

No its not right all. That was full on perverted and abusive.

This happened to me once on a holiday in Wales.

My mother and her "partner" weren't in same bed as me just the same room - I was about 13 at the time & I think they presumed I was asleep 😣

It's definitely affected my sex life to this day nearly 50 years on 😓

You were a non-consenting party that had been brought into her sexual endeavours, through presence, sight and/or sound on multiple occasions, with intent. Ignorance through inebriation does not negate malice.

That is sexual abuse.

I'm sorry that you've experienced this. It's ok to acknowledge you've been sexually abused by your mother and that the abuser is still in your life.

Would your husband look for an alternate job in a role that did not involve your mother, as a means to support you so that you do not have to face your abuser?

Of course you do, you were conditioned to think your feelings and thoughts didn't matter or were wrong and to be liked or loved you had to silence them. It's such an awful thing to do to a child, to take away their autonomy, their sense of understanding themselves, and the world and love them conditionally, this is the worst part of it for me, what she did re sex was awful and abusive but to also then create all the self doubt in you around it to deny and cover up her own wrong doing is abhorrent. But you must be strong and resourceful to be claiming back your own narrative, that logical voice you can hear will get louder and louder and your mum's will fade.There's a beautiful path ahead for you because you are taking responsibility for yourself and your own parenthood, you're going to be ok OP but there will be some rough bits as you learn to reconfigure and undo how she conditioned you, having your own kids is often a trigger for people to realise the truth ie that they were right as a child, their feelings their anger and hurt was spot on but they were manipulated, gaslit, denied etc. You're seeing it, you keep exploring. Tell younger you we all see her and understand her and feel hurt for her, but most importantly have self compassion, find any support and self care you can. And well done for breaking the cycle, it takes strength

@Jenpeg
Great post, thank you

You have all my sympathy OP as I too suffered this as a child. When I was little and my parents were still together my mum was just loud, the headboard going and springs boinging etc. I remember the first time young and innocent and not knowing/understanding what was going on and running into the room thinking my mum was being hurt. They split when I was 8/9 and that was it for a while.

When I was around 13 she met a new man and after no time at all he had moved in and it was just awful and she was totally unapologetic about it when I told her it was seriously upsetting me. I think she said something along the lines of well your old enough to know what sex is, and adults have sex and it’s normal so deal with it! Honestly it was so loud our neighbours could hear it too which only led to further embarrassment for me, seemingly not for my mum though. I could never work out whether she just didn’t care what people thought (me included) or whether she actively wanted people to know.

While for me I don’t view it necessarily as abuse to me, it was torturous to put up with because it wasn’t just overhearing sex (despite bloody headphones and loud music) it was the strange atmosphere that descended over the house and I don’t know if it was that or if was just my anxiety worrying hearing it or what but it just made night times deeply uncomfortable and filled with dread and me just trying desperately to tune it all out. When your a child there is literally no escape from it because you’ve no choice, you have to live there. Needless to say I left home very young and at the earliest possible opportunity which lead to some terrible and unsafe situations for me.

My mum passed while I was still young and long before I had children and whilst I remember this damaging our relationship at the time, having my own children brought about a whole new level of anger because quiet frankly I couldn’t understand how she could do it. The thought that my children may ever overhear us is horrible enough, but to loudly flaunt it in their earshot!!! I could NEVER!!!!

@Cnbv574747 That is child sexual abuse. Your mother and that man are paedophiles

I’m also going through therapy and it’s a journey of emotions! Currently debating no contact with my mother because I honestly cannot get over all she put me through as a child. One of the things being constant loud sex, with a variety of men knowing it was distressing to me. I confronted her several times even as a child and she often found it hilarious. I also woke once to her having sex in the same room as me. She absolutely denies it now which is even more troubling.

It is sexual abuse to have sex in the room with a child, or even to have extremely loud sex when they are in earshot. It's disgusting. I'm sorry you had to experience something so vile!

It feels weird enough when you have a small baby and do it, I don’t understand how people could do this with an actual full on child around.

people are grim.