To back off from best friend

[landonbaby]

It's a long one so bare with me...

A couple of years ago I got close with a friend and with us having DC similar ages and living fairly close we became really good friends seeing each other several times a week.

Since I got close with her I realised her relationship with her partner was terrible. Very controlling and alot of financial abuse. He doesn't help her with the children much and she's expected to stay in the house otherwise she gets accused of flirting. She couldn't even come to my house for a cuppa without him accusing her of there being men here (I have 3 DC and a DH so why there would be men here I don't know)

I've tried gently over the last couple of years to tell her how bad his behavior is and that it's abusive. She knows this but stays.

Recently things got really bad and it opened my eyes a lot to what she's been going through and how bad it is. I'd say on average they fall out 1-2 times a month and it will last 3-4 days then around once a year she will say she's leaving pack a bag etc and go but only to return after a couple of weeks.

This time it went on for 4 months and I was SHOCKED by his behaviour. He is awful so abusive and controlling (I'm talking listening Devices around the house and following her) the abuse even reached me when he started to message me telling me to back off and all sorts of other nasty things (he's already isolated her from most friends and family). She would come round and tell me and DH the latest abuse he was putting her through and my DH was gobsmacked and both of us offered all of our support and help with the kids and also any financial support she may need.

She got so close, but as I predicted just as she was about to go for good this time (house up for sale etc) he's promised to change etc. he suffers from very bad mental health and everyone knows he won't change. I've already seen this chain of events a few times.

The problem is I don't want my friendship to be based around 3-4 months of her ringing crying everyday and me trying to help her for her only to go back.

Il no longer go to their home and have said I won't speak to him again after the drama he tried to bring to me and DH as he's clearly a very unhinged person who quite honestly scares me a bit (I'm not aware of any physical abuse but he is a loose cannon and very aggressive)

Do I massively cool this off and take a step back? I can't believe I've been worried sick for months using all my free time to try and help her get her life together for her to go back when she knows full well nothing will change.

I also hope I do not sound unsympathetic here I know it's an awful position for her to be in and I feel so sad she's going back to it but you can only help so much? I won't spend the next month listening to her talking about how great he is until it all starts again.

So AIBU to back away from this friendship, I will always be there for her but I can't commit to a friendship that is so heavily controlled by her partner when I know exactly what he is like.

No I don't think you're wrong to withdraw.

You have to take into account your own mental health and your family’s safety OP. It sounds like you’ve done a lot to support your friend, but like you say, there is only so much you can do. I think backing off a bit is a good idea.

I understand why you want to back off, and you certainly shouldn't put yourself in danger..... but your poor, poor friend. She's literally all alone from what you describe, and if you back off, that's another person he's successfully cut from her life.

Leaving an abuser is hard. Please, please try to find a way to stay in your friends life and maybe that will give her the strength to leave for good one day.

I completely understand this and that's why I'm so reluctant to back off, but I've watched this chain of events for the last few years and it's completely draining. outside of him she has no life as she can't go anywhere, he controls all her money, he rings multiple times a day when she's with me, there are cameras around their house and he's left listening devices so I won't go there even when he's out. She also changes her mind her quickly, he goes from the worst abuser and dad in the world to daddy of the year within a day and I just can't fake it anymore. He's a vile person and she knows this yet goes back everytime.

It's just sad I'm so gutted for her but everything I say falls on death ears and I can't keep putting myself on the line, giving my time and money for her to go back, he told me she will always go back no matter what and right now I do believe that.

I dropped a friend a few years ago. Her abusive relationship only ended when he got sent down for a very serious crime.. We all supported her. Police installed panic alarms etc.
Then the realisation that she had stayed in contact with him all along.
He sent messages to me via a third party info he could only have gotten from her recently.. Lots of other proof too.
Sometimes you really can't help those who won't help themselves op.
Back away. You really need to ime.

There's a reason she is staying and only she truly knows what that is. You are being pulled into it as well currently. Your instinct is giving you very clear signals, which you need to listen to. That sort of rollercoaster of him being the greatest/him being the worst is really difficult to listen to, I totally get that. She is an adult and she does have choices here, as do you.

I think you need to stay friends and see each other... but tell her that you don't want to be her "sounding block" anymore in regards him and you don't want to hear anymore about their relationship.

You need to protect yourself and this way you can remain good friends.

If she does start on about him, grey rock answer time.... "he's never going to change, please stop talking about him" and keep repeating it until she does.

You might find that once she looses her ability to off load her issues, she may actually leave

Thanks for the great advice everyone.

It's so hard because I've been through this now 4 times with her where she says she's leaving, tells us all how awful he is, shows us the messages or we hear the abusive phone calls, she says she's never going back, we help however we can and end up dragged into the whole mess and then just like that she goes back and within a week there will be Facebook status saying 'best partner and daddy we love you' and it makes me want to SCREAM!

I think I'm going to back off which won't be easy as she is quite a clingy friend (messaging all day and multiple phone calls) but for my own sanity I can't be involved in this anymore.

She knows if (when) the shit hit the fan I'm here and always will be but for now I'm not playing this game anymore

Yeah I would back off massively and tell her you are doing so. She has used you far too many times now only to go back. It has affected yours and your husbands life mentally and financially and you’re not prepared to do it again for the sake of your own family. Harsh I know but I would be so angry at all the time and effort you have put into helping her only for her to go back.

Back off. She's a grown woman and you need to put yourself first. I wouldn't be putting up with multiple calls a day and messages, that's awful!

That's a really tough place to be in, OP. You need to protect yourself but it sounds like you're the only friend she has. Maybe you could explain to her that you can't tolerate the abuse, and seeing her being abused, and that's why you're withdrawing from the friendship. If she decides to leave him, you will support her. But you can't support her to stay in the relationship.

Good luck, OP. Sounds like you've been a really good friend.

having been in the almost exact position of the friend though I suffered physically too i can’t even explain how hard it is to leave even tho you are miserable and you really want/need to it just feels impossible as they make you feel so low and worthless and totally dependent on them. I had fantastic friends that he tried his best to chase away and I’m so grateful they never left my side and I know it must have been hard and draining for them mentally but please don’t turn your back on her because one day something will click or happen and she will leave , it took me 5 years and 3 years on I still find it all quite traumatising but am so grateful for the life I now have and the amazing people who stood by me. If I could tell you anything it would be that it’s not that your support and help isn’t enough and I guarantee she appreciates you more than you know so please don’t turn your back on her x

YANBU OP.

Not everyone leaves their abusive partners. My mum put up with her abusive husband for 30 years before he died. You could be doing this for a long time yet unless you start to prioritise yourself.

Best of luck. I wouldn't put up with multiple phone calls and messages. Perhaps suggest she seeks counselling for herself.

I should add that over those 5 years my best friend saved just about every bit of evidence she could she never told me at the time , one day I had a knock at my door from the police with an anonymous online report made to them advising me that a loved one was concerned for my safety and would I be willing to speak to them and for some reason I finally had the courage to and when I went in for a statement I was astounded at the evidence they had been given by my wonderful friend. She saved my life she said she was scared to do it but she felt like if she didn’t I would be in a box in the ground soon. I will forever be indebted to her as like yourself she was terrorised by my ex and heartbroken every time I didn’t leave and portrayed my life to be perfect on social media because I was mortified at the life I was actually living. Don’t give up hope on her because one day you may be the reason she too finds the strength to leave

Your comment really got me I'm so glad you are doing well now you are incredibly brave and strong! I just want the best for her but she's been in this relationship for over 9 years and I have only witnessed a few years of that and it's just horrible to watch but to also be a part of, with her being isolated from other friends and family she leans on me very heavily and I can't pretend that this is all ok. I need to find a balance but I do want her to know that I'm always here.

You can absolutely still love and care for her from afar while prioritising your own well-being but be clear to her and honest that you are there when she needs you and always will be and that you care for her so dearly but cannot physically stand at the side and watch it anymore. Is it an option to do an anonymous report ? My friend has been so honest and said how hard it was on her but said she refused to let my ex think he had won in isolating me from my loved ones. I hope your friend can find the courage to leave and I’m certain when that day comes you will be there with open arms x

I got some great advice when I posted similar on mumsnet a few months ago.

Set your own boundaries of how much you are willing to listen to. Eg mine was one phone call a week & no more staying with me to run away from her problems (she used to call daily + come running to me to stay everytime they argued which was weekly).

Make excuses, say your busy or even tell her the truth - it's too much for you.

She won't leave until she's ready. Don't waste your time or energy on something she's not willing to change.

She won’t leave until she’s hit her personal rock bottom.

there is nothing you can say or do about it to speed up the leaving process.

i think speak to her honestly. Tell her this is causing huge mental and emotional trauma to you and you can’t just be her emotional outlet anymore. Tell her your door is open but you cannot respond to her constantly.

and leave it there.

she may never leave.

but as a PP said definitely keep all emails, evidence of the abuse she’s going through so you have concrete proof of you’re ever called on to provide a statement to the police. My friend also did and it tipped my case in my favour as without the evidence it was just my word against ex’s

You can’t save people from themselves.

You do what you can and you draw a line.

As they say, put on your own oxygen mask first, and that means prioritising yours and your family’s well-being.

You can be very straight with her and say, “There’s nothing is like more than to see you free from your abusive partner but I am limited in what I can do to help. It’s very distressing to keep fielding your dramas so I am going to have to withdraw a little. I am here though and I do want to stay in touch. Let’s talk each week(fortnight/etc)”

Sometimes people get addicted to drama and chaos. It isn’t intentional but it happens and people like you find themselves caught up in the mayhem. So in a sense, withdrawing is actually helpful because she will receive the message that she has to make the move rather than draw out the drama.

You can’t fix her, you can’t fix him, but you.have been a huge and sincere support, and you can be there when she is ready.

Whilst I do agree OP should withdraw from her friend, I think saying there is a reason why the friend stays is a bit harsh. She is being abused, it's very difficult for some women to leave in such circumstances.

I think yabu, she needs friends and support, his aim is to isolate her and you’d be falling right in to his trap if you withdraw now.
I don’t underestimate how frustrating it is for you though 💐

I'm not blaming her friend by saying there's a reason this relationship continues, I just mean that there will be dynamics within the relationship that none of us, or the friend who is posting here will be able to comment on as we aren't part of it. Of course it's difficult, and she is being abused. But I am more responding to the person who started this thread and whether or not she needs to be constantly available as a sounding board for another adult who is stuck in an abusive cycle.

@coffeeisthebest I completely understood your comment and where you were coming from and appreciated your words. Noone is trying to place any blame on her for staying its just she can't expect everyone to hang around for the ride every time she takes him back. It can look quite humiliating for those of us who spent months trying to help her get on her feet and protect her from his behaviour for her to just go straight back to playing happy families and the rest of us just accept it.

He's feeling very smug at the moment I'm sure as like he told me a few months ago 'she always comes running back' it's so bloody hard when dealing with these abusive awful types of men.

She's an abuse victim, it's not a game and you aren't humiliated for giving help to someone who needs it

FWIW it can take abuse victims on average seven! attempts to break free of an abuser.

My goodness, he sounds awful. Do you ever wonder how she talks about you to him? Or if she relays back to him what you have said? Someone I know gets stuck in drama cycles and I often wonder about this.