To back off from best friend

[landonbaby]

It's a long one so bare with me...

A couple of years ago I got close with a friend and with us having DC similar ages and living fairly close we became really good friends seeing each other several times a week.

Since I got close with her I realised her relationship with her partner was terrible. Very controlling and alot of financial abuse. He doesn't help her with the children much and she's expected to stay in the house otherwise she gets accused of flirting. She couldn't even come to my house for a cuppa without him accusing her of there being men here (I have 3 DC and a DH so why there would be men here I don't know)

I've tried gently over the last couple of years to tell her how bad his behavior is and that it's abusive. She knows this but stays.

Recently things got really bad and it opened my eyes a lot to what she's been going through and how bad it is. I'd say on average they fall out 1-2 times a month and it will last 3-4 days then around once a year she will say she's leaving pack a bag etc and go but only to return after a couple of weeks.

This time it went on for 4 months and I was SHOCKED by his behaviour. He is awful so abusive and controlling (I'm talking listening Devices around the house and following her) the abuse even reached me when he started to message me telling me to back off and all sorts of other nasty things (he's already isolated her from most friends and family). She would come round and tell me and DH the latest abuse he was putting her through and my DH was gobsmacked and both of us offered all of our support and help with the kids and also any financial support she may need.

She got so close, but as I predicted just as she was about to go for good this time (house up for sale etc) he's promised to change etc. he suffers from very bad mental health and everyone knows he won't change. I've already seen this chain of events a few times.

The problem is I don't want my friendship to be based around 3-4 months of her ringing crying everyday and me trying to help her for her only to go back.

Il no longer go to their home and have said I won't speak to him again after the drama he tried to bring to me and DH as he's clearly a very unhinged person who quite honestly scares me a bit (I'm not aware of any physical abuse but he is a loose cannon and very aggressive)

Do I massively cool this off and take a step back? I can't believe I've been worried sick for months using all my free time to try and help her get her life together for her to go back when she knows full well nothing will change.

I also hope I do not sound unsympathetic here I know it's an awful position for her to be in and I feel so sad she's going back to it but you can only help so much? I won't spend the next month listening to her talking about how great he is until it all starts again.

So AIBU to back away from this friendship, I will always be there for her but I can't commit to a friendship that is so heavily controlled by her partner when I know exactly what he is like.

So am I expected to be here when it kicks off (every couple of weeks) and take the calls through the night, watch her kids, recieve abuse from her partner because I'm helping her, spend countless hours consoling her and then once she goes back just crack on like normal? I'm actually trying to remember the last time we talked about me and how I am? It's always drama and I'm just about done. Why should my family get dragged into it. Why should I be worried that her mentally ill unstable partner may turn up at my house to give me abuse for being a good friend to her?

When 4 days ago he was a monster and now it's all 'he's the best' shall I just crack on even though I get no joy from this friendship? Sorry if that sounds harsh but it's the truth.

It is humiliating when I've really stuck my neck out in front of alot of our friends to defend her against his lies when they split but then she goes back and will say it was all lies (the details of his abuse) and now I'm the one making it all up?!

No Ma'am, I'm not playing this GAME again. Yes it's harsh and she knows my doors always open and if she needs me I'm here but I can't be so closely involved with someone who's life this is. It will go on for many more years that I'm sure if she will never leave while the children are young and I'm not doing another 10 years.

Yes I absolutely know this will be happening.

I won't tow the line now and pretend it's great they are back together and I certainly wouldn't be liking any fawning Facebook post (🤢) or being friendly when I see him in public (she has asked me to be nice to him) after only last week hearing him screaming at her and accusing her of all sorts.

She is certainly a people pleaser and will tell people what they want to hear so if he's mad at me then I'm sure she will do some gossiping, luckily I've never said anything I wouldn't want repeating.

It's sad but it's just so much drama all of the time it's draining.

No you don't have to do any of those things, obviously you don't have to do anything you don't want to.

It is not a game it's someone's life. I'm sure it's hardly fun for her either.

It is not humiliating for you at all, it's really fucked up that you think that.

Just step away, you are not this poor woman's friend if you can speak about her like this and you don't seem to have any awareness of abuse dynamics.

Stay off the drama triangle! You will end up in the position of persecutor with him rescuing poor her from you.

I would definitely pull back, I can’t imagine speaking to any friend quote that much tbh.

OP - so have you decided what you're going to do?

@MightbeMaybe you must be able to see my frustration a little?

I am a good friend and have been to this lady I've done everything in my power to help her but every time she goes back. How am I suppose to be a friend but next time it happens in a couple of weeks say 'sorry but I don't want to talk about any of that stuff' that's not being a friend? That's why I'm thinking of backing away? This is now negatively impacting my mental health.

You know I already feel bad enough about this situation I wish I could click my fingers and her walk away but it's not going to happen and with it brings so much chaos. The amount of evenings I'd be trying to relax with my husband and she would ring for 4 hours in tears and I'd sit there on the phone crying with her. It is humiliating as I have spoke out against him and now she's back with him singing his praises saying it was all lies and he's a great partner and father.

I'm not sure if you've ever been in this position but to witness and be close with someone in an abusive relationship is so hard as it's like reasoning with someone who is brainwashed!

Theses only so many times I can say 'it's not right that he's following you' or 'he can't call you a slut or a dirty slag because you said hi to a man earlier today' for her to say 'but he loves me' 'he just bought me a new pair of shoes though'

Im going to back off a little. I'll always be a friend and will never see her in trouble but for now I can't let their relationship consume my life. The friendship basically became about their relationship he even controlled that to an extent (trying to get close with me and DH, sending me messages, asking who would be at our house if she came round etc) and it has become very toxic. I can't keep my true feeling about him quiet after this latest episode.

I hope I'm not being an awful person I really do care for her so much but I don't want to do this again.

@landonbaby

Please look up the drama triangle in friendships. It might help you to step away from the role of rescuer.

I totally understand the frustration!

However, if you are framing it in your head as a game they play or that you helping is humiliating for you (stop passing stuff on and that'll fix that btw) you need to step away.

It's not nice to talk about someone who is being abused in that way. Can you not see that your thinking has shifted into a toxic place?

That's not good for you or your friend.

Sign post her to other avenues of help and step back if you want to. You are not obligated to get involved, but please stop talking the way you are about it. It's very unpleasant.

It's awful to see someone you care about trapped in this cycle but if you feel you can't be there to support through the times when she goes back and "pretends" everything is fine that's totally cool. If you feel like you are and continue to try, she will pick up on the way you feel about her.

When you are being abused you are brought so low. You don't feel like you deserve help and quite often feel like you deserve the abuse or brought it on yourself. If she picks up on how you are feeling about her, she'll just feel worse and be less likely to seek help.

If you do want to help her you could do with reading a bit about abuse dynamics.

If you have had enough, which is fine btw, just withdraw.

I've been in both her position and your position (in that order of course) so I know what you're each going through and honestly, I'd send her this thread... Obviously at a time when you know he's not with her and has plenty of time to think afterwards (and delete the message with the link in!)

If that won't work, nothing will.

This is a really good idea thank you!

I think the feeling of humiliation comes from the fact that the OP has defended the friend from lies to others, only for the friend to now say that the OP wasn't truthful now that she has gone back to her partner. In this scenario, I can see why the OP feels humiliated as she is being labelled a liar.

Op, in your situation I would back off. Your friend's situation is sad, but it is within her power to leave if and when she gets to that point. In the meantime, you can't sacrifice your own mental health, your relationship with your husband/family for your friend however sad her situation.

Yes it was exactly that!

And yes I agree, Its not something I have taken lightly but I can't continue to be involved in all of this.

Clear boundaries for your friend is the answer

• you are my dear friend and I worry about you but this situation has gone on for years and the only way I think you can fix it is to leave it.


• I have given you as much support as I have been able to but as you haven’t left the situation I feel like I am enabling you to stay with him so I have to back away because I can’t support you being in an abusive situation anymore.


• if you are ever in a dangerous situation and need my help I will be there but I am not going to continue support or contact if this happens and you go back to him again.

This is hard as you will be loosing a friend who is important to you but people routinely lack insight into the way their relationships have the potential to poison the lives of other people around them. Its a really hard sad thing to do but it sounds like the only way you can help her is to stop acting like a crutch and propping her up against his abuse.

You can back off slowly. When you're sitting on the sofa and she calls, don't answer.

Mute her whatsapp so you can see her messages until you want to look at your phone.

It will take time for you but you will stop caring less about the drama. And she will find another outlet for the support she needs.

I also think you need to back off now, as hard as it is for her she is basically abusing your friendship as a result, and putting you through this drama.

but tell her, tell her that you can’t be privy to this anymore and wish her the best of luck but for all your sakes you now need to leave her to her choices.