To feel a failure

[Knarley]

I was reading a thread last night about SAHM’s and the impression I got was only mums with career’s carried on working. My son goes to nursery 2 days a week, I earn around £13k per year 2 days a week and feel like the worst mum in the world now. DH earns around £60k so we are comfortable, I feel I should have sacrificed and become a SAHM as my job isn’t amazing? Sorry if I am not making sense but I feel really guilty now. I thought I was showing my kids a good thing by me going out to earn money to.

You have a career. If you go out to work, you have one, whatever the salary.

Don't judge yourself by others' standards.

It makes me feel so bad when other mums say they wouldn’t ‘dream’ of putting young children in childcare.

I carried on working and earned less than you. You get a decent amount for 2 days and work isn't all about money. Having said that, if you want to be a sahp why not explore that option? I took a couple of years out and enjoyed it.

And also it seems like you have great balance there. No need to feel like a bad mum at all!

I wouldn't dream of not putting mine in. They're doing incredibly.
Don't listen to the people who are happy to make other choices to yours. They're not you.

@Knarley It makes me feel so bad when other mums say they wouldn’t ‘dream’ of putting young children in childcare.

That isn’t the view of most people as most women work and are not SAHMs.

Who says what is a career and what isn’t anyway?

Continue doing what you are doing if you are happy and don’t worry about what total randos on the internet say.

Who has said they wouldn't dream of putting dc in childcare? The overwhelming majority of mothers work op and I can't imagine they all have family to look after their children!

@girlmom21 thanks so much, so great to hear from the other side. I needed that.

I quit my job after DD was born. 18 months later, I applied for another job that was 1 day a week, just so I could get out of the house and do something for myself. Childcare did her a lot of good. My job has evolved and over 10 years later I work 3 days. I still don't see it as my career, I don't love it, but it pays bills and I haven't regretted it. You do what works for you! Childcare isn't evil. Those who say they couldn't put their children in nursery or "didn't have children so someone else could raise them", good for them, how nice to be in a position that you don't need to work. Childcare providers take care of your child, they don't raise them.

My friend is also constantly badgering on about how I won’t get this time back and how she is so superior that she has had all this time with her kids. What could I possibly be missing 2 days a week

Get a new friend OP.
Your so called friend should keep her opinions to herself.

Absolutely don't feel like a failure. I'm making the assumption you are working on those days your son goes to nursery so it's not like you are losing quality time with him. Everyone's situation is unique and there's no right or wrong here. If this was always your plan don't doubt yourself :)

I could be a SAHM if we wanted to (albeit with a somewhat pared down lifestyle) but I don't want to as I enjoy working, and I wouldn't be suited to being a stay at home parent in the first place. Nursery has been amazing for DD1, she's thrived there and having a balance of work and being at home with her means on the days I am at home, I am much more engaged and present.

It's entirely up to you, and it sounds like you have found a great balance that works for you all!

@Knarley I wouldn't compare my situation with anyone. Everyone chooses a different route and pathway and everyone is convinced their way is the right way.
The SAHM mum thread is awful 😂 I wouldn't base my feelings on posts on there - no one is a winner according to those threads!

Worst decision I ever made was to become a SAHM.

I had no particular passion for my job at the time, asked to go part-time but they wouldn't have it, so I resigned and looked forward to focusing full-time on my dc.

It was an absolute disaster for my mental health. And because my mental health suffered, my family also suffered.

When I returned to WOH I could only cope with volunteering one day a week, eventually got a job for two days a week, and only after 5 years was able to cope with full-time work. (It wasn't just my dc becoming older and more independent that enabled me to increase my hours.)

IMO absolutely hold on to your job. It doesn't matter that you earn a fraction of what your OH earns (I do, too, even full time). What matters is your sense of self and your mental health.

What children need is not the constant attention of their mother. What children need is love and security and the opportunity to learn independence. What children need is parents who have the mental and emotional energy to nurture them.

I couldn’t wait to go back to work! I’ve not gone back full time, my youngest is now 12, but I can’t imagine not working absolutely saves my sanity. And they loved nursery, was great for them. This sacrifices stuff isn’t healthy imo, do whatever you need to to keep everyone healthy, no need to sacrifice yourself for them.

i also think, even when they’re little, you need to have at the back of your mind that they are going to grow up and leave you, you need to keep a bit of your life for yourself I think because kids aren’t kids forever.

I used to compare myself to others, but I wished I didn't and I have learnt not to do this anymore as it's too draining , but that comes with age too I think.
Just do what your doing and stop worrying about other people!
I'm sure your doing really well and ignore the ones who are not supportive. They are really not worth it.

Your “friend” is the problem here. My bet is she feels a bit insecure about lack of job and so is trying to make herself feel better.

I’ve been a SAHM and a WOHM, both have their downsides and upsides. I actually think the kids benefited from the variety when I’ve been WOHM and they’ve had other people looking after them. On the other hand I did miss them and there were some things that never got done (but I was working long hours 4 days a week).

I’d love to work two days a week, it sounds ideal! But guess it has downsides too.

Don't listen to other people, OP. Tune into what is right for YOU. Keeping working can be so important for your mental health and feelings of self worth & competence. There is no need to sacrifice your work - you being happy is crucial for your family's happiness too - you'll be better mum if your needs are being met.

And don't worry about your little one - young children thrive in nursery and learn so much. They are lucky to have a mum like you.

I earn about 10k for 22.5 hours a week op. Husband earns similar to yours.
Work gives me routine, purpose, friends, and something other than being 'mum'. It's invaluable to me. I couldn't give a shit how much I earn. And kids thrive in childcare, they learn how to interact with other kids, get to play with other toys and generally make a total mess of themselves with activities I wouldn't be able to do at home.

I feel so much better, thanks so much honestly 💗 hate all this comparing of who is the better mum and who makes the right decisions. Maybe with age (I’m 33) 😂😂 I will learn to not give a shit.

The way I see it is that women who work full time, part time and stay at home all want opportunities and the best possible future for their kids. They want their daughters to be able to follow their dreams and be happy and fulfilled.

So how can someone say in the same breadth that as a mum we should forgo a career and devote ourselves entirely to our kids? It's fine if you want to do that, or if life allows you the privilege.

But when I was a baby and a little girl my mum dreamed that I would set my own goals and live a life that was my own. She wanted me to be happy. She was a SAHM but she wasn't happy. I'm living my life in the best way I can. We are mums but we are also individuals.

I work for myself and for my children. I even do it a little bit for my mum. That's my decision. If I decided I wanted to work solely as a SAHM that's fine too.

It's what we want for our daughters, so how can it also not be what we want for ourselves?

You do what is right for you. Nothing else matters.

I was a SAHM but I'd say it sounds like you've got a great balance.

I've done everything...working FT with nannies, PT with nurseries, childminders, SAHM etc

The key thing is to do what is right for YOU and YOUR family and sod everyone else. It just doesn't matter. If it works for you and your child and family unit are happy, don't listen to the noise generated by all the crap generated by the SAHM v WOHM threads.

Just make sure you are paying in to a pension, and keep some financial independence if you can.

I am paying Into a pension.