To feel a failure

[Knarley]

I was reading a thread last night about SAHM’s and the impression I got was only mums with career’s carried on working. My son goes to nursery 2 days a week, I earn around £13k per year 2 days a week and feel like the worst mum in the world now. DH earns around £60k so we are comfortable, I feel I should have sacrificed and become a SAHM as my job isn’t amazing? Sorry if I am not making sense but I feel really guilty now. I thought I was showing my kids a good thing by me going out to earn money to.

You're doing a good thing. Even if you don't love your job, the experience will help you so much later if you do decide to retrain. Your kids think you're great. I was so proud of my mum going out to work.

That makes no sense though, OP, because the question of whether you consider your job a 'career' or not does not have any effect on your child whatsoever. A child at nursery whose mother works X number of hours a week in a top career is going to have the same amount of time with their mother as a child whose mother works the same amount of hours in a 'just a job' type job.

The 'just a job' woman likely needs the money (and potentially the stimulation or independence) just as much as the career woman. That money is going to benefit the child too. And if things don't turn out well with the relationship, the mother may be glad of having remained in work.

That's not to say there's anything remotely wrong with being a SAHM if that's what works in a woman’s personal situation.

Good on you, OP.

I worked when my DC were small and for some years it wasn’t financially ‘worth it’ as my salary was crap and childcare was expensive. However, I needed to have something for me, away from domesticity, and I wanted to build more for our futures.

They’re teens now, I’m in my 40s and my career has flourished. My teens, especially DD, see their Mum has made sacrifices and worked hard and that it is paying off.

That’s because they want an excuse not to work. Children are not children forever, and you need to work and be independent and a good role model.

Are you saying you earn £13000 for working 2 days a week? That grosses up to about £30000 for full time work. That’s a pretty decent salary that more than covers nursery fees. Sounds like you have a good work/ life balance of looking after your DC whilst keeping your hand in with your career!

Well exactly, you spend 5 days out of 7 with your DC . The other 2 would be much the same!

When I worked full time with a baby in nursery I was told ' your not committed to your child'
That hurt a lot. People's comments do , especially when your young and doing your best whatever that set up might be.
It's sad that others have to bring people down like this in order to gain the upper hand.
I admire people who can shrug it off , it took me years to toughen up a lot and ignore it all

I think you should feel chuffed with yourself that you’re in the position you’re in! I worked with 2 young mums who did a job share 17.5 hours, 2.5 days each a week and thought that perfect. One used to leave her DC in nursery 3 days because a full day was not much dearer than a half day and that also gave her time to do stuff without a child in tow.

Unfortunately, I didn’t have that kind of option when I had DC as I had no possibility of part-time, worked unsocial hours and had a long commute so became a SAHM by default.

I have worked full time. Always. Ive hated it sometimes and sometimes its been great. And yes, if I was stupidly wealthy, I would not choose to work. But I am the sole money maker so I have no choice.

Working part time is a good balance. You can build up a pension, have some financial independence. Don't ever feel bad about wanting that balance.

I'd take the time to plot out how to earn more money in the future- but you are in work now which I think is good.

I think you've got the best of both worlds, @Knarley - you have your job/career/life outside the family, yet you get to spend lots of time with your little boy. Cast those worries and guilt aside!

I do think SAHMs can be a bit defensive sometimes and jibes can be a self-protective thing.

Also:
Any job has career potential . . . if that's what you want
You ARE setting a good example by working . . . because working is what you want to do, and your needs are important too
You're also keeping a foot in the workplace in case you do feel like going full-time as your DS gets older.

All good! Families work out what's best for them, and if this is best for you, then don't let any negative feelings creep in.

Yabu, jeez I've heard it all now! These mums you speak of are presumably being funded by their partner or the state to spend all this time not working. I really wouldn't worry about what they think, sounds like they have too much time on their hands if they're commenting on your life.

I couldn’t imagine NOT putting my son into nursery. The benefits more than outweigh any negatives (although I can’t think of any negatives).

I didn’t go to nursery, my mum was a SAHM and I honestly think that I would have benefitted from the socialisation aspect of nursery hugely. I was incredibly clingy and couldn’t even stay at a friend’s house until I was a teenager as I had separation anxiety. Nursery is fantastic for children’s confidence and independence, and helps children to thrive socially.

my mum was a SAHM and it had a negative impact on me, especially when I started school, it prompted me to make the decision I did, my kids seem to be doing really well too, it was helped my DS hugely as he was a covid baby.

Don’t be so hard on yourself!!
Being a working mom is a good role model for your children.

@Knarley how did your mother being a SAHM parent negatively impact on you?
I've been a SAH parent 'til now (not by choice), due to disability, and I'm the only SAH parent in my circle, so worried about how the stigma may affect my DC, as they start Reception in Sept...

the transition to school was really hard for me, I used to cry at the window all day because I had never known anything but my mum. This may not have been down to her being a SAHM but I feel it was.

You are setting a good example for your kids, maintaining a presence in the workplace which will stand you in good stead later on, and your DC get a chance to mix with other DC and develop social skills.

I would say you have a good balance here. Your job may not be amazing now but do you really need a stressful, full on job that saps all your energy or can that wait until later?

@SpeckofDustUponMySoul I have not come across any stigma towards SAHM, I reckon SAHM’a slate working mums off if anything. I would never dream of putting somebody down for the choices they have made but have been made to feel so guilty by my SAHM friend (the rest work) and obviously the thread I read last night mirrors what she thinks.

You are 100% doing the right thing. Should the worst happen and your DH loses his job/becomes unable to work/splits up with you, you will not be left high and dry having to find your way back into work with no recent experience.

I put DC in nursery at four and five months and went back to work pt. I didn't even have to work. I could have become a SAHM but simply didn't want to.
DC are now 19 and 17 and I never have a moments regret. I Chose not to climb the career ladder either, but I preserved my sanity when DC were young and my pension looks great.

Just remember that the vast majority of mothers are doing what’s best for their families at the time. You get the odd opinionated gobshite (well, more than the odd one on MN 😂) who rant on about how all mothers must / must not work, but I’ve found in real life mothers are much more respectful of other’s situations. I’ve been a part-time WOHM, a SAHM and am currently a full-time WOHM, and throughout have had friends in all situations; there’s been no judgment, just support and bonding based on the common ground of parenting young children.

Tell your “friend” to mind her own business, and instantly hide any MN WOHM vs SAHM threads that you come across as they’re all batshit. That would be my advice!

I think most mother's have to work now. Even if I didn't have to I can't imagine not working. My job is not a 'career' but it's a job and it's mine. It gives me independence and adult conversation. I think my boys have done fine being in nursery from a young age. I don't feel I've missed out by working part time and your child won't have any memories of these years.

Agree too.

Also worth remembering that not every SAHM has a choice. I read once that something like 70% of mothers of children with disabilities and SN are unable to WOH because they are unable to find appropriate childcare and/or full-time school places for their children. I have a child with SN and consider myself lucky that he copes well enough in mainstream school and wrap-around-care for me to be able to work FT.