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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Aibu to not let my 8 year old play on the road any longer as she's beimg excluded?

45 replies

Myname23 · 27/07/2022 07:32

I'm working from home (self employed) dd played out in the road with one girl a year younger than her now this child has made friends with other neighbours & they won't include dd, when she comes into the toilet they run away & hide on her... Leave her on her own while they go for "private chats".. Their parents are absolutely not approachable.
Will arranging playdates for dd next week here but aibu to not let her play out? She has older siblings so she's being playing lego, playing with her dog & kitten in the garden & reading & crafting loads...

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 27/07/2022 07:33

Yes, keep her in so they have to find someone else to be unkind to.

Dotcheck · 27/07/2022 07:36

I would let her decide if she wants to keep playing out

Original poster
Myname23 · 27/07/2022 07:37

KangarooKenny · 27/07/2022 07:33

Yes, keep her in so they have to find someone else to be unkind to.

She's doing a art camp this week & gymnastics next week from 10-2 so by the time she is home & has had lunch a nice chunk of the day is gone... One of the girls has called for her twice but I've said she's too tired after camp, what usually happens is she plays lovely with this girl then when the others appear she's dropped like a hot snot so nipping in the bud now..

OP posts:
MichelleScarn · 27/07/2022 07:40

I'd keep her in too and find nice things to do, this original girl seems to be treating her like a fill in friend .

AlwaysLatte · 27/07/2022 07:45

Play in the road??

Lordylord1 · 27/07/2022 07:46

Keep her busy as you said, but I’d try it again soon if she wants. Unfortunately Groups of girls are like this and she needs to see it’s just temporary. I would validate her feelings but not make too big a deal of it

Original poster
Myname23 · 27/07/2022 07:46

@MichelleScarn that's an excellent way of describing it.. There are no boys on the road of a similar age, I'd say if there the situation would be different.. I can't get over how children so young can be so manipulative & openly hostile towards her... She has never done anything to upset them, always brings out her toys (which they comendeer), shares treats with all... She's happy to stay in now & looking forward to the playdates & is really enjoying her camps.

OP posts:
Original poster
Myname23 · 27/07/2022 07:47

On the footpath!!!! Not on the road!

OP posts:
Youaremysunshine14 · 27/07/2022 07:48

Does she want to stay inside? I would only do that if it's what she wants, otherwise it might feel to her as though she's being punished on top of being excluded and that you think her being left out is somehow her fault. Plus you're not giving her the chance to deal with the issue herself – you won't help her fighting her battles for her. I'd keep stressing that what the other girl is doing is mean behaviour and it's better not to be friends with someone who treats you like that and let her make up her own mind.

Baconking · 27/07/2022 07:52

Did you ask this same question a few says ago?

Original poster
Myname23 · 27/07/2022 07:55

Baconking · 27/07/2022 07:52

Did you ask this same question a few says ago?

Yes I did on chat but thought I'd get more responses on here if that's OK? ... Quite upset by the situation & I want to do the right thing for my little girl.

OP posts:
TheYearOfSmallThings · 27/07/2022 07:55

She has never done anything to upset them, always brings out her toys (which they comendeer), shares treats with all...

Is it possible they see her as too eager to please, and a pushover? She might get on better with them if she doesn't offer too much or be too good natured with them.

Original poster
Myname23 · 27/07/2022 07:58

Youaremysunshine14 · 27/07/2022 07:48

Does she want to stay inside? I would only do that if it's what she wants, otherwise it might feel to her as though she's being punished on top of being excluded and that you think her being left out is somehow her fault. Plus you're not giving her the chance to deal with the issue herself – you won't help her fighting her battles for her. I'd keep stressing that what the other girl is doing is mean behaviour and it's better not to be friends with someone who treats you like that and let her make up her own mind.

I observed for a couple of hours over the weekend, they were running away on her, not letting her in their front garden, whispering about her & singing songs at her.. She had noone else & she can't force them to include her.. I read on another thread if she removes herself from the situation she's removing their power which is a great way of looking at it!

OP posts:
demotedreally · 27/07/2022 08:01

I think you've had this answered before. They
answers were surely enough. They weren't unhelpful

Baconking · 27/07/2022 08:05

I thought you received plenty of helpful answers on the previous thread.

I think this is bothering you more than your DD and it is going to become a bigger issue for her if you are worrying and stressing about it.
Children don't need to play on the road. If she's happy staying in, let her stay in

Original poster
Myname23 · 27/07/2022 08:06

Yes I have had it answered on chat, I'd just like to discuss further if that's OK?

OP posts:
Baconking · 27/07/2022 08:10

'I observed for a couple of hours over the weekend'

This is over the top! Spying on kids playing.
Keep her home and let the other kids on the road get on with it!

Seashor · 27/07/2022 08:11

If this was happening at school you’d want an adult to address it. At home you are that adult so the next time the other girl knocks for her let her know why your daughter isn’t going to come out to play.
“Do you remember last time she played with you you hid from her? That’s not a kind game so today she’s playing at home.”

You are not being unkind, you’re actually supporting her in understanding the consequences of her actions and helping her to address it. Children find it hard to see it from another viewpoint.
I would definitely do what you’re doing though and not let her out to ‘play’ with them.

Original poster
Myname23 · 27/07/2022 08:14

Baconking · 27/07/2022 08:10

'I observed for a couple of hours over the weekend'

This is over the top! Spying on kids playing.
Keep her home and let the other kids on the road get on with it!

Not spying, it's keeping an eye on my child.. If the other parents had been doing the same maybe their children would be told to be kinder & more inclusive.. Also I always keep an eye on my child on the road she's only 8!

OP posts:
Baconking · 27/07/2022 08:34

So you are sitting watching and the other kids are mean to her right in front of you and you don't say anything?

DrinkFeckArseBrick · 27/07/2022 08:45

I agree with PP

See what your daughter wants to do

When they come calling again say to the child that your daughter isnt coming out because last time you saw them sing songs, wouldn't let her in their garden and ran away from her and she is bored of being friends with someone that bullies her when another friend joins. And maybe she will come out to play again soon if she changes how they act towards her

Kanaloa · 27/07/2022 08:50

I would say she can stay in but I wouldn’t be glossing over it to the other girls. If they knocked on I’d say ‘you were running off and hiding when she tried to play with you - why would she want to come out to have you be unkind to her? No, she’ll keep her toys inside.’

I’d also explain to your dd ‘why did you let those girls be mean to you for all that time?’ And help her with some strategies if someone is being horrible to her. Otherwise she might feel she has to tolerate it.

And I really wouldn’t agree with others saying you ‘shouldn’t fight her battles’ and should just let her tolerate this treatment. Agree with a pp saying if this happened in school you’d of course want something done about it. So why would you allow it when your child is playing out?

maddening · 27/07/2022 08:55

Baconking · 27/07/2022 08:10

'I observed for a couple of hours over the weekend'

This is over the top! Spying on kids playing.
Keep her home and let the other kids on the road get on with it!

No, observing kids behavior is not over the top or spying, don't be ridiculous

JassyRadlett · 27/07/2022 08:56

Baconking · 27/07/2022 08:10

'I observed for a couple of hours over the weekend'

This is over the top! Spying on kids playing.
Keep her home and let the other kids on the road get on with it!

Jesus wept. The kid is 8. This is appropriate supervision, not spying.

We supervise our kids partly so we can make sure kids are supported in dealing with issues like this.

easyday · 27/07/2022 09:53

It would be a shame to lose the friendship of one of the girls. Is there a more or less set time the other girls show up? Maybe you can engineer it to be the same time you need her in to help with something or other.
Or take a frank approach and tell the girl it's upsetting that she goes and plays with the others as soon as they show up .