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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Aibu to not let my 8 year old play on the road any longer as she's beimg excluded?

45 replies

Myname23 · 27/07/2022 07:32

I'm working from home (self employed) dd played out in the road with one girl a year younger than her now this child has made friends with other neighbours & they won't include dd, when she comes into the toilet they run away & hide on her... Leave her on her own while they go for "private chats".. Their parents are absolutely not approachable.
Will arranging playdates for dd next week here but aibu to not let her play out? She has older siblings so she's being playing lego, playing with her dog & kitten in the garden & reading & crafting loads...

OP posts:

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 27/07/2022 10:06

Aw that’s really crappy for her! Your poor DD. Yes I’d be encouraging playing indoors and keeping away from these kids.

Vikinga · 27/07/2022 10:11

When the girl comes calling for her I would speak to her and say that you have seen that when the other friend joins that you don't treat DD very nice and that is not fair. Depending on what she says, she may not realise or she may find it difficult if this other girl is the leader, I'd let her out or not. Alternatively, invite the girl to play in your home.

ihavenocats · 27/07/2022 10:12

AlwaysLatte · 27/07/2022 07:45

Play in the road??

Just means playing out with the children who live on the same road but playing in each other's fronts and the pavement. We say it here too although our children do not play in the road where cars go.

Original poster

Myname23 · 27/07/2022 10:28

Baconking · 27/07/2022 08:34

So you are sitting watching and the other kids are mean to her right in front of you and you don't say anything?

@Baconking I wanted to see if it was all one sided & if my daughter was giving them any reason to justify their behaviour & also how she dealt with herself.. I wanted to get the full picture!

OP posts:

WTF475878237NC · 27/07/2022 10:29

Why not just continue the conversation on your existing (current) thread?

Original poster

Myname23 · 27/07/2022 10:31

easyday · 27/07/2022 09:53

It would be a shame to lose the friendship of one of the girls. Is there a more or less set time the other girls show up? Maybe you can engineer it to be the same time you need her in to help with something or other.
Or take a frank approach and tell the girl it's upsetting that she goes and plays with the others as soon as they show up .

I had tried this strategy last week & the minute the other girls came out dd was dropped by this girl😢

OP posts:

5foot5 · 27/07/2022 11:06

I can't get over how children so young can be so manipulative & openly hostile towards her..

Really? Yes it seems a bit unkind when it happens to you or your child but this is not unusual behaviour among children. Are you saying this never happened to you or in your circle of friends when you were a child?

I can certainly remember this being a familiar pattern when I was that age. I may even have done it myself unwittingly, e.g. being so excited that my cousins had come to stay that I didn't call on my usual friend once while they were there but then expected her to be happy to come out and play when the cousins had gone home.

I have also been the "fill in" friend on one occasion then come home upset when I was told I wasn't wanted anymore. I think my Mum's response was that you learn who your real friends are.

Let your DD decide if she wants to play out or not. I think at 8 she is old enough to work this sort of thing out for herself.

Bunty55 · 27/07/2022 11:10

If she were my child I would find better friends for her to play with. Full stop.

crazeekat · 27/07/2022 11:18

My daughter was in same situation they would come up to my garden and shout at her thru the fence, I eventually lost the plot and banged every parent door at the same time and had a screaming match, the kids were crying not cos they were bullying or being called bully's by me but cos they were scared to get in trouble. Some kids are just little shits and do what they have to to be in the gang. Not anything is your daughters fault. This happens everywhere. My story, two parents spoke to there kids, the other I don't speak to at all, just couldn't see their dd was a bully and said she just goes along with the group. Just as bad in my eyes. Don't let her play with them, she's a soft target and they are taking pleasure from picking on her, hard but keep her away or get ur other kids to go out with her for a while so they know she's not at any time has no back up.

MakeItRain · 27/07/2022 11:27

I think rather than get too involved with speaking to the other children (because it's better to speak to their parents really if you want to say anything about whats been gking on), I would just be really clear to your dd that what they're doing is really unkind and not what a good friend does. You don't have to labour the point, just be really clear. Tell her she doesn't have to play with people who are unkind and that you'll arrange for different friends to come over. (Which I know you're doing - just be really clear with your dd why you're doing it.)

If the other girl knocks I would just say something along the lines of "She has other friends coming over to play, she's not playing out at the moment."

I think it really helps when your child hears from you that someone is being unkind and that they have a choice about putting up with it. Sounds like your dd is happy to stay in and looking forward to seeing other friends, so that's good.

Original poster

Myname23 · 27/07/2022 11:34

Appreciate the replies again thank you. She's never had issues at school before (well none she's told me about) & the teachers she's had always said she includes everyone, is kind, gentle & compasssionate..

OP posts:

Dixiechickonhols · 27/07/2022 11:37

You do seem to be taking it quite personally. If your dd doesn’t want to play that’s fine but maybe she does. The danger with you saying no all time is they never call for her. Some groups are not a good dynamic together but 1-1 may be fine. I wouldn’t get hung up on second choice thing they may still have fun together. I’d encourage your daughter not to tolerate being mean so if they run off just come in. Camps sound a good idea to fill her time then if she doesn’t want to play it’s not a big deal.

Original poster

Myname23 · 27/07/2022 11:42

Yes she plays with one of the girls great one on one however as I said upthread the second the others arrive the first girl drops her every time...

OP posts:

JustLyra · 27/07/2022 11:47

You need to let her decide what she wants to do

If she wants to keep playing then let her, but support in her talking about their behaviour.

I’ve found it far better to let my kids come to their own decision to stop playing with someone mean to them. They all have far better boundaries now than I ever did at their ages and deal with things quicker and better than I did.

Dixiechickonhols · 27/07/2022 12:06

Maybe talk about ways to deal if friend drops her as soon as other girl arrives. Eg be upfront. - yes I’ll play but I want to keep playing even if ‘Katie’ comes out. Or as soon as ‘Katie’ comes your dd knows to say bye I have to go now and come in etc. She’s only 8 and sounds like others are younger so very much navigating friendships.
I know it’s hard but DD needs to deal herself as much as possible.

Sally872 · 27/07/2022 12:14

I wouldn't keep her in. I would probably encourage her to stay in and do something if the other children are unkind.

SpiderVersed · 27/07/2022 12:17

YABU to start two threads in a week about the same thing.

Let her negotiate her own friendships. If she wants to play outside, let her, and if she’s happier inside, that’s fine too. You can’t police the behaviour of neighbouring children and you’ll drive yourself mad thinking about it.

Just be more hands off, but there to support her if she’s upset.

Gandalflight · 27/07/2022 12:29

Oh no, keep her away from them. I experienced the same situation and as a child you can't set your foot down, but just suffer. When my mother decided I shouldn't play with our next door neighbour's daughter, after similar incidents, I felt relieved. It also, funnily enough, gave my self-confidence a boost that my mother felt I was too good to be treated like this.

PrixChoc · 27/07/2022 12:29

I would have to say IME this is fairly standard behaviour in girl friendship groups at this age. With the obvious disclaimer that not all girls behave like this before anyone jumps on me. Ut it is common.

However also IME the "excluded" child will change depending on the day/mood/whatever so most of the group will be at the receiving end of this type of behaviour at some point.

So based on this I would let your child make the decision if they want to play out, with reminders that they don't have to put up with mean behaviour and should walk away if it's getting too much.

However, if you can honestly say your child is the only one being excluded, it is persistent, and is she unable to stick up for themselves or walk away (some children or more gullible or vulnerable than others) then you should step in.

Sunnysideup · 27/07/2022 12:30

I think they key issue here is both you and your daughters failure to deal with this pair. You need to help your daughter have boundaries that when they do the first mean thing she just comes in immediately.

you should have also acted instead of posting multiple threads and sitting watching them being mean.

You need to be able to manage appropriately and help her to. It’s not about not letting her out, it’s about helping her develop boundaries where she decides if she wants to go out and she walks away when they do the wrong thing.

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