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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask why you had a third DC and if you have enough time to cope?

46 replies

lydiangel83 · 27/07/2022 06:46

Genuinely curious why if you have two healthy children (ie a sibling for DC1) you would go on to have more? What helped you make the decision? No haters pls. Do you feel that your children get enough time, resources and attention from you? Do you regret or are you happy with the change from 2 to 3?

OP posts:
Sometimeswinning · 27/07/2022 07:19

I found it the hardest change going from 2 to 3. Baby being dragged along on everything school runs, clubs, parks (that was always tough)

Now they are older it's perfect and I couldnt imagine not being a family of 5! My youngest gets most of the attention in the holidays now. Plus my husband and I have each others backs (not always when it comes to discipline!!) But when it comes to one of ours needing 1 to 1 time it's easily sorted.

georgarina · 27/07/2022 07:24

I'm pregnant with no3.
0-1 was hard.
1-2 was v easy.
So we'll see!

MolliciousIntent · 27/07/2022 07:30

Absolutely not.

I've been blessed with two healthy daughters and the thought of a 3rd leaves me utterly cold! Lots of reasons...

  1. More children than hands. No thank you!
  2. Extra pressure on the planet, exceeding the replacement rate.
  3. Harder to give each child individual attention as you're outnumbered.
  4. Risks of child 3 having significant additional needs that place strain on the family and negatively impact the existing children.
  5. Financial impact of raising another child - nursery fees etc.
  6. Additional costs of having a family of 5 when most things are tailored to 2 adults 2 kids.
  7. Would need a bigger house and bigger car.
  8. Much higher likelihood of career suffering from 3rd mat leave, time off for kids etc.
Makeitwork44 · 27/07/2022 07:30

How old are yours @Sometimeswinning

I always think I have left the age gap too big to have a 3rd - but I know bigger gaps work for many

MolliciousIntent · 27/07/2022 07:31

Shit sorry I misread your OP - my experience is not relevant, plz ignore!

TheGirlWhoLived · 27/07/2022 07:34

I’ve got dd11, dd8 and ds18mo… the dynamic is JUST starting to work now, we are tipping the balance between getting through each day to everyone enjoying each other’s company.

the large age gap would work better if my other children were in any way self sufficient! Eldest made a squash the other day and came looking
for a medal.

it is quite nice that it’s keeping the eldest young as she is starting to feel like she doesn’t want to go on parks, or dance at the disco but she will happily take the toddler up and chase him round!

the first couple of years were just Hard

Harridan1981 · 27/07/2022 07:35

A suprise pregnancy despite having a coil fitted here 😬

So we have two close together with less than 2 years between. Then about 5.5 yrs to #3.

#3 is now nearly 5 and the age gap is more obvious and in my darkest moments I mutter about how if we didn't have them we would be on easy street by now. But overall he is utterly adored and a real joy to the family. A very different character to the other two, in part because he has been in nursery since just before 2 whereas the other two didn't go at all.

Do I feel overwhelmed? Can't cope? No not at all. They all get 1-1 time at different points. We are fortunate that our working patterns and life set up allows us to be around a lot, we have a decent sized house etc.

Louise0701 · 27/07/2022 07:35

I have 3. We had a 3rd because that’s what we wanted.
Yes; all our children get 1-1 time, clubs, help with homework for eldest, all 3 read to every day without fail. They all have their own bedroom and DD, who is the eldest, has an en suite. No regrets and now pregnant with number 4 who will also have all the above.

Mochatatts · 27/07/2022 07:41

I always wanted 3. My exh had 2 children already so we stopped at 2. Then we separated. My OH has 2 children but we decided we wanted a child together. Our 4 boys were 13, 11 and 9 when she was born. She adores her brothers and they're all happy to entertain her as and when it suits them. Differing levels of self sufficiency between them but it's good generally. Busy and organised but good. If we could afford it and we're 5 years younger we'd be having another.

Sometimeswinning · 27/07/2022 07:47

Makeitwork44 · 27/07/2022 07:30

How old are yours @Sometimeswinning

I always think I have left the age gap too big to have a 3rd - but I know bigger gaps work for many

11, 10 and 5! The older 2 were really helpful and enjoyed having a baby sister, it's pretty much even on the siblings and annoying each other now.

I hate to say it as I'm sure I'll be judged on mumsnet but I love the fact that I still have a child to hang out with. Older 2 hang around with friends more independently. The younger one still needs me to organise park dates and has to come shopping with me etc. I enjoy every bit of it!!

ItsDangerousInKingsmarkham · 27/07/2022 07:55

We have 3. 3rd was a surprise and my pregnancy was hell as I tied myself in knots thinking I had ruined my life, was single handedly responsible for climate change... Etc.

Honestly, it's been wonderful. Yes, we have our hands full but our house is full of love and happiness, noise, chaos, toys. It's brought out a lovely side of the older two who absolutely adore the baby. I have to pinch myself some days that I have 3 children (struggled with infertility for 5 years before the first baby).

It's not for everyone and sometimes it's definitely a bit easier to have fewer children to contend with, but I think if you have the space, energy and money to raise a third it can be great.

It partly depends on your partner - mine has a tough job and long hours so is not physically present but is very supportive of me in other ways and is generally an easy going sort who doesn't mind the chaos.

Alittlenonsensenowandthen · 27/07/2022 08:02

I had twins first so despite having two I wanted a second baby (even though it was third ifyswim!). Three is chaotic, fun, but definitely harder.

Thesearmsofmine · 27/07/2022 08:10

I have 3 because we wanted another. I would have had more but unfortunately not possible.

For me going from 2 to 3 was pretty easy, number 3 just slotted into our family, he is.6 now and the apple of everyone’s eye. My children get loads of time and input from me, I am a SAHM and home ed so we have plenty of time to be together. We make sure they get the chance to have individual time with us and they do their own clubs/activities and have their own interests but they also get on really well together for the most part. Of course sometimes they will bicker but that’s normal and it generally is quickly forgotten about.

acornpattern · 27/07/2022 08:15

My sister has three and she always seemed so stressed when I was younger and they just never got along well, they were always fighting and crying. I decided I would only have 1 or 2 because of it and I now have 2 and no plans for any more. I see other families who seem very happy and laid back with 3 though so perhaps it was just my sister!

Harridan1981 · 27/07/2022 08:22

I should add that prior to kids we had wanted 3 or 4. DH is one of 4 and I am one of 2. DHS family always seemed 'fuller' than mine, more help with aging parents etc.

So while #3 wasn't planned and we may not have decided to have 3 intentionally when the time came, we weren't blown out of the water by the idea.

Lots of families in our circle have 3 or 4, so it isn't unusual.

InChocolateWeTrust · 27/07/2022 08:29

If everything had gone smoothly I would have liked 3 or 4.

But I ended up with a bigger gap between 1 & 2 than planned and number 2 was a complicated pregnancy plus DC has had a few medical issues. I'm likely to get the same pregnancy problems again if I risk a third, and we've decided we are happy with the two we have. It helps that the two we have get along really well.

cecilthehungryspider · 27/07/2022 08:36

We have 3 because we wanted to. I had an overwhelming feeling that there was someone missing from the family. Once I had #3 I never felt that way again and knew we were done.

I have no regrets about having 3 but do always warn people that it does make life very busy. It's not half as much effort again as having 2 (which you might expect) it's more like double the effort of having 2.

Also, you can't assume that all your children will be fit and healthy. Subsequent to the arrival of #3 we've had multiple diagnoses of health problems/disabilities. We have coped, largely because DH earns enough that I have been able to stop work for a while to get us through difficult times. If he didn't earn as much, or if we were separated, then it all would have been very much harder.

Ellyfinsmum · 27/07/2022 08:43

I had a third because I felt someone was missing from our family when we were a 4. Maybe because I am one of 3. DH is one of 2 and always felt his family was a bit too quiet and conventional. We both like the idea of a big, busy household. We are very fortunate that we have a big enough house for them to each have a bedroom, enough space to play, I don’t work so have plenty of time for all of them.

DD is 3 months old and we all adore her. It’s been really lovely as my first 2 are very close in age so don’t remember a time without each other and they are really enjoying having a baby in the family and are so sweet with her.

MrsDrDear · 27/07/2022 08:44

I was the middle child of 3.
There was a feeling of being overshadowed by the 'first born wonder child' and the 'baby of the family'.
Luckily it made me super independent.

I don't think anyone ever thinks about that when deciding on a 3rd.

britespark1 · 27/07/2022 08:45

It’s hard not to feel offended at the tone of this OP as people don’t have to justify their life choices to anyone else…….

We have 3 DC aged 11, 10 and 9 and I wouldn’t change it for the world. Youngest DC was indeed a surprise (contraception failed) but we believe we do our best for the 3 of them. They are certainly not hard done to! We make sure we spend 1-1 with each of them. I am super organised though and alway have been so that helps and we were also very lucky with help from relatives when they were very tiny. Also as one of three myself (as is my DH) it doesn’t exactly feel like a weird scenario!

Ragwort · 27/07/2022 08:48

Mrs - a very good point, I am the eldest of three and your description sounds absolutely right.

SleepingStandingUp · 27/07/2022 08:49

I had three because in the second pregnancy the egg split. It's chaos but not helped by them being pandemic babies.

Thing is OP you talk about 2nd as an appendage of 1. Had one baby, it needed a play friend so we have it a sibling. So yes your duty is done. If you just see it in terms of liking kids, wanting kids, being able to cope with kids, you end up with more

junebirthdaygirl · 27/07/2022 08:52

We had three as didn't feel l was finished until he arrived and felt quite at peace then not to have any more.The oldest was 5 when dc3 arrived so in school. We could afford it and had plenty of space in our home. I come from a very big family and we are all close and hugely supportive of each other so having 3 didn't seem like a big family to me. I took a career break while dc were young and luckily was able to slot back into my career when dc3 started school. I breastfed all three and had lots of time for reading/ clubs etc. But l am a teacher so school holidays were easy and my day was shorter. I think for anyone working long hours with shorter holidays it is a different story. Also l think as a teacher you are so used to looking after big gangs of children looking after 3 while out and about or just generally, wasn't an issue. Now they are all grown and l am delighted we had the three.

chopc · 27/07/2022 09:04

@lydiangel83 2 is the ideal number of kids but selfishly we wanted a bigger family. Would have continued after 3 if I hadn't had a shitty pregnancy and 3x CS

Oneborneverydecade · 27/07/2022 09:07

We have 3 with large age gaps; they're currently 15, 10 and 4. Our youngest was a surprise but we were thrilled as she came after a difficult loss and I had given up hope of a girl. Any difficulties now are due to my age (definitely more tired) and the age gaps, rather than there being 3.

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