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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To ask why you had a third DC and if you have enough time to cope?

46 replies

lydiangel83 · 27/07/2022 06:46

Genuinely curious why if you have two healthy children (ie a sibling for DC1) you would go on to have more? What helped you make the decision? No haters pls. Do you feel that your children get enough time, resources and attention from you? Do you regret or are you happy with the change from 2 to 3?

OP posts:
JaninaDuszejko · 27/07/2022 09:21

We have 3DC, now 14, 13 and 10. I was one of 4 and DH was one of 3, having 2 was never an option, 3 was the minimum I would consider but after DC3 we felt finished. I personally think larger families are better for the children, sibling relationships are so important across your entire life, there's less pressure from the parents when growing up, they get more space to be themselves and develop their independence (DC1 started school with some children who couldn't dress themselves because their over attentive parents always did it!) and there isn't the same tendency in the family to label them as e.g. 'the pretty one and the clever one' as there is in small families. Interestingly the children we know from larger families coped better with lockdown than those from small families, presumably because they still had plenty of social interaction with their siblings at home. We do have plenty of money and a large house and DH and I both worked PT when the DC were younger so I don't think they suffered from lack of time or resources. An only child with 2 parents in FT demanding jobs with long commutes and living in a tiny flat will have less time and resources than my 3DC, it's not just about the numbers of children.

Sometimeswinning · 27/07/2022 09:22

@britespark1 I think the op has another thread going re being pregnant with a third and not sure what to do.

Louise0701 · 27/07/2022 09:23

@MrsDrDear this definitely depends on your parents. I’m the middle of 3 and never, ever felt this way. Growing up as a 3 was amazing for me and my siblings.

whosaidtha · 27/07/2022 10:52

We are three. Dc3 is 4months and so far has been the easiest transition. I found 0-1 pretty easy too. But 1-2 was sooo hard. Might be the nature of the kids though as my middle is a whirlwind.
We had a third because we wanted a third. We have a slightly bigger gap between 2& 3 than I would have liked because I had two miscarriages. So mine are 6, 4 and 4months.

lydiangel83 · 27/07/2022 10:57

No offence intended at all I was just genuinely curious and don’t have anyone to ask in real life

OP posts:
LightandMomentary · 27/07/2022 10:58

Randomly I've just said on another thread the reason for our 3rd. DH and I always wanted 2, but when we had 2 we felt as if there was someone missing. Huge nagging hole and it turned out to be our DD2. Flipping hard work for the first year and then pretty OK after that. Lovely once they're all past the nappies and car seats stage. Ours have 2 years between each.

lydiangel83 · 27/07/2022 11:00

Good point thanks - didn’t mean it to sound like that but I think that’s how I do feel

OP posts:
Sceptre86 · 27/07/2022 11:01

I had a girl and a boy and thought I was done as I had complications after ds's birth. Dd1 though started praying for a sister, not just one night but every night and asking for one. Dh always wanted at least 3 and was encouraged. I felt broody holding his cousin's newborn and thought I could do it again so did. Dd2 is the easiest baby out of my three, she slept through from 3 months. She does have reflux which has been a challenge and is more clingy that my older two. The third pregnancy was very hard though as I was quite ill at the end. We have no family support but my dh is great and his work are flexible so he did take time off when I wss poorly.

My dh is an equal partner though and as good a parent as me, if he wasn't I wouldn't have had a 3rd. We are outnumbered now and if he wasn't on board I wouldn't be able to give them all re with me on their own. As it is we've got quite a good system at the moment but no doubt there will be changes as baby gets older, I go back to work etc. I am one of four so three kids to me really isn't a lot.

Itsveryclear · 27/07/2022 11:05

MrsDrDear · 27/07/2022 08:44

I was the middle child of 3.
There was a feeling of being overshadowed by the 'first born wonder child' and the 'baby of the family'.
Luckily it made me super independent.

I don't think anyone ever thinks about that when deciding on a 3rd.

That's why I had 4 😜But seriously, it doesn't have to be like that. It's up to you how you parent surely?!

Sceptre86 · 27/07/2022 11:06

Mine are 6,5 and 10 months.

Harridan1981 · 27/07/2022 11:07

I think everyone thinks about that when they have a third. It is such a common conversation when someone says they are having a third child.

SuseB · 27/07/2022 11:11

I have DD16, DS14 and DD11 - would never have thought I'd have three, I didn't want any children at all for ages! But after DC2 when we'd really settled in to parenthood, we felt there was room in our lives and our budget for another. We had a caveat that if it didn't happen fairly quickly we would abandon the attempt, the older two are close together in age (21mths) and we didn't want a big gap between them and the third. That was partly a practical decision (we had all the stuff, had the house set up for kids, and were in the 'small children' phase already). Now they are older they are expensive (holidays, music lessons, trips etc) but we can just about afford it and are lucky to get help from grandparents with activity costs. We were happy to embrace the chaos having a third brings, and went into it eyes open about cars, hotel rooms, family tickets and things that make being a larger family more difficult. We love it and wouldn't change a thing.

MassiveSalad22 · 27/07/2022 11:12

DC3 is almost 4 months old. Older 2 are 4 and 7. Took a long time to decide whether to go for number 3. This summer holiday is going ok so far, I make sure I have 1:1 each day with each kid. In sept both older ones will be at school which will be great and much calmer. Went for a third in the end because the desperation was not going, we wanted a big bustling family and the weight of the climate my are crisis cannot fall solely on my shoulders 😄 am 100% done now! And have multiple friends with 1 or no kids so it balances itself out really (and anything I do re climate is a drop in the ocean and countries really need to step up, not me).

MassiveSalad22 · 27/07/2022 11:12

Sorry typos!

MassiveSalad22 · 27/07/2022 11:15

Oh also 2 felt way too easy and cookie cutter 😄 and I have definitely reached capacity now! Loving it overall and the older ones are obsessed. Friend has 4,2 and newborn and that sounds mad to me to be honest 😄

FourTeaFallOut · 27/07/2022 11:19

We have three. I always wanted three and I do love the shape of our family and the ratio of calm to busy-ness. We do have a decent gap between ds2 and ds3 though as it took a few more years to be confident that our finances were moving in the right direction and we had enough time and energy to absorb the extra required.

I think to get the best out of a larger family you need two family orientated parents, an easy-going personality and a washing machine with a fucking enormous drum.

Steelesauce · 27/07/2022 11:33

I had an accidental 3rd pregnancy then miscarried so to fill the hole of the miscarriage I got pregnant straight away. Honestly, it was a mistake however she's here and I adore her. It tipped the balance and I ended up a lone parent of 3 but I wouldn't change having 3 now, no matter how difficult.

gwenneh · 27/07/2022 12:04

We have three because we wanted three. One's in secondary, one's in primary, and one's in nursery.

Yes, our children get enough time, attention, and resources from us. We don't struggle with time; we both have well-paid jobs and are progressed enough in our careers to have had more flexible schedules even prior to the pandemic. I don't find it difficult to give each child individual attention. They all have different personalities and get individual attention at different times, from both DH and from me. Same with money, we knew that our expenses would increase and we were prepared.

We needed a larger car, and there are nursery fees for now, but we had room for those things so it wasn't really a consideration, more of a fact and an adjustment on my budget spreadsheet. As it turned out, the pandemic made things easier -- shorter commutes (or no commute) meant fewer hours at nursery and no more need for wraparound care so it's much cheaper. I'm not spending those hours on a train now, I'm spending them with the DC. DH does the school runs and nursery dropoff now. I'm home before 5 pm. It's terrific.

We didn't need a bigger house. We rearranged the layout a bit so everyone got their own bedroom (and DH and I get our own bath!) and while we certainly looked at larger properties, neither of us are keen to buy while everything is overpriced.

Now that DC3 is here, the family feels "complete". There's a rightness about it that's difficult to describe. That's not to say there aren't chaotic moments, but they pass, and things settle.

RamblingEclectic · 27/07/2022 12:08

Cause I could, was happy to do so, and had no major barriers. I'm a why not? sort of person. The only thing I would suggest for your health is if possible getting a nutritional blood panel as pregnancies compound nutritional issues, and multiple pregnancies can make it a lot worse and take a lot longer to get out of.

I didn't have children to give my first child siblings. They were born because their father and I had discussed and desired a larger family. Their health and conditions didn't have much of an impact on our family planning. I imagine if they had significantly more complex needs or if my health had declined more, I likely would have called time sooner, but that sort of thing can happen or become visible at any time. I knew my oldest had additional needs before having my second, but they weren't entirely known until after my fourth, my third was visibly disabled from birth and spent four years with a lot of issues, but manages it very well now, and I had a health collapse a couple years after having my youngest.

Yes, generally they get enough. Time and attention particularly, my husband and I put our work and projects largely around out family, money can be tight at times.

No regrets for my 3rd or 4th, I found 1 to 2 more a change than 2 to 3, though I do have moments a previous poster discussed where I have thoughts on if I'd stopped at 2, I'd be nearly done now, and if I'd stopped at 3, then I wouldn't still be dealing with primary shite while handling college and nearly an adult prep, but they're fleeting. The only thing I could say I truly regret/would have done differently is tracking my own health more.

NomiMacaroni · 12/03/2023 01:41

I'm pregnant with no 3 and I'm really excited. We spaced our kids so I could have one on one time with each of them. I'm a SAHM.

georgarina · 12/03/2023 13:35

@RamblingEclectic can I ask what nutritional issues there are to look out for? Or just in general?

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