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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Feeling angry at the moment with my husband aibu here?

32 replies

hazelnut36 · 26/07/2022 19:08

My husbands birthday is this week. I was asking him what he'd like to do and he told me he'd like to go to a particular restaurant for a meal with the kids too (not a problem)

The restaurant menu is limited during the week and they don't do their main menu (the one he likes to eat off) until the evening (too late for two toddlers) however on Saturday they start their main menu earlier at 3pm so I booked us a table for Saturday the day after his birthday and then booked myself and my husband in for lunch at another restaurant he likes on the day of so he can at least do something. I organised childcare for a few hours so we could have a few hours together.

He's now having a moan at me because he wanted to go for a run on his birthday and now has to change things around to suit me. When I suggested he go earlier I was met with I've work to do in the morning Il just have to go in the evening.

I told him I was sick of making an effort to be met with what I feel is just ungratefulness and now I'm after causing a fight in the lead up to his birthday and having him storm out for his evening run without saying so much as goodnight to our dc. Aibu here?

OP posts:
Timetogetup123 · 26/07/2022 19:12

I would cancel the booking on his actual birthday and ask him if he wants to cancel the other one too. No point in spending the money if he doesn't want to celebrate that way.

flyingant · 26/07/2022 19:13

You probably should have checked he was happy with his birthday plans before confirming.

Mally100 · 26/07/2022 19:15

Did you check his plans for the day?

Thatsenoughnow · 26/07/2022 19:15

Why's he taking his tantrum out on the children?

ladydimitrescu · 26/07/2022 19:16

I actually think YABU and should have asked his plans, it's his birthday after all...

Original poster
hazelnut36 · 26/07/2022 19:16

All he told me was he was taking a 1/2 day from work but working from home and planned to go for a run at some point one the day.

OP posts:
KyaClark · 26/07/2022 19:17

Yeah, you should have check with him before steam rolling ahead with what you'd decided was the best idea.

SuperCamp · 26/07/2022 19:20

It’s his birthday, his choice!
Presumably he was happy with the original kid-friendly booking, easy enough to have said ‘how about lunch in your actual birthday?’ and discussed it?

MolliciousIntent · 26/07/2022 19:22

YABU. You asked him what he wanted to do for his birthday, and then you planned something different.

redskyatnight · 26/07/2022 19:25

It's his birthday - he should be able to celebrate the way he wants - not the way you want him to. It's not ungrateful not to thank someone for doing something you didn't want them to.

SzechuanSally · 26/07/2022 19:30

I think it's one of those where it's hard for anyone outside the situation to know which one, if not both of you are being a but unreasonable. We don't know how your relationship is in general or how either of you usually behave.

However, purely from your post, you were unreasonable to plan his birthday for him even if you were trying to do a nice thing. His reaction could have been different however, more of a reasonable, 'thank you for the thought but I'd actually quite like to do xyz instead'

He should have said goodnight to the children unless there is anything we don't know.

Sounds like better communication from both sides would have probably helped.

LactoseTheIntolerant · 26/07/2022 19:32

Yabu this would annoy me too. He might have wanted to treat himself to an extra long run in the morning when he's fresh without any guilt of looking after the kids etc, now he's going to feel guilty if he doesn't go to lunch with you. I love running and really look forward to days where nothing is, planned so I can go for a long guilt free run, so I completely get where he's coming from!

AmandaMirandaPanda · 26/07/2022 19:34

I'd just cancel the lunch booking and the Saturday booking can be his birthday celebration. No need for him to moan.

(I'm assuming you were scheduled to be looking after the children all day that day whether he was at work or WFH, and his run would fall into his work time - otherwise he's taking the piss to expect you'd watch the children during his unscheduled run without knowing the timing.)

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/07/2022 19:34

Ok so he was very rude this evening, but you could have checked with his plans for his actual birthday.

Isaidnoalready · 26/07/2022 19:35

Just cancel it no-one will enjoy it now anyway

Barneysma2 · 26/07/2022 19:36

I cant believe the amount of people saying OP is being unreasonable. Its his birthday and she has done something nice for him and organised child care as well so they can enjoy a nice lunch together. Why cause an argument for the sake of a run, he can go running any time fgs. 🙄OP tell him if he doesnt appreciate the effort youve gone to he can shove the lunch up his arse.

GreenFingersWouldBeHandy · 26/07/2022 19:42

He said he was having a half day; one would assume that is the morning but it could have been the afternoon.

Lunch is smack bang in the middle of both. Surely OP could have booked dinner instead? Or asked him which he would prefer?

It does sound all about what suits the OP to be honest. Sorry.

redskyatnight · 26/07/2022 19:43

Barneysma2 · 26/07/2022 19:36

I cant believe the amount of people saying OP is being unreasonable. Its his birthday and she has done something nice for him and organised child care as well so they can enjoy a nice lunch together. Why cause an argument for the sake of a run, he can go running any time fgs. 🙄OP tell him if he doesnt appreciate the effort youve gone to he can shove the lunch up his arse.

The point is she hasn't done something nice for him. Because he doesn't want it. Doesn't matter that you or she or half the people on the internet think it's a nice thing. He doesn't. He wants to have his day as he wants to have his day. And, as it's his birthday, his wishes should win out.

AnneLovesGilbert · 26/07/2022 19:44

You should have checked with him.

bluekostree · 26/07/2022 19:47

I'd just cancel it. Sounds like he's throwing a tantrum. Going out and not saying good night to the kids is dickish.

hotcoldnotsold · 26/07/2022 19:50

YABU. It's HIS birthday, surely it should be about what he wants? Not what you think he should want. You're being nice to make him happy. If he's not, clearly you've not done the right thing.

Tbh if i had a day off I would absolutely want to do a bike ride as I don't really get much time to do it otherwise. And id be cross if I had to change around MY bday day off to suit a spouse.

Original poster
hazelnut36 · 26/07/2022 19:57

He told me he was working from home in the morning and would finish at 12 and go for a run at some point during the day. I'm off for a few weeks annual leave at the moment but I organised our regular childminder to mind the kids for a few hours to allow us time to go for lunch as we rarely go out as a couple. His whole family are away on holiday for his birthday and he's going away with friends next week so I thought I'd do something nice for him. I've no issues cancelling lunch but I'm upset about the way he handled it by walking out.

OP posts:
Original poster
hazelnut36 · 26/07/2022 19:59

He also goes for a long run every Sunday and Tuesday and then shorter hour long runs the other 5 days.

OP posts:
HannahSternDefoe · 26/07/2022 20:03

Timetogetup123 · 26/07/2022 19:12

I would cancel the booking on his actual birthday and ask him if he wants to cancel the other one too. No point in spending the money if he doesn't want to celebrate that way.

Do this.

Barneysma2 · 26/07/2022 20:06

redskyatnight · 26/07/2022 19:43

The point is she hasn't done something nice for him. Because he doesn't want it. Doesn't matter that you or she or half the people on the internet think it's a nice thing. He doesn't. He wants to have his day as he wants to have his day. And, as it's his birthday, his wishes should win out.

Show quote history

Well like i said, she can tell him to shove lunch up his arse then he can have his day exactly how he wants it then. And youre mistaken, you say she hasnt done something nice for him, booking a lunch for someone is a nice thing to do. If he doesnt appreciate it then thats fine but it is still nice of her to do. I think everyone is being quite harsh on her tbh.