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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

DH dictating bedtimes

38 replies

Bagpuss2022 · 25/07/2022 00:28

DH sleeps downstairs on a sofa bed in the dining room as he snores like a train and refuses to go to the GP about it,
I sleep upstairs so do DC one just back for the summer from 2nd year uni he’s 20, ones just finished 2nd year of a 3 year college NVQ (18) and ones just finished y7

DH has dictated that DC have to be in by 11pm and no one can be downstairs after that.
in normal term time that’s fine but expecting two adult DC to be in by 11 and not use the downstairs after 11 is a joke IMO even the 12 year old and me were watching a film earlier and he was huffing and puffing as it was 10.45 it’s the summer holidays kids are goitnri be up later plus one dc starts work at 4am
I understand he’s working and tired but to dictate to the rest of the house I have offered to sleep downstairs so he can have uninterrupted sleep upstairs but he refuses

what else can I suggest I do think he’s being I unreasonable he has a alternative to sleep upstairs I can’t ask two adults who work and are also In full time education to have no social life or not work extra shifts late and if DC3 wants a late movie why not?

OP posts:

ThreeGoingCrazy · 25/07/2022 00:33

Tell him to get ear plugs or headphones.
I'd expect the kids to l try and be quiet once Dad is asleep but it's onerous enough all be fine NG packed off to your bedrooms at 11 let alone expecting the older kids to adhere to an 11 pm curfew, never get up for a drink etc.

londonlass71 · 25/07/2022 00:34

Wow he is being so unreasonable. I say everyone just does what they want. You can't tell two working grown children to come home by 11. That's ridiculous it's summer holidays. Does he want the older 2 to HATE being at home? I'd stand my ground on this one OP.

D0lphine · 25/07/2022 00:35

So he won't go and see a doctor about his snoring, he won't sleep upstairs (why??) and he won't get ear plugs...

I think you have a DH problem.

Original poster

Bagpuss2022 · 25/07/2022 00:38

Oh I’m standing my ground and insisted he went and slept upstairs tonight me and DC3 have just finished watching Beethoven way after her bedtime but it’s holidays and she will sleep in tomorrow
I was dictated to and ruled like a iron fist by my step father as well as other disturbing things, I will not be dictated to by anyone and neither will my DC respect yes and we all do in this house but he expects us all to dance to his tune but nope we won’t and I will stick up for my kids when my DM didn’t for me

OP posts:

Boymummax2 · 25/07/2022 00:39

So he won't see a gp, won't sleep upstairs, won't wear earplugs?
Literally sounds like a toddler tantrum I couldn't be arsed with. You've offered solutions, he won't consider any of them? So why should you (& dc) consider him?
Whilst I would be considerate (not blaring music or crashing about) I would go about in my home as I would if he were upstairs.
Tell him to either do something or suck it up buttercup!

Aquamarine1029 · 25/07/2022 00:40

I'd be telling him to sod off. I would have zero sympathy for a grown man who refuses to get medical help for himself to stop the snoring. The fucking universe doesn't revolve around him, other people live in that house, too.

ErrolTheDragon · 25/07/2022 00:40

Bagpuss2022 · 25/07/2022 00:38

Well done OP. Hopefully he'll realise this way round is better for him too and stop being an arse.

timeisnotaline · 25/07/2022 00:46

Darling I’ve done the toddler phase and I’m not revisiting it at least until you are senile. We are watching a movie downstairs tonight, you do what you want but that does not include dictating to all of us what time we go to bed.

Featuredcreature · 25/07/2022 00:46

Fuck that, who does he think he is? My ex tried to pull shit like this, in a different way. One thing he tried to do was denying me any time alone, he would try to stay up as long as I did even if he was snoring on the sofa. When our relationship was in dire straits he thought taking a month! off work would be a good idea. It was the end lol.

How does the 20yo react to effectively being given a curfew? I imagine their eyes do a complete rotation pretty often lol.

Original poster

Bagpuss2022 · 25/07/2022 00:51

Featuredcreature · 25/07/2022 00:46

How does the 20yo react to effectively being given a curfew? I imagine their eyes do a complete rotation pretty often lol.

He’s only been back home a week and he’s currently on a two week break in Greece and he’s had a hell of a year major surgery wears a stoma bag now as well as being type one diabetic and he’s so calm he just lets the moaning go over his head it’s the 18 year old people pleaser I worry about more he came in at 11 I said get a pot noodle and watch the movie with us he was dead nervous the 12 year old never up that late but she’s so care free in la la land doesn’t impact her.
i will say he’s a a great dad and works hard has done difficult jobs (forces) but now only works 4 days but works the 5th as overtime as choice

OP posts:

LocalHobo · 25/07/2022 02:07

Why can't you wear ear plugs and then both share the same bed upstairs?

Original poster

Bagpuss2022 · 25/07/2022 02:12

LocalHobo · 25/07/2022 02:07

Why can't you wear ear plugs and then both share the same bed upstairs?

Because I have tried about 4/5 different ones why should I suffer when DH can go to the GP plus I need to wake for dc3 medical episodes

OP posts:

maddy68 · 25/07/2022 02:14

Swap. You stay downstairs

TeachesOfPeaches · 25/07/2022 02:28

He can sleep upstairs and then go downstairs when you go up and everyone is done for the night.

Ponderingwindow · 25/07/2022 02:57

if he can sleep upstairs on this particular night, why can’t he always sleep upstairs? Are you expecting him to start the night upstairs and then move? That isn’t ok. If you insist on his bedroom being the sofa, then he is right, that room needs to be quiet by his reasonable bedtime every night.

you do realize that the GP can actually do very little for snoring. It’s not likely to bring some magic fix. He can go for the appt and they can even do a sleep study and give him a c-pap machine, but long term compliance rates are low because people find them so unpleasant.

artishard · 25/07/2022 03:00

Ah i feel for you OP and your kids. I was in a similar position whereby my stepdad would bolt the doors from the inside if i wasn't back by 10pm (this was 18 onwatds, whilst paying board). He also rigged the wifi/tv so that everything would switch off by 11pm. It was grim and controlling, and completely unnecessary.

Unexpecteddrivinginstructor · 25/07/2022 03:31

Can the 20yr old sleep downstairs at least over the weekends and dh have his room? Does he understand the health risks of sleep apnoea, if it is that?

amylou8 · 25/07/2022 03:31

If his bedroom is the sofa then he's being perfectly reasonable to expect to be able to sleep at 11pm. If however you're prepared to swap, he has the bedroom and you spend the night on the sofa, then he's being unreasonable not taking that option and letting you and the kids get on with your evening.
Have a look at Bose sleepbuds, not cheap but have been a game changer for me.

Original poster

Bagpuss2022 · 25/07/2022 03:37

Money is not a issue sleep buds etc ideally we wound both sleep in our bedroom I’m currently downstairs as he was in a strop I’m not making my adult children or the younger one being dictated too had enough of that as a child

OP posts:

MarshaMelrose · 25/07/2022 03:39

I snore. Went to a GP. They gave some advice but there was nothing they could do.

UndertheCedartree · 25/07/2022 03:43

He is telling 18 and 20yo to be home by 11pm? Good luck with that one! I was staying out later at 14!

Bubblesandsqueak1 · 25/07/2022 04:00

The gp do jack poops for snoring so if you want to stay up later he should use the bed and you sleep on the sofa, he is not unreasonable to request ppl be quite and come home at a sensible time if he has to sleep downstairs,

autienotnaughty · 25/07/2022 04:40

I think it's reasonable people are out of the dining room by the time yr dh wants to go to bed. But they should be able to come in as they please/watch tv quietly etc in living room. He could wear ear plugs if it's an issue.

LastMinuteBreak · 25/07/2022 05:28

MarshaMelrose · 25/07/2022 03:39

I snore. Went to a GP. They gave some advice but there was nothing they could do.

@MarshaMelrose So they never referred you to a sleep clinic to be checked out? If not and it's quite bad snoring then they've done you and/or any partner a disservice.

OP, I'm with you on this. My DP is a terrible snorer - I'm talking about the neighbours being able to hear it and also us inside our home but at other ends of the house. He was diagnosed with a sleep condition and a respiratory problem which both cause snoring. He wears a mask now but I refused to let him share a bed with me until he got it checked out and sorted. He dragged his feet and every time he moaned about his sleeping arrangements, I would mention the GP. He was referred, had an overnight sleep study with equipment on at home (although sometimes you do it in hospital) and they found the problems after also checking his nose and throat. I'm not good with lack of sleep and it would have ruined our marriage more if we were in the same bed before but it's fine now.

If I had adult children, I'd be having a word about this again and refusing curfews. You only get one life, why limit the time with your children who want to spend time with you still in the living room?

pictish · 25/07/2022 05:44

He’s not a ‘great dad’ if he cuts off communal living areas to his family after 11pm during the school holidays. He’s an unrealistic, selfish git who’s making his problem (snoring) everybody’s problem. Don’t let him.

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