Am I being mean?

[Totallyexhausted1]

DS and his friend have both gotten into summer camp. Not done before but others in class have. I was so excited as summer can get long. DS’s friends mum just contacted me to ask if I can drop off and pick her son up. I’m in a real pickle as I don’t work so obviously can’t decline but she works and if I don’t drop off and pick up her son can’t go.

I know it’s so easy to say “just say no”. I don’t feel I can. Truthfully I don’t even know if her house is on the way or if I’ll be going out of my way so I’ve explained I’ll check out the journey and let her know.

it’s so annoying as I planned we’d do stuff after or before but I feel I’m stuck now. The camp is not local either, it’s a 30-45 minute drive away.

You seemed really happy your child had got into the camp especially with a friend. If there is a long waiting list, why would you decide not to send your child everyday, therefore depriving another child of the place he could have had.
I know you feel put upon and she shouldn't really have asked you but as she has I would do it. Not for her but so my child would have a great time with his mate. It isn't all summer and could really make a difference as to whether he enjoys it or not.

Who's going to take your son if not you? How hard is it really for you to cooperate with someone? I'd have thought sharing the transport with someone 'really nice' would save you fuel ££, gain you a friend, and be good for the boys - and the planet. Is there the possibility that being a SAHM is making you a bit isolated and less self-confident?

Totally missing the point of the post but you say there’s a big waiting list yet your going to pick and choose when to go? Is this a free summer camp?

I hate stuff like this!!

She/they are the ones being the absolute cheeky fuckers and yet somehow you're the one feeling bad!! Wtf is that all about?!

It took me till I was 40 odd after many years of people taking the piss. Now I can do it.

'Sure! Great idea to share lifts. Im easy If I drop off or pick up. Let me know what suits you best.'

First of all you must sort out the driving route there - I think this is a bit stressful for you right now. Maybe there's a longer route that you find more comfortable for you.
Once that's done, it doesn't matter how many kids you have in the car.

I think it would be very kind of you to take this other child. You never know when you might need help with car sharing for your own son and you're going there anyway.

However, choose 2 specific days of the week to commit to and tell the mum your intention was to use the club as and when but seeing that she's in need of some help, you'll take both kids on Mondays snd Thursdays (for ex.) and she needs to drop off at yours in the morning. You will use the club on other days but don't want to commit to giving lifts because it will complicate your family and your personal schedule/commitments so can't help any further.

Don't offer anymore than that.

Your DH is right, stop telling people everything! 😁

Who's going to take your son if not you? How hard is it really for you to cooperate with someone? I'd have thought sharing the transport with someone 'really nice' would save you fuel ££, gain you a friend, and be good for the boys - and the planet. Is there the possibility that being a SAHM is making you a bit isolated and less self-confident?
There is no sharing?

You've misunderstood I think. The friend expects the op to do all the journeys.

Never apologise, never explain.

She will try and problem solve for OP if OP says this.

Best to say ‘Sorry, I won’t be able to help. Hope you are able to sort something out!’

Or what @MarinoRoyale said.

The thing is she’s actually really nice. I think it’s my insecurities about driving and fear of being taken advantage of.

Is she really nice though? Do really nice people ask such huge favours without any acknowledgement of what a big imposition it would be and no offer of help in return or payment? The nice people I know would feel lucky to get this sort of help from close family, never mind a school friend mum.

Its not you and your insecurities about driving, it’s about all the other completely reasonable things you said like having to have the child early in the morning, not knowing where they live and how much extra driving you’d have to do, the inflexibility of being able to decide in the morning if you’re going to go and plenty others.

If she has any manners at all she will graciously accept you saying no however you say it. You don’t need to make excuses, just tell her you can’t do it.

I do get the replies saying don't explain etc but as someone who feels awkward saying no I also get how this can feel like softening the blow.

In reality id probably say "im afraid I can't commit to that - we aren't planning to take ds to camp every day, will likely play it by ear each night / morning and will be doing things around it which will make it too difficult to provide transport for anyone else. Ds is really looking forward to seeing (her sons name) there and perhaps we can arrange a get together for them on a particular day so they can spend time together outside of camp?"

This is perfect.

Stop fretting and just send it.

You're thinking up excuses to explain why you don't want to, but at the end of the day you just don't want to, that's absolutely fine.

It'll impact your time and that's annoying, and perfectly reasonable to not want to do it.

Also you say she's actually really nice. She's not. This is a massive ask, and she shouldn't have put her child forward for it if she hadn't organised and thought of travel. She's asking too much of you, and it's rude and grabby.

Will your son still want to go if his friend can’t go? If my child really wanted a friend to go, I would do the pick ups/drop offs.

If your child is happy to go alone, I would be less inclined depending on the details (distance to friends’s house, expectations of before and after care)

My other question is what her plans are for childcare before camp. Are you assuming she expects you to care for him 7:30-11 or has she voiced this? Maybe she has childcare arranged. If not, that is a huge ask, quite extraordinary. No one wants someone else’s child every day of the holidays.

If you don’t want to do the driving, the childcare etc then the only answer is no. I know you said you’d look at the distance and get back to her but so what? Just say, sorry I can’t help with pick ups and drop offs. I’ve thought about it and it isn’t going to work as we have lots of plans.

In future, just say hi and wotnot but don’t chatter on. School mums I have met who get themselves into these situations have offered and then become resentful when their offer is accepted. Be mindful of what you say. If someone puts you on the spot with a request you can say you will get back to them.

How long is the Summer Camp for? Can you offer to take him a couple of times and just say you are busy the other days. I mean only if you don't mind doing it a couple of times.

So my DC are both going to a camp 40mins away. I chose it because it's got some great activities on (sailing, raft building, mountain biking, canoeing etc..) But I applied for it knowing how far away it was and in the full knowledge I'd need to be responsible for getting them there and back. I would not have booked this if I could t get my DC there or pick them up.

The lady asking you for pick up/drop off help also shouldn't have booked this club without knowing she could get there. Unless it's a last minute emergency she's contending with?

Are there local holiday camps or day camps her child can go to?

If I was you, I'd just say no. It's fine to say no OP.

What have you decided to do?

These things will keep always happening to you if you’re a doormat and say yes to things that don’t work for you all the time. Just say “sorry that won’t work I’m afraid” the end

I really wouldn't. Its not your problem. I would just look out for your own childs transport and do things you planned.

I'd tell her that you won't be able to say until the day whether your son is attending or not as it's on an ad hoc basis, but (if you're happy to) you can message her about 9.30 and let her know if you're going. I'd also find out how far away he lives to check it's not going to be a massive inconvenience to give him a lift

So is she assuming she can drop her child to you when she leaves for work?! Then you drive him there and pick him up? How much money has she offered? Is it a week or longer? There’s just no way I’d agree to this, it’s massive, to drive someone there and back at that distance. She’s silly not to have sorted out transport in advance. Not your problem.

"I may be able to help on a few days but we have plans much of the time which would not work with lifts. I could text you the night before when I can help but I won't know until the last moment."

Either:

Youre going every day and you SHARE 50/50. So reply “I’m happy I do pick ups, if you can do drop offs” or “I’ll do both ways Mon, Tues, and Wed afternoon if you do Wednesday morning, Thurs & Fri”

OR you’re not going every day, in which case “We’re going Tues & Thurs. How about I do lifts Tues and you do Thurs?

Theres no way I’d have such a o e-sided deal.

To be brutal : she’s happy to take advantage of you having time as a SAHP, but would you take advantage of her having money as a WOHP? Thought not.

I'm a sahm and I intentionally give off a vibe that I'm not available to do these things. I always have pre planned answers ready as well if I'm caught on the spot. In this case I would have Said that I wouldn't be able to as I'm running errands/ have personal appointments so wouldn't be able to commit/ we are visiting a friend or relative and leaving from there.

You don't owe this CF anything.
Text back and tell her no, that it's not possible.

Bloody hell, look at the problems it's causing already
She is not nice, she is using emotional blackmail to manipulate you
Just say 'ah wish I could help but I can't'