Footing the bill?

[Birthdaysbloodybirthdays]

Jane and Bob are brother and sister. Bob has a birthday coming up.
Jane decided it should be celebrated.
Jane and Bob both have two children who are the same age (early 20s)
In attendance is Jane, Bob, their dad, Jane’s children and Bob’s children.
Jane decides the bill should be split four ways. Herself, her dad and Bob’s DC1 & DC2.

Is it fair that Jane’s children don’t pay?

YABU - no they’re just as old and if they’re attending they should be paying too
YANBU - it’s Bob’s birthday and only his own children should pay

I've got a [wealthy] family member like this - they can only get away with it for so long. I think it was some kind of game to them.
I'm surprised none of the older family member present, who know her form (?) called her out at the time. Did she do it slyly? I hope now it has come to light that this is at least discussed with Bob's children so they feel empowered not to just accept this kind of manipulative shit.

Exactly!

Yes it happened slyly and I don’t think anyone really appreciated what had happened until afterwards.

So bobs children paid for themselves, and a quarter of Janes kids, you and their dad?

I am one of three adult children. Our mum and dad divorced long ago. For dad's celebrations with extended family you might generally expect my dad and mum, if they were together, 'taking everyone out for a meal'. That's how it works in his extended family.

My sisters and tend to organise his celebrations. When we we're young adults we would try to pay but my extended family would have none of it and insisted the bill was shared among adults. Now we are older adults we have more clout, and finances, to insist.

I do not agree with Jane at all, but could her thinking be traced here? If she takes extended family out, and pays, for celebrations for her side of the family (if she does), maybe she thinks Bob's side of the family should do the same.

Terrible behavior, but at least perhaps an explanation, albeit a poor one

I don't actually think young adults in the position of Bob's children should be forced to pay for extended family meals that are in general like ones they have accepted hospitality for but where the payer, likely Jane or Jane's dad, had paid. It's not equal. They might not even have wanted to attend those other events and certainly not if reciprocity was expected.

I appreciate the way my extended family dealt with us in a situation where my dad's family might be expected to pay but where we were young adults with no spare cash for that type of thing.

Are you planning on doing/saying something now?

Must admit we never did (never affected young adults like this though) but put things in place to stop it happening again - which definitely annoyed them!