Please or to access all these features

Add post

Watch this thread

Save thread

Start a new thread

Flip thread

Hide thread

My feed

Active Unanswered threads

Getting started FAQ's

Unanswered threads Acronyms Talk guidelines

Hide shortcut buttons

Talk

AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Flip

1 2

Original poster

To not be sexually attracted to fiancé?

34 replies

BarefootSand · 24/07/2022 11:38

We’ve been together for 17 years and have 1 DC aged 11.

I feel awful, but it’s getting harder and harder to hype myself up to have sex with him now. DF has put weight on and thinks I’m going off him because of that, but it honestly isn’t anything to do with how he looks. I think he’s a good looking man, but there isn’t a sexual attraction there! If I’m honest I don’t think there ever was, even at the very start of our relationship, but I assumed that if you loved someone and truly cared for them then sexual attraction doesn’t matter.

it’s not gotten to the point where I physically can’t bring myself to have sex with him - I don’t find him repulsive or anything like that, but I just don’t see him in a sexual way.

DF is quite sensitive, and I know that if I try and explain how I’m feeling he’ll see it very black and white, like “well I must be fat and ugly and you find me disgusting”. It’s honestly NOT that, but he wouldn’t understand!

there are a few other factors that come into play that may not be helping; such a poor hygiene on his end, and sex just not feeling that good. I could honestly go the rest of my life without it. I’ve never orgasmed with a man, either or through penetration or other means (sorry, TMI!)

what do I do?? For the past 15 years of our relationship I’ve had sex with him to appease him and get him off my back for a week or so, but lately I just can’t bring myself to do it.

For a bit of context, I’ve posted on here before ages ago mentioning the DF used to try and bribe me for sex - I showed him the thread and he was so ashamed of himself and stopped immediately.

i don’t want to break up as we’ve built a life together, and he’s my best friend. I love him dearly, but I’m not “in” love with him. But also conscious that it’s unfair to him to be stuck in a relationship where he’s not getting the love and intimacy he deserves.

please help?

OP posts:

Topgub · 24/07/2022 11:45

I think you need to end the relationship.

You absolutely shouldn't be forcing yourself or being bribed into sex you don't want.

But its not fair on him to be in a relationship with someone who isn't in live with him and who doesn't want sex unless he has specifically agreed to that.

darisdet · 24/07/2022 11:47

I'd be considering ending things in your position.

newbiename · 24/07/2022 11:47

You need to end the relationship. Let him find someone who wants to have sex.
Or , tell him and see if he's happy to live without sex.

NoseyNellie · 24/07/2022 11:54

Would you like to enjoy sex with him? If so a sex therapist could help with this - the charity Relate has resources available

www.relate.org.uk/relationship-advice

if not, then you need to have some big conversations with your OH, centred on you not wanting sex and whether that’s a deal breaker for him.

Would you be amenable to him pursuing a sexual relationship elsewhere?

alonglongshot · 24/07/2022 11:55

I've sent you a PM @BarefootSand

Merryoldgoat · 24/07/2022 11:56

Poor hygiene and bad sex.

Well. Is it any wonder?

HangOnToYourself · 24/07/2022 11:57

I felt.like this 7 years into my previous relationship. Unfortunately for me I just couldnt carry on in that relationship, for me sex is important but even if it wasnt I knew I was being unfair to him as it was making him feel rejected. It sounds like sex is important to your fiance so it's hard to.see how you can now be compatible.

TitInATrance · 24/07/2022 11:58

Please don’t marry anyone you aren’t sexually attracted to.

I don’t understand why you are blaming yourself when he’s fat and dirty? It’s not as if he’s making an effort!

SleeplessInEngland · 24/07/2022 11:58

It was obviously a bad idea to tie yourself to a man you say you were never sexually attracted to. That’s on you.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/07/2022 11:58

If you don't want to leave and all else being equal he treats you well would you consider going to therapy? Because it's not right for you to spend your life having sex when you don't want to just to appease him and it's not right to expect him to completely forgo sex. These positions are irreconcilable. It's either you have some honest discussions and are prepared to work on things together or you part ways. Sorry to say it but it is very black and white.

Palg68 · 24/07/2022 11:59

Oh dear OP. After reading further you had issues from the very very start OP. You should not of continued with this man you've been quite cruel. A sex therapist won't solve 15 years this has been going on.

Spohn · 24/07/2022 12:05

-Stay in a sham relationship with a sexually coercive stinking creep.
-dump him and raise your standards in life.

oooh, so difficult to choose between those options 😄

Original poster

BarefootSand · 24/07/2022 12:37

Thanks for the replies. To answer some questions:

I don’t think he’d be happy living in a sexless relationship, and quite rightly so.

I think I would be amenable to him finding sex elsewhere as I’m aware he has needs, but I don’t think he’d want to do that.

Not to make excuses at all, however as we got together so young (mid teens) I didn’t know how it was supposed to feel! I didn’t think that I’d be in this position 17 years down the line, it was my first real relationship and I had nothing to compare it against.

I’m aware that I have acted in a cruel way by staying with him and not speaking up, I guess I was being quite the martyr in that way - I’ve been putting his needs first for almost 2 decades and in my mind I’d prefer to just get it over and done with so he’s happy and won’t ask me for another week.

agree that a sex therapist won’t solve it, even if the sex was fantastic I don’t think you can change your attraction to someone.

OP posts:

Scianel · 24/07/2022 12:46

So you've stayed with someone all these years that you were never in love with?
I don't know what to say. I guess sometimes it can be a worthwhile trade off for some people, but you're clearly not happy.
I appreciate it's difficult as you must care very deeply about him and you have children with him.

VladmirsPoutine · 24/07/2022 12:48

agree that a sex therapist won’t solve it, even if the sex was fantastic I don’t think you can change your attraction to someone.

I think I missed this bit. I thought it was more that you didn't want to have sex in general as you said you'd be quite happy to never have sex again (i.e. with anyone). In this light then I'd say if the attraction isn't there, that pure chemistry, then it's time to call it a day. I don't think that raw attraction is something that you can create out of thin air. Usually it comes and goes in waves and can be all but invisible when a couple is going through balancing work, life and a kid etc but it invariably comes back. If you don't have it at all then it's not looking good tbh.

If this (relationship) is all you've ever known and for a huge chunk of it you've been 'soldering' through it then it's really time to wind it down.

Elsiebear90 · 24/07/2022 12:53

I think you can’t really continue with this relationship, he won’t be happy being sexless or finding it elsewhere and you won’t be happy having sex with him, you’re incompatible and it will just lead to lots of resentment which will affect the friendship part of your relationship as well.

Are you attracted to other people? Or do you have no attraction to anyone? You might not be interested in sex again because bad sex with someone you’re not attracted to is all you’ve known.

Goldencarp · 24/07/2022 12:59

It’s a tough one. If you both truly loved each other and are happy not to have sex then that’s fine. Sexless relationships can and do work but it has to be mutual. If one of you is unhappy with no sex then it won’t work.

Original poster

BarefootSand · 24/07/2022 12:59

The sad thing is I really really wish I could change how I feel. I’d do anything to feel that attraction to him, but it’s just not there.

I care so deeply for him, I’ve tried so many things to create that spark but it’s not happening and I hate myself for not wanting to have sex with my fiancé.

OP posts:

VladmirsPoutine · 24/07/2022 13:02

How did you feel when you got engaged? Did you 'feel' anything? Or was it just a discussion had over dinner and that was that?

TakeYourFinalPosition · 24/07/2022 13:03

He shouldn’t be your fiancé. It should never have got this far. It has, and there’s no point laying blame for that - but there’s only one fix, and that’s being friends, if anything. There’s no compromise that makes everyone happy here, and in holding on to him and this, you’re being quite selfish while trying to be selfless… it doesn’t help him. It avoids immediate hurt for him now, but it sets him up for a marriage that’ll have him constantly questioning himself. You care for him deeply but you don’t love him and you’re not attracted to him and he deserves both of those things, as do you.

Original poster

BarefootSand · 24/07/2022 13:06

I can find people good looking, but it’s very rare that I’d want to rip someone’s clothes off. There was one person about 5 years ago that I had a very strong sexual attraction to, even though he wasn’t conventionally very attractive! There was just something about him. We don’t speak and nothing ever happened between us. But it proves that I can feel that way.

and yes on the sex side. I know how to get myself off, and when DF has asked what I want him to do I’ll guide him as clearly as possible but he just won’t do it! As an example, I’d say yes keep doing that, and then he’d stop? Or change tempo. So it gets to the point where I’m thinking “what is the point? You’re not trying to make this enjoyable for me?”. As long as he finishes it doesn’t matter. When I’ve brought this up in the past he’d say something like “well you don’t like sex anyway, so I thought you’d prefer it to be quick”.

OP posts:

Calvinlookingforhobbes · 24/07/2022 13:10

I said YABU and you are to stay in this relationship for both of your sakes. P

Original poster

BarefootSand · 24/07/2022 13:11

The engagement was a discussion. We’ve been engaged for a very long time.

Part of me feels that he doesn’t want to be married either though! You hear of instances where a man won’t propose for years with his partner, but then move on and be married within a year. Not putting blame on him either as I know it’s a 2 way street, it’s just something I’ve noticed.

OP posts:

WonderingWanda · 24/07/2022 13:12

Having read your last post I think you need to end it for both of you. You sound incompatible and he sounds a bit selfish, he clearly knows you've not been enjoying it and just uses you which is gross.

Babdoc · 24/07/2022 13:15

OP, this relationship isn’t just dead, it’s decomposing. Do the decent thing - read the last rites over it and bury the body.
You and your ex can then (hopefully) amicably coparent your child, with him free to seek out soap, water and a woman who can love him.
I think you should avoid dating anyone else until you have perhaps discussed your feelings with a therapist. You may have a very low libido, you may be gay, or you may just never have had the chance to experiment with other men to find one that does float your boat. But it’s worth exploring your options - you only get one life.

Flip

1 2

Swipe left for the next trending thread