To not be sexually attracted to fiancé?

[BarefootSand]

We’ve been together for 17 years and have 1 DC aged 11.

I feel awful, but it’s getting harder and harder to hype myself up to have sex with him now. DF has put weight on and thinks I’m going off him because of that, but it honestly isn’t anything to do with how he looks. I think he’s a good looking man, but there isn’t a sexual attraction there! If I’m honest I don’t think there ever was, even at the very start of our relationship, but I assumed that if you loved someone and truly cared for them then sexual attraction doesn’t matter.

it’s not gotten to the point where I physically can’t bring myself to have sex with him - I don’t find him repulsive or anything like that, but I just don’t see him in a sexual way.

DF is quite sensitive, and I know that if I try and explain how I’m feeling he’ll see it very black and white, like “well I must be fat and ugly and you find me disgusting”. It’s honestly NOT that, but he wouldn’t understand!

there are a few other factors that come into play that may not be helping; such a poor hygiene on his end, and sex just not feeling that good. I could honestly go the rest of my life without it. I’ve never orgasmed with a man, either or through penetration or other means (sorry, TMI!)

what do I do?? For the past 15 years of our relationship I’ve had sex with him to appease him and get him off my back for a week or so, but lately I just can’t bring myself to do it.

For a bit of context, I’ve posted on here before ages ago mentioning the DF used to try and bribe me for sex - I showed him the thread and he was so ashamed of himself and stopped immediately.

i don’t want to break up as we’ve built a life together, and he’s my best friend. I love him dearly, but I’m not “in” love with him. But also conscious that it’s unfair to him to be stuck in a relationship where he’s not getting the love and intimacy he deserves.

please help?

I wasn't attracted to my ex husband at all. I didn't want any sex either to the point that I thought I was asexual. I did discuss opening the relationship but he didn't want to, we ultimately divorced.

even if the sex was fantastic I don’t think you can change your attraction to someone

If the sex was fantastic the probability is that you’d fancy him. I didn’t look at my bloke and go “Phwoar!” when we first met. He was OK but that was all. What a surprise I got when we had sex for the first time. It was the best I’d ever had and I found him very attractive from then on in. But he wasn’t fat and dirty so I can see why you’re struggling.

I understand your predicament (when I was younger, I found myself in a similar one) and can see how your situation has evolved in the way it has, given that your relationship with your partner started when you were both teenagers. You got tied down into this monogamous coupling before you had time to explore your sexuality to figure out the things that actually turn you on.

Hell! Maybe you’re not into males in general, who knows? But what you do know, is that this guy is just not doing it for you sexually.

It’s understandable to me how, as you grew older with this fellow, you came to realize certain things that you were reluctant to admit to yourself at first – namely that you love the father of your DC, but more like a friend or worse: a brother! But because you didn’t want to hurt his feelings, you’ve been avoiding articulating this to him because it will inevitably make him feel bad about himself.

Hetero male egos tend to be fragile and women who choose male lovers/partners often find themselves kind of massaging their egos.

That said, it sounds like you’ve come to an impasse here and out of respect for the both of you, you’re going to have to just “rip the bandage off” and as compassionately as possible, just tell him the truth. Explain it like you’ve explained it on this forum.

Once the truth is out, you can both hopefully remain friends and co-parents to the offspring you have together.

But you do NOT want to marry this guy. Don’t double-down on this incompatible match. Wouldn’t be fair to either of you. And divorces are expensive.

Step 1. Start masturbating and figure out what you like. “Never had an orgasm with a man” is not good.

Step 2. Re-evaluate. Is it his bad hygiene? Do you still want a relationship with him? How does it feel when you show him what to do that you like?

If the relationship is dead, end it. But it would be sad if you ended it and then found that you have the same issues in all relationships, because you are asexual, or need therapy, or don’t enjoy penetration, or something else unrelated to DF.

Felt this way about my ex, eventually had to call
it quits. He couldn’t make me orgasm during the year we were together and sex became a chore because I really wasn’t sexually attracted to him.Just like you, I thought because I had love for him it would be enough. It wasn’t. This was for
only a year can’t imagine how it would have been it was 17 yrs!!!

Sorry. This is dead in the water. Release him and yourself and become good friends and Co- parents.

I was a bit like this with my ex. I never fancied him and was at a bit of a low point when we met. I used to kiss other guys every time I went on a night out with my friends and ended up having sex with 2 men behind his back. I never felt guilty because he was horrible to me. We never lived together even though there were kids involved ans we were so on and off. But he ended up doing something really awful that there was no coming back from and I eventually went on to meet someone better all round who I do fancy and I am more happier and fulfilled.

I felt the same with my ex. Never was sexually attracted to him. After a while it felt like I was having sex with my brother. It wasn’t fair to him so I had to let him go. He’s much happier now with someone else and I’m happier not dreading sex with him or forcing myself to have sex out of duty.

Having been married multiple times myself, I can assure you that what you are feeling is perfectly normal...The only reason I left my previous husbands was because they were very abusive - I am now married to a smart, funny, considerate man for 7 years, and I have had some of those same old feeling again, but realize that the " infatuation" I felt when we first got together never lasts with ANY partner. You should take some time to think about what is important in the long haul (loyalty, honesty, etc) and if your husband gives you these things, then do all you can to stay with him. Good men are hard to find, so hang on to your gold mine! As for the "attraction" issue, talk to him about it and maybe the two of you can do something to spice things up a bit...H. this helps