FIL and MIL ill

[Pandamumium]

I know I’m not AIBU but I just want some support.
We live abroad and my In-Laws live in the UK. They are both in their 80s and not in the best of health.
Both of them were in hospital last week - FIL for diabetes and mobility problems. MIL for heart related issues.
FIL can hardly walk. He is also not eating when at home, so becoming very weak.
He has just been discharged home on his own with carers coming in twice a day. He is already refusing meals.
My AIBU is that my husband is not getting involved. I am not listed as next of kin so cannot make any decisions. At the moment the person most involved is the Next-door neighbour.
My DH is working away at the moment-admittedly on an important project. I feel that he needs to tell work that he has a family emergency and needs to go to the UK.
AIBU.

This is your husband's personal choice, and also work IS important.

I can't vote without more info. Have you told him exactly what is going on? Does he have any siblings? What about other relatives?

Important project or not, it sounds as though his dad is nearing the end of his life and your DH should see him very soon. If he doesn't he may regret it and unfairly blame you for not spelling it out to him. Can he speak to someone involved in his parents' care, i.e. someone in the medical team? That might help.

He is an only child. There are no other family members around.
Yes, he does know what is going on. I kept trying to tell him to ttet to speak to his mother’s consultant. I was worried that she would die at the beginning of the week, but he hasn’t yet.
I appreciate work is important but I didn’t get to see either of my parents before they died and I know that if it was them, I would do my best to be there.

I spent an hour on the phone to the neighbours yesterday and when I rang him to fill him in, he asked me
to wait until he finished eating.

Contact social services and ask them to assess urgently.

Is there a backstory here re. your husband’s relationship with his parents?

I take it he's not close to his parents?

Unfortunately that’s a downside of living in a different country as you know.

he should ideally be helping to make sure they have a proper care plan in place but you can’t force him to go and visit.

I take it he doesn't like his parents much. Is there any reasons?

Surely he should be making sure they're in a care home if he can't look after them, it's not fair on the poor neighbour to deal with it all.

Agree with the above comment - this sounds like a very heavy load on the neighbour. You are not being unreasonable at all

His parents are difficult, but he does like them. There have been no major fallings out. He actually has power of attorney.
Social services are involved, but have deemed that his father can go back to the house, despite the fact that he can only walk a couple of steps with a Walker and is in the house on his own.

This is not your battle - it's your husband's. It's his issue to solve/get involved in or not. I'm sure that you mean well but I would urge you not to take on responsibility that isn't yours.

Your husband is burying his head in the proverbial sand - if he pretends it's not happening it's not happening. Can you get him to speak to the neighbour (or have neighbour call him)? If your husband has power of attorney doesn't he need to get involved with the social services? It's a lot to put in the neighbour who is filling in.
You can only urge your husband to take it seriously and act. If he doesn't then there's not much more you can do.
Your husband owes his parents' neighbour big time and I hope he eventually understands all they did.

Not more than your dangerously ill parents, it's not.
Capitalism gone mad!

Your husband sounds like a heartless git. Sorry I realise that's not helpful but that's my take on it. I'd be giving him a piece of my mind.

I don't think it's a wife's job to tell her husband what to do about HIS own parents. If he does or doesn't want to get involved, then that's entirely up to him, regardless of anyone else's opinion. And maybe work is more important to him - none of us know and, again, that's his choice to make.

YANBU and this is quite common with men- apologies to all the excellent sons out there. An attitude of ‘it’ll be ok’ rather than accepting there are major issues that he needs to deal with. You need to do some very straight talking.

It sounds like his FIL might be able to struggle along for a while alone but if MIL is to come home there will need to be changes or she’ll need residential care. He could start by talking to the staff involved on the phone and learning what the processes are and then he will probably need to go in person.

I assume he’d fly back for their funerals?

I doubt if the project is so important he cannot be released from it. And quite frankly, if an employer was so uncaring that they would not allow someone to visit what may be a dying parent, then they are beneath contempt.

I visit care homes and it’s not unusual if a person had a not brilliant childhood that they literally can’t get involved when mum or dad need care. They just don’t have it in them.

Do you know if Social Services have done a full care assessment? I'd suggest you tell them that the situation with your FIL is a safeguarding risk as it doesn't sound as if he can easily get to the toilet on his own and he would be stuck if he had a fall.

How long can he drag out the emergency for though? Because this isn't that they need his help for a week or two.

Can you afford for him to take unpaid leave?

Look, let's be frank, he's probably leaving a vacuum here for you to go and fill. It's a very common tactic.

Is he in denial? Sounds possible.

He really does need to go back to the UK and see what is needed, but ultimately I suppose all you can do is encourage that. The choice is his.

So he 'likes' his parents but he's leaving everyone else to pick up the pieces - you, the neighbour, the NHS, social services, carers - while his parents struggle and enter into their difficult last days, and he just ... works?

That's really shit. Actually it's quite immature.

Thank you for all your comments.
I don’t think he needs to stay in the UK long term, but does need to go to sort out long term care and also for emotional support.
i have just found out that his mother is being transferred to London for an operation. Surely he should be there to support her and to find out what is happening.