FIL and MIL ill

[Pandamumium]

I know I’m not AIBU but I just want some support.
We live abroad and my In-Laws live in the UK. They are both in their 80s and not in the best of health.
Both of them were in hospital last week - FIL for diabetes and mobility problems. MIL for heart related issues.
FIL can hardly walk. He is also not eating when at home, so becoming very weak.
He has just been discharged home on his own with carers coming in twice a day. He is already refusing meals.
My AIBU is that my husband is not getting involved. I am not listed as next of kin so cannot make any decisions. At the moment the person most involved is the Next-door neighbour.
My DH is working away at the moment-admittedly on an important project. I feel that he needs to tell work that he has a family emergency and needs to go to the UK.
AIBU.

Oh @Pandamumium I do feel for you, being put in this situation. Many of us have been there with partners and adult siblings refusing to engage, in respect of elderly parents.

At the very least he should organise emergency leave for a week and get to England to deal with as much as he can in that time. Even with a day's travel either end, that's five full days to see his parents, talk to health professionals and social services (and the GP surgery), check the house over, stock up the freezer and tighten up care arrangements. Lots of contacts can be set up in advance. Maybe he can treat it as project management if he needs to stay emotionally detached.

So many of us have had to do this. It's not the Eleusinian Mysteries.

He should never have agreed to take on PoA if he wasn’t prepared to fulfill the duties it’s for. I find it really difficult to understand how anyone could neglect parents they have a good relationship with and obviously you do too @Pandamumium. I’m afraid I’d be looking at my bloke a bit differently if I were you.

In that case he shouldn't have taken on the PoA.

You sound like a lovely DIL. Yes he should be involved.

Posted too soon. OP, find out who the social worker is and tell them all your concerns. They will understand if the only family are abroad that it can be difficult. It sounds like your FIL is possibly not safe to be on his own and hopefully the carers will flag that message too. Also, you can ask to speak to his GP and again pass on information although they obviously won't be able to discuss his medical situation, but they can be made aware.

And yes, the DH should be doing this, if humanly possible.

I also feel very sorry for the neighbours! It’s not their circus but they are trying to help more than the son!

Me too Blossomtoes and selfishly I suppose I'd be wondering how much support he give me if ever I should become ill.
How on earth a project, even if it's an important one, can be considered a greater priority than elderly poorly parents almost beggars belief to me. It's unfortunate that they have both found themselves ill at an inconvenient time for their son but he really does need to give his head shake, arrange a few days special leave and get himself home to sort things out for his dad and visit his mum before it's too late.
Unless there is more of a back story to the relationship between him and his parents than we have been told there is really no excuse for him not arranging to come home - all the more so as he holds power of and is next of kin.

He should be helping and getting involved. Being blunt, but I bet his feelings won't be a problem when it comes to any inheritance. He won't mind being involved in that part.

Death is never a nice or easy subject, but unfortunately it happens to us all. They have lived a long and good life I'm assuming, and deserve to have a decent ending to it, not abandoned by their son. I'd be telling him to get his arse over there pronto. Practical strangers to him are helping more with his parents than he is, he should be embarrassed.