To talk to my son about weight

[WonderingMum2]

DS is 13, not really gone through puberty yet, voice not broken etc but very emotional so it’s on the way. My worry is he has put on a lot of weight this summer. He’s very active but with clubs stopping for the summer the weight is going on and he is totally addicted to sugar. Craves sweet things… outings are based around the treats available… destinations rated as to the quality of the ice cream etc. pocket money spent on treats. so AIBU to bring it up? I don’t want him to get a complex but equally I can see him sliding into the over weight category and getting unhealthy. And I’m afraid if this continues he’ll give up sport and it’ll get worse. His friends are pretty inactive gamers which doesn’t help . We have a lot of treats in the house. I want to stop buying them but DH says he needs to learn to regulate his own behaviour. DH comes from a family of beanpoles who can eat what they want though … DS has inherited my family’s body shape which tends to beer belly etc.

You don’t need to bring it up- he knows. Its a normal age to put on some weight then he’ll grow up the way and broaden out- its really common.

make sure meals are healthy and have less “bad” stuff available. If needs be prepare him more filling and protein based snacks.

I stopped buying sugary stuff for my kids and they have got back into the habit of having toast or porridge for snacks. I wasn't worried about their weight (only mine) but they are Jorge spending so much of their own money on crap I decided not to buy any for home. Your DH needs to understand that kids won't regulate their behaviour without a lot of help. Mine wouldn't have, they will demolish biscuits, boxes of cereal etc in a couple of days. They are aged 12 and 14 so I don't have much control over what they eat when they are out with their friends.

What you could do is just make sure meals are really unhealthy and the house isn't full of sweets and treats. And start doing some exercise together? Some places have a teen gym you could both attend or you could try something different like outdoor swimming or join borrow my doggy.

Yeah that’s how I feel. The kids eat really well - all home cooked food, plenty of salad and veg, wide diet. But this lad will also eat sugar all day if he’s let and I think it’s a problem having it around. DH says he will eat it when he’s out so might as well learn to live with it but I think we’re just adding to the issue. Thanks

He does lots of exercise and plays sport during term time so he’s very fit really. Cycles everywhere. It’s mostly food.

I found it helpful to talk about healthy choices

We've got the same issue OP only a couple of years down the road. I really would not rely on the hope that he will 'grow in to his weight' - DS hasn't.

I strongly disagree with your DH. Yes, ultimately your son will need to learn to regulate himself, but he is still a child and it is unrealistic to expect him to fully weight up the short term enjoyment he gets from sweet treats vs the long term risk to his health.

I feel your DH is being a bit unreasonable here, and not looking out for your son’s best interests.

If your DS is already spending pocket money on treats, plus getting treats on outings etc, then any treats kept in stock in the house are surplus to requirements! If you keep stocking plenty of treats in the house you are providing a situation where any extras your son eats at home are an overindulgence, which won’t do him any favours in the long term.

I do think you’re right to be cautious about bringing up your son’s weight with him. It’s a very sensitive age! I would try to focus on health rather than weight when you talk about food - eg ‘this is bad for your teeth’ ‘this has no vitamins in that would help you grow’. As others have said, it’s a normal age to put on a bit of weight and he will be aware of it already.

I would gently, but firmly, reduce the number of unhealthy snacks available in your home, and remind your DH that you have a better understanding of your son’s body type than he does. You obviously feel strongly about his future health and potential knock on effects of weight gain so your DH should be supporting you. You can’t control everything but the logic that he’ll do it outside the home so might as well buy crap for him to eat here is absolutely bonkers!

It sounds like you have other children OP, it will help if anything you do is consistent and not singling out your DS.

I agree with you - get rid of sweets and start talking about healthy food options and healthy living but not directly framed around weight. Does he like to cook? Cooking together could be good to support this.

As a pp said, lots of gyms do teen memberships and sessions do he might be interested in that.

Tough love, you can probably express positives about keeping a sensible weight, and DH should support you.

Yes we have a younger son who has inherited his fathers build and eats the same amount and stays rake thin! I think we will regulate the treats … thanks all

Do not bring it up.

its not uncommon for kids to be like this at this age, just before a height growth spurt where things even out.

I have 3 adult sons who all had similar phases and all went on to have healthy physiques and good relationships with food.

don’t make food a battleground.
It’s probably one of THE most destructive angles of parenting there is. What kids eat is often one of the only things they have any autonomy over at a stage where most of what they do is dictated by school or parents.

it will pass.

I wouldn't necessarily start by talking to him about his weight. But I would talk to him about the dangers of processed sugar. About how some people find it to be highly addictive and that we need to be extremely careful to monitor our processed sugar intake and make sure that our brain is in control not our cravings.

Do not bring it up with him, it could really mess up his relationship with food and trigger an eating disorder. Ignore your DH, reduce the sweet treats in the house.

I'd regulate the amount of unhealthy snacks in the house, however you may well find as puberty hits and he has a growth spurt his weight evens out.

I would use teeth as an excuse on why he needs to cut out the sugar.

DH comes from a family of beanpoles who can eat what they want though

They might be able to eat what they want without weight gain, but they should still be mindful of cholesterol, and the effects of an unhealthy diet on arteries, heart, liver etc. I have a relative with that build and now, in middle age, their liver is in a very bad way due to unhealthy lifestyle, though they are still rake thin.

I agree with pps that getting the whole family off the 'sweet treats' can only be a good thing. Make them an indulgence for high days and holidays rather than part of the weekly food shop.

Bring it up gently with him before his peers do.

He might be aware but not sure what to do.

As PPs have said he'll be aware of it already
The most important part of my own self-regulation is making sure those treats don't enter the house in the first place, you should help him as much as you can given he doesn't have the authority (as a teenager in his parents home) to control his own environment in that way

You are fighting a cultural norm here; there are sweets on every counter and people walking around eating them morning noon and night. I think it’s the first drug of choice and the bar is very low as to how young is too young for when a child is first offered one.
The only advice I could offer you is don’t let your child give up friendships with non gamers if at all possible. Gaming and sugar addiction is a deadly combination.
And stop buying junk. None of you need it, thin or otherwise.

It's the job of parents to set things up so their children can develop healthy habits. Kids will regulate their own dental care simply because there are toothbrushes in the house.

There's still so much for a 13 year old to learn. Your job is to work out what needs to happen and lead him. As you've suggested, offer only healthy foods at home and make sweets a occasional treats. Spend time together being active, walking etc, and limit his gaming. If he has a love of food get him cooking main meals that he likes, or learning about ingredients or styles of food he loves. Talk to him about nutrition. Some say sugar is addictive so you might consult a nutritionist as a family if you all eat a lot of treats in the house, but focus on healthy living, being active for enjoyment and feeling good. I would not mention weight or appearance, these are far less important or interesting issues to prioritize.

Simply giving him a talking to and expecting him to exercise willpower is unfair and unrealistic, as is leaving him to figure it all out for himself. Learning how to eat healthily, cook a few basic meals and not spend all of one's income on treats, are good lessons to learn between the ages of 13 and 18.

Talk to him about health and how too much sugar and junk food leads to diabetes and health problems. You can also educate him on the importance of vitamins and how we need the vitamins from a variety of fruit and veg for our bodies to work well.
I personally don't think there's anything wrong with bring weight into it it.
It's a fact of life that if you eat too much and do too little exercise, you'll start putting on weight.
There's no point in denying it and then it comes as a surprise.
But there's also no need to make a massive issue of it and keep reminding him every day either.

Regardless of anyone's weight why buy junk food that is bad for whoever eats it???

It’s a tricky one. We are so aware of creating eating disorders in our kids that we then go the other way and don’t mention if they’re getting a bit overweight. Saying that, my daughter was the same. In year 7 I was buying her 26 inch waist skirts, the year 11 skirts are 20 inches. It’s a funny age where they do seem to shoot up and their weight evens out. I just used to really limit junk in the house and refuse to give lifts unless it was raining or they were out late ! The 25 min walk to school in seniors really helped keep her fit and healthy.

I don't think you are unreasonable to stop buying sweet things. If they are not there, they cannot be eaten. TBH it works for me even now. If there is a bag of crips in the cupboard I will eat it. If I don't buy it I can resist the urge quite easily.

Just make it easy for him to make the right choices, rather than the wrong ones.