Mum thinks I should give more to my sister

[jumpingbean1810]

I recently changed my role and am fortunate to earn a good salary. My sister works in nhs and i now earn c. 3x more than she does. We are both single parents but I have 1 child, she has 4. Whenever our mum asks what I've been doing, where I'm going on holiday, she makes comments about what a shame it is that my sister can't afford to do the same and how I should remember not everyone is so fortunate. I treat my sister and her children, paying for days out, meals etc and flights for her and her eldest to go to Venice. I always feel guilty after speaking to my mum and feel I should give more to my sister (despite her being v proud and would never accept direct money as I've offered before and she's declined, thus treating when I can). Aibu by not trying to do more?

You shouldn’t need to give her anything. I’m appalled that your DM says that.

It's nothing to do with your mum
It's not your place to make things more equal with your sister

It sounds as though you do plenty for your sister and her family already. Your mum shouldn’t be getting involved. Given what you have said about your sister refusing to take money from you I suspect she’d be unhappy , possibly embarrassed that your mum is raising this with you at all.

It sounds like you're kind and generous. Maybe your mum doesn't know what you already do. Maybe she's projecting as she somehow feels guilty that she can't provide for your sister, or that she wishes she had encouraged another career path etc.

How do YOU feel? That's what matters.

Tell your Mum to help her out more! Sounds like you're doing plenty already.

Her choice to have four children. Your choice to have one.

What does your Mum do to help her out?

Yes, you're doing more than most would, already!

Tell your mother that you're doing what you feel is right and would rather not discuss this further. I'd be tempted to leave or cut the conversation short every time she brings it up. Maybe she'll learn that if she wants a relationship with you, she has to treat you with respect. Telling you how to spend your own money is the height of disrespect, imo.

No. You have made your life choices. She has made hers.

You're already going above and beyond to help your sister out, you don't need to do any more

Why should anyone fund anyone else’s life?

Your DM is batshit. Tell her to help DSis herself if this is how she feels

If your mum wants your sister to have more money she needs to be speaking to your sister about increasing her salary not making you feel guilty that you are earning more.

I would be quite offended if I was your sister. Tell her so she knows what your mum thinks of her.

So does your mum actually tell you to give your sister money / spend money on her?
Because you just said she tells you not everyone is as fortunate as you. Which you can point out without meaning they should give money - though it’s still bloody patronising!

Btw I work for the nhs too and am very aware that to earn more I need to leave and rethink my career.

Your mum needs to butt out and / or give your sister more money if it bothers her. No one made your sister have 4 children. It’s obvious that financially it will be tougher having 4 children, rather than 1. People have choices, even though they like to pretend they don’t

You can't do anymore if you've offered and she's declined.

She'll know that you're there for her if she is ever in desperate need.
It doesn't sound like it though and it's not really any of your mum's business.

If you wanted to do something more then a savings account for her DC, maybe as an 18th / 21st bday present might work.

I'll be blunt - has your sister always been your mum's favourite?

Maybe your mum is just thinking out loud about how she wishes your sister also had more disposable income rather than thinking it is your place to balance it or fix it for her. I am sure your mum is proud of your achievements and your sister pleased to have her 4 kids even if it does mean less opportunity to work/study and more expensive.

Perhaps she is saying to your sister "its a shame jumpingbean can't do xyz because of working so hard."

I have a lowish paid but rewarding job, three DC and can't easily afford holidays and treats. I would never expect my better off siblings to help me. We've made different life choices but I still have a happy life and I'm grateful for what I've got (which is more than many).

This is nothing to do with your DM and there's no reason to think your DS wants your help.

You are not responsible for your sister but it’s lovely to treat her if you can. What does your Mum do to support either of you?

What is your mum doing to support her/you? Nothing by any chance?

She's taking advantage. You don't have to give them anything if you didn't want too.

You & your sister seem to have come to your own arrangement which you are both comfortable with.

Your mum needs to recognise you're both adults & leave this subject alone.

DM is always trying to pay for stuff, drives sis up wall as makes her feel like she's not capable (she is). We both have a tense relationship with her as she's opinionated, v negative and treats us like children. although misguided comes from a place of concern. I have told her to stop comparing us but guess old habits die hard and as DM gets older she is becoming more unfiltered and I'm struggling to keep conversation civil.

Do not get sucked into your mothers fear, obligation guilt tripping cycle.

Just saw your last update. I think in that case, your and your sister need to present a united front and tell your Mum to back off! You're both adults and have made your own life decisions.

It’s very easy to spend other peoples money….

Your mum can sod off.