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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Friend commenting on other friends weight

31 replies

NojudgementMum · 23/07/2022 20:39

I’ve just noticed recently how some of my friend group are always talking about weight.

Not just agonising over their own weight (which they are all in the health range) but also commenting on other woman we know, even some friends.

A few of them comment about friends who have gained, and say it with a snigger.

Ive put on weight since having my babies and I know I’ve been discussed like this. It kinda makes me sick and feel like shit. I’be started avoiding these friends and made new kinder friends, but convos about weight always creep in.

Can I ask it is the norm in your own friendship groups to constantly criticise other friends weight? I just find it so disgusting and nasty!

AIBU for cutting out friends who speak like this?

OP posts:

Essexgalttc · 23/07/2022 20:49

It’s rude. I’ve got friends who are size 6 and friends who are size 26. Both are as beautiful to me as each other. I don’t think noticing someone has gained weight is an issue, but chatting about it is.

I had an ex friend comment on one of my best friends weight saying she’d be a fat bridesmaid. I was mortified that she’d say that about one of my other friends.

I wouldn’t have an issue if I drastically lost or gained weight in a short space of time and a friend would ask if everything was OK health wise.

These woman sound like immature children

YesterdaysTomorrow · 24/07/2022 06:27

No one like this would be a friend of mine.

MooPoo89 · 24/07/2022 07:09

I guess it’s rude but they’re probably just different people to you. It’s like people who diet a lot can’t stop talking about food. These friends of yours obviously think about weight/looks a lot so naturally conversation turns to that constantly.

MassiveSalad22 · 24/07/2022 07:12

YANBU. I have lots of friends and genuinely don’t think we ever talk about weight. Your friends sound like a boring and insecure bunch!

Festoonlights · 24/07/2022 07:14

I would not have ‘friends’ like this full stop. The first comment would be the last. I am not interested in spiteful sniggery friends - too high school abd shallow

Festoonlights · 24/07/2022 07:15

My friends and I never talk about weight, we discuss fitness sometimes briefly but never weight, and especially not someone else’s!!

Vallmo47 · 24/07/2022 07:21

In my experience it comes down to two things- maturity (so, what age are you all OP?) and insecurity. Some people can’t help themselves but to bring others down when they are feeling down about themselves. Clearly weight and appearance is important to them and they’re trying to make themselves feel better by noticing others flaws. I would make it clear to them that you find it in bad taste and that you won’t engage in such conversations. But I’d find it likely they start excluding you and they may also speak more about you if you do this. I wouldn’t be able to help myself though, they need to hear that they’re being bitchy.

justfiveminutes · 24/07/2022 07:24

My friends don't talk about weight.

Presumably they are equally judgy about other aspects of a person's appearance - clothes, hair etc?

Does it only bother you now as you have gained weight? If they are your friends, it didn't bother you before. Or maybe you didn't notice.

CrystalCoco · 24/07/2022 07:31

Nope, none of my friends talk about other people's weight.

My DH however, constantly comments on people's weight, I find it really unnecessary, to the point that it irritates me and we've had words over it several times. He struggles to maintain a healthy weight and I think he's a bit obsessed with weight / overweight and can't seem to help himself when he notices.

WomanHere · 24/07/2022 07:32

Not friends but I’ve had many office jobs where the main topic of conversation is weight, how other women look, slimming world, how many calories in certain foods etc. It is beyond tedious, thankfully my current team are not like this.

AllThatAndMore · 24/07/2022 07:40

My friends and I don’t talk about weight with each other . I have discussed my own weight one on one with my best friend though.

Augend23 · 24/07/2022 07:41

I have various friends who are overweight. I am also overweight.
Most of them seem fine - stable, fit and not disabled by their weight.
I also have one friend who has put on masses of weight over the last 3 ish years. She is exhausted by pulling her body around with her, she can't hold her own weight to get into the car without flumping down onto the suspension, and she is no longer prepared to walk for longer than about 10 minutes.

I've never discussed the weight of any of my other friends, but I have discussed her - we're worried about her as she's clearly being disabled by her weight, and appears to be in a spiral where things are getting worse and worse.

PamelaD00ve · 24/07/2022 07:48

We don't discuss other people or ourselves seriously. Someone might say "God, I ate so much on holiday, I need to lay off the cake for a few weeks" or something like that about themselves, but no one ever then comments on it or slags others off etc.

I don't think I could enjoy friendships like that. My mum always makes comments about women's weight, and never in a complimentary way. I find it quite draining to be around.

GoldenSpiral · 24/07/2022 07:50

I don't have friends like this, they sound horribly but also very small-minded and poor company.

MintJulia · 24/07/2022 08:04

No, we don't talk about weight, except for one conversation I can think of, about 4 years ago, between siblings about my SIL and that was with genuine concern,

Apart from anything else, it's very boring. Is that really all they can think of to talk about?

SquirrelFan · 24/07/2022 08:05

Nope, only ever discussed other friends' weight in a health context - someone had cancer and we remarked (not in front of her) that she couldn't really afford to lose any more weight. That is literally the only time I've ever heard anyone in my friendship group talk about someone else's weight. We do moan about our own, though!

FinallyHere · 24/07/2022 08:15

One friend, absolutely lovely in every way, just doesn't seem to understand that commenting in a congratulatory way isn't so different to commenting on 'putting on a few pounds'

I've tried to explain but she doesn't get it. I mostly blame the patriarchy

FinallyHere · 24/07/2022 08:16

that commenting in a congratulatory way

... on weight loss

Roselilly36 · 24/07/2022 08:16

It is just so rude to make personal comments about anyone’s appearance IMHO. I can’t stand it when people do this, shows a lack of manners.

crosbystillsandmash · 24/07/2022 08:17

Really rude, they don't sound like nice friends sadly.
I'm part of a close group of 4 female friends, 2 are definitely overweight, one who's not but convinced she is and then me.
We would never discuss one another's weight, we love and support one another and only ever build each other up.

BrandNewBicep · 24/07/2022 08:46

I feel like I must live in a parallel universe to everyone on here. I am currently losing weight and am enjoying all the lovely compliments - from family, friends and randoms in the coffee shop. I'm not offended by these personal comments. Would I be offended if they were commenting on my weight gain - yes of course.
I am fairly certain all my friends and acquaintances also love receiving positive comments.

justfiveminutes · 24/07/2022 09:22

BrandNewBicep · 24/07/2022 08:46

I agree. People I know who are working hard to lose weight all enjoy their efforts being noticed. When I lost some weight, I loved the compliments. I don't understand how a compliment can upset or offend someone really.

TheOrigRights · 24/07/2022 09:30

No it's not the norm, and your friends sound shallow and not really friends.

I only talk about weight as part of a conversation with people I trust e.g with running club friends who care about their health and performance and genuinely want advice or to share their insecurity.

In one friendship group one of the women is obese. The only person who mentions this is her eg when talking about her pregnancy and why she needed a certain level of care due to her high BMI. She presents it factually as part of the conversation.

My point - it is perfectly possible to discuss weight without offending or being bitchy.

I'm slim, and know who I can have a moan to if my jeans feel tight. They get it, it's not that I'm after the "oh but you don't need to lose weight" for attention, it's that I have the same issues as others.

Ponoka7 · 24/07/2022 09:59

I been yo-yo dieting for seven years (after a serious illness weight gain). The issue with commenting on my losses is it makes my weight the be all and end all of me. My weight doesn't change me as a person, a friend, a parent or grandmother. My fitness hasn't been compromised by my weight. If weight loss is an achievement then I've failed lots over seven years. I don't like the public judgement of women's physical appearance.

FinallyHere · 24/07/2022 10:14

don't understand how a compliment can upset or offend someone really.

I don't like people to pay any attention to my weight. It's none of their business. It's my business and my health. Nothing to do with them. I can't stop their thoughts, I would really appreciate it, if they didn't share those thoughts with me.

People who think my weight loss is to be compliment, are judging it. Judging is still having an opinion to which they have no business. Just because it's positive doesn't make it any less of a judgement.

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