To think couple's counseling doesn't work?

[vileta]

I've never met anyone who had couples counseling and it worked... I usually hear people used it and then got divorced. AIBU to think it doesn't work? Can I have some positive stories please?

We did before lockdown and thank God we did. Still happily married and about to celebrate our 15th wedding anniversary.

Because many goes to couples counselling when it is way to late. Not when its niggling and they are not fully talking. It's disaster zone ok lets try to patch it up with counselling.

Its not the counselling that's not working. its people seeking help too late.

We tried it within a year of meeting - should have been a sign that we weren't meant to be together. I just kept forgiving his anger issues. It will help both of you to see things more clearly and then you can make an informed decision xxx

Getting divorced isn’t always a bad thing and therapy isn’t always meant to keep incompatible or unhappy people together. Are you considering it or is this a general query?

It can work IF you go early enough and you both choose to make it work.

many couples don’t go until it’s past the point of saving. And/or one or other of the other one isn’t willing to do it properly.

Plus there are a lot of shit counsellors out there.

Worked for us, but we weren't on the brink of splitting when we went. We went when we found ourselves having the same arguments over and over and the resentment was starting to build. The marriage counsellor told us that there's more chance of success if you go sooner rather than later.

@Aria2015 and @Cherms I'm glad it worked for you! What sort of techniques do they use and how to find a good one?

We are not yet on the brick of splitting up but our relationships are in crisis after having a baby.

Recommend the 2 seasons of “Couples Therapy” on iPlayer - fascinating insight into the process with some couples who stayed together and some who split up.

I think you both have to want to go. We did separate counselling for 6 sessions then went into relationship counselling. First time was after dc1 as it was like a hand grenade in our relationship. Then went again when things were building up. Almost like a relationship spring clean.

It depends on what you mean by working tbh. Couples counselling helps to address issues in the relationship by providing a safe space to hear each other more clearly. For some it will help the couple find a more healthy dynamic, might improve communication skills or resolve conflict. For others the right decision will be to split. Not every relationship is meant to last forever and counselling won’t resolve fundamental differences in values or beliefs, it won’t cure the hurt from infidelity for example (though it can help couples find a way forward together).

Its a tool, not a magic wand.

Look for a psychoanalytic psychotherapist who works with couples. They will have had a long and thorough training and really know their stuff.

Anyone can call themselves a counsellor and I know of some who choose to work with couples with barely any training.

Although I concur with a PP that sometimes a good divorce is the best outcome really if that's where the relationship is heading.

@vileta

Or maybe it did work? Maybe the best outcome is not to persist with the marriage but end it? Maybe through therapy this fact is realised a lot sooner saving a lot of unecessary heartache?

Worked well for me and my OH. I would say many couples start the process too late. Go to therapy before resentment sets in, you both have to fully commit to it and try to hear what the other is saying. Also @Sparklybutold has a good point.

DH and I had couples counselling through Relate, 8 years ago, bout 18 months after having DD.

We both actively wanted our marriage to work so that was the focus of the sessions. Getting us talking, listening, making time for each other again.

Still married, 12 years this year.

Worked for me and DH. After our first child I struggled with some things and it turned me into a horrible person. Without it I would have had no idea and I would have walked out but glad we went and I got some perception.

@vileta having a baby is a common point to have relationship problems. It’s a huge change and the man often gets sidelined as mum focuses on the baby. Couple’s counselling can help you work through this and improve communication. With our therapist we both had some sessions on our own with them (at points in the process) as well as together.

We had marriage counselling after we moved back from Oz. Honestly, I was so close the divorcing him. That was in 2014. Still together with a better understanding of each other. It’s scary how we think the same things. We’ve got that connection back.

We were the same after having our first baby. The sessions give both of us a chance to talk and because it's in front of a stranger, you tend to stay more calm (or just get upset) but you don't shout or get heated like at home. Also, the person not doing the talking has to sit and listen because they know the counsellor will pull them up on it if they don't. So we found that it forced us to speak in a more calm way and also (most importantly), listen to each other. The pressure of a third person helped.

Then they give you worksheet type things that have different communication techniques and they encourage you to use them in the week to help you express yourselves in a way that is less likely to set each other off and to promote good listening. A lot of it is common sense, but common sense can go out the window when high emotions are at play. So it kind of makes you pause and speak more mindfully to each other.

Some weeks it felt like things were getting worse but the counsellor told us that was common but it's a good sign that you're essentially purging the built up resentments. We had about 8 sessions and it really did reset us and we've never let the resentments build up again.

When people divorce perhaps they tell you about the counselling to prove that they tried. When they stay together they might be more likely to keep it to themselves.

The turning point for me was when a divorced friend pointed out that divorce wasn’t the easy option out, it was a thousand times tougher than just sorting out the marriage. We had 2 sessions of couples counselling and we both realised that we needed to put more energy into the relationship, we are still together 10 years later.

I have considered if Dh should go.

A lot of couples who have been to successful counselling probably won't talk about it.

It's easy to disclose you've been through counselling when you've split but what happens behind closed doors etc.

Yes I think that’s so true that people don’t talk about it openly. They think if they tell people others will assume their marriage is on the rocks. We made a point of talking openly to our friends/family about it for that reason. There’s no shame in it, shows you care about your marriage and are emotionally intelligent enough to work on it.

I’m going to question the whole idea that ‘counselling works or doesn’t work’.

If one person or two have an issue they really want to deal with and seek out an appropriate and skilled person to help it’s likely to be beneficial. Going to counselling doesn’t work any more than going to physiotherapy doesn’t work. It’s the effort put in to listening, learning new ways of thinking and reacting and then maintaining that. It’s certainly not an easy fix by pitching up once a week.

Okay I see lots of positive inspiring stories! That's great and thank you for sharing. I agree that successful couples probably don't talk about it much. I'll try to find someone that we can talk to about our problems. Both DH and I are on board we want to reconnect so badly