To go to the festival?

[StripyTShirt]

"D"H has forbade me to go to a festival I have booked tickets for in September. He's saying if I go, he will leave me and I'm choosing it over my family.

For background, says he worries about me when I'm drinking. But won't listen to any compromise (I've said I won't drink) but he won't listen and talks over me just saying no.

AIBU to just go? It's not like I'm out clubbing every week, I work hard and take care of my family.

Is he otherwise controlling?

I wouldnt tolerate being told I couldn't do something.

This is impossible to reply properly to. On the one hand you’re saying DH is controlling, and I’m sure you’ll get a load of “he’s a prick” comments you’re looking for…

…but, can I ask why does he worry about you when you’re drinking?

do you have previous form for incidents of endangerment or illness that have happened when you’re drunk?

I would tolerate being told it if I had previous form for being very ill or endangering myself

the problem with most British folk is that so many refuse to be told when they’re wrong

No he says that he doesn't trust me when I've been drinking, like I would cheat on him or something. I don't drink very often but do like a drink when I go out.

@SavoirFlair

I'm an adult. My partner is my partner. Not my parent.

He can advise, give an opinion

He can't forbid or tell me what to do.

Tricky - I can't judge without knowing a) whether you have a drink problem, b) whether you have form for excessive or selfish behaviour when drinking that impacts DH and the children and c) what he actually said.

If he said "I forbid it - you are not to go to the festival, and that's my final word as head of the household" then YANBU.

If he said "Look, I can't take another of your benders, if you do this again I'm out" then he's entirely within his rights to enforce his personal boundaries, and YABU.

have you got form for saying you won't drink then drinking anyway?
Have you got form for being unfaithful when you are drunk?

Ooo tricky - how often do you drink? Do you drink to get paralytic? Do you do dangerous things when drink? Does it impact your family life / DC when it happens (e.g too hungover the day after to do planned family activities)? Do you black out and not contact him when drunk?

Tbh without knowing that and probably more it's hard to say!

If he's uncomfortable with your drinking due to issues when you're drunk, then he's well within his rights to have that as a boundary imo.

It depends - did you discuss the festival as a couple before booking? Was it previously agreed and now he's going back on this to be controlling? Hard to know with such little info 🤷🏻‍♀️

Fucksake

Yeah

Its more likely the op is a cheating binge drinker who causes riots everywhere she goes than her oH being a controlling abuser.

@yonce

Why would she need to discuss it prior to booking?

She doesn't need his permission

Exactly.

Never get paralytic
Never been unfaithful
Never impacts on my children
Never drink in the house
Always keep in contact with him

It was booked last year and it's a festival I have been to every year since it started and he's never told me I couldn't go before.

Is this a reverse?

Tbh with that further background then yes he does really sound UR! If there's genuinely no dubious background then it's a really weird reaction from him and definitely controlling!

Because in a partnership you talk to each other when booking things that'll have an impact on each other? 🤷🏻‍♀️

he's never told me I couldn't go before.

Has he every been controlling before?

@yonce.

huh.

ive never once discussed a night out or weekend away with my oh prior to booking.

Its not really anything to do with him.

Is this a reverse? The “I work hard and look after my family” bit sounds like something a man would say (not because women don’t work hard or look after their families, but because it’s just kind of assumed we do!)

either way, with no track record of cheating, staying in touch while your away, etc, YANBU.

Get a good solicitor. Now.

Then make it clear you understand his position, but you are an adult who is perfectly capable of making your own decisions in life and will be going to a festival with your friends. If he can't cope with being married to an independent woman that he can't control and treat like a second class person in his marriage, then he needs to go.

And because there is a big difference between discussing something - because you both need to make sure the arrangements work (“I'd like to go to X, the third weekend in August - are you working then?”), and asking permission.

Sounds to me like he's just looking for an excuse to make you the bad guy for breaking up the marriage.

Well, if he leaves, you get to go to any festivals you want as long as it's either on his contact weekends or you can ask somebody else to cover when he inevitably refuses to parent them. And it's none of his business if you do hook up with anyone else as he's the one who wanted to end the relationship in the first place.

Sounds like a win for you - parenting, regular breaks, getting to go out without somebody treating you as though you're a barely housetrained animal on heat and some child support as well. Oh, and he gets to learn that he isn't the master of you.

Eh? You've never ever just checked with your partner before booking something?

If I'm booking a weekend away of course I'll either say something / message my DH, just checking there's no plans and it's all okay - he extends me the same courtesy.

I'd be annoyed if my DH just booked weekends away without mentioning it to me. It's polite to check with someone if it impacts them surely?

There have been a few cultural issues through the years but he has never forbade me to go anywhere before.

I didn't discuss with him before I booked because I always go and it doesn't impact on him anyway as my children go to my mums for the night. I booked it with my own money so not impacting on bills/ family finances.

Not a reverse and I am definitely a woman.

I would just go tbh.