To be frustrated with all of the anxiety I’m surrounded by?

[Biggedybongbing]

Yes this is a name change as I expect i will be flamed for this.

I’m in my 40’s, I have a pretty tight friendship group of around 5 couples that DH and I are part of. We don’t get to do nearly as much together these days as we did when we were younger but we still try and socialise as often as we can. Except it’s getting more difficult because virtually everyone seems to have anxiety about something or other. Anxiety about crowds, anxiety about unfamiliar situations, anxiety about travelling, anxiety about leaving the dog.

These are professional adults. Am I unreasonable to be utterly bored with this excuse of anxiety to not do stuff. Even the things we do manage to do together provokes a long discussion while at said event about how their anxiety almost prevented them from attending/made the run in difficult as they were so anxious.

i know talking about mental health is a good thing. But how come virtually every single adult I know in close quarters now seems to have a MH condition? It’s wearing.

im not saying I never get nervous about stuff, of course I do, but surely that’s normal, it’s not anxiety?

im just becoming frustrated about never being able to suggest things like concerts, dinner, the cinema without having to take multiple anxieties into account and eventually agreeing to a few drinks in someone’s house purely to actually see these people that i really do love.

YANBU. The worst thing you can do for anxiety, in my experience, is indulge it and feed it by avoiding doing things. Far better to get on with it.

The phrase 'my anxiety' puts my teeth on edge. Being anxious is a normal part of the human experience, but it's pathologised to such an extent now. There are people with genuinely extreme anxiety but they are far rarer than those who use it as an excuse to get out of things they don't want to do.

How awful for you OP. My heart bleeds 🙄

Sounds like your friends need a better friend!

i am lucky enough to suffer from anxiety. Medication and therapy have it a lot better and I am more able to push beyond my comfort zone - but only with people who understand and are empathetic.

When everyone has anxiety, is it even anxiety anymore or just normal?...

I know what you mean. I have 2 friends with diagnosed anxiety disorders and I feel sorry for them because everyone claiming anxiety is watering down the seriousness of the issues people with anxiety face.

It's now like the "bit of ocd" when you like things tidy

I expected responses like the last two and understand them. But is it not even a little bit understandable that the minority of us who don’t suffer from anxiety become a little frustrated that seemingly everyone else does and have to be worked around?!

But OP, do they describe it as a mental health condition or is that how you've phrased it? Surely the couple who have "anxiety about leaving the dog" (in your wording) just don't like leaving the dog? Not a mental health condition, more a personal choice?

@Bubblebubblebah as far as I am aware none of my friends are diagnosed with anxiety. I appreciate there may be information I am not acquainted with of course. But is it wrong to think, seek help, try and live your life to the fullest rather than shrinking it down to the bare minimum so as not to ever feel nervous again - which is a normal human emotion!

I am not denying severe anxiety exists and is debilitating. I just don’t believe everyone I know has it.

OP, I get you. I've lost of couple of friends to extreme COVID anxiety and it's frustrating. Not least because the people themselves won't do the thing they need to do to get a grip on the problem. They need to log off social media and stop doomscrolling scary news.

Many people have had a really traumatic couple of years, OP. Maybe not you, and maybe not your friends, but it's no surprise that it's had an impact.

Well it's part of the human condition to get anxious. You don't sound terribly understanding. What do you want them to do? Change who they are? People very rarely change.

@CantaloupeMelon yes perhaps that wasn’t the best example. But that particular couple mention frequently how anxious they are about leaving the dog and it is used as a reason to cut short evenings or ensure everyone goes to them. That’s not their only anxiety though, they’re anxious about other things as well as the dog.

Probably best not to rely on friends for entertainment. I get to do and enjoy a lot more when I don't rely on other people, I'm more than happy to do stuff on my own or with DH. It's definitely a case of CBA round here!

people in here constantly bemoan not having friends, but quite frankly I've long ago lost faith in group friendships and stick on 1 or 2 max individuals who I know won't mess me about or make up flakey excuses. If friends have genuine debilitating anxiety, it wouldn't just come out as an excuse to wriggle out of a social event, you'd know about it a lot before that in general conversation (if they're friends and not just acquaintances.)

I understand what you're saying OP.

I think so many people now claim 'anxiety' about anything and everything that it's minimising people who genuinely do suffer from debilitating anxiety, in the same way that 'gaslighting' has recently become the go-to description for any poor behaviour in a relationship and minimises the awful consequences of actual gaslighting.

Look at how many memes and TikTok's and whatnot there are about 'my anxiety' - I'd lay money on none of them being created by people who actually suffer from anxiety.

Feeling anxious (to a reasonable degree) is a perfectly normal human emotion to be felt and overcome, not a blanket reason to be excused from anything a bit tricky.

I’d say they have anxiety if their concerns are so bad that they can’t go to the cinema or a concert.

Almost every poster on here seems to have anxiety. Much apparently self-diagnosed. I have suffered with a specific form of anxiety myself so am not dismissive of MH concerns (sought therapeutic talking treatments for it and have it well in hand now) but on here it often seems to be trotted out as an attempt to deflect criticism or an an excuse for not executing any sort of change being a drip.

To be clear 'getting anxious' and 'having anxiety' are very different. Everyone gets anxious, it's a normal human reaction. A diagnosed anxiety condition is very different and affects your ability to manage day to day life or very specific triggers/events. I highly doubt your friends are having heart palpitations and struggling to breathe, for example, because they have to leave the dog. YANBU, OP.

Feeling anxious is completely normal, and your friends just need to get on with their lives as normal. Fair enough if someone is genuinely mentally unwell, but this just sounds like laziness and self-indulgence.
If they aren't willing/able to overcome their concerns then just carry on without them & maybe find some new friends!

I agree. I have anxiety, only a recent thing. Last year I had a break down, I was incredibly anxious and spent months with a racing heart, unable to eat, and felt full of fear more or less 24/7. I had an episode a few months ago, my heart rate was up in the 150s lying in bed. It was awful. I also get a bit anxious going to new places, going to a cafe to order my drink etc, but its a totally different level of anxiety. I dont really have any answers for you OP. I never really understood anxiety until last year. All I can say is I wouldn't wish it on my worse enemy.

It is unusual for so many people in a friend group to suffer with anxiety to this extent, and I do say suffer because it is clearly negatively affecting their lives. I don’t think it’s excuses, laziness or self-indulgence. Nobody ~wants~ to be so stricken by anxiety that they can’t go out and do “normal” type activities, and it would be pretty weird for someone to feign a stigmatised condition to get out of socialising.

Either your friends are making excuses to avoid doing things with you, or they trust you enough to confide in you about something quite sensitive and personal. Assuming it’s the latter, it’s not to be taken lightly. But equally, if you don’t feel like dealing with it any more, that’s your prerogative. Your opinion on the situation isn’t going to change their reality. If you want things to change, the only thing you can really do is support your friends and maybe encourage them to get professional help.

I knew you'd get a battering. I feel the same OP. All my closest friends have anxiety. And the next level down of friends also have more anxiety and concern more than I do. I am the polar opposite. I feel alone, i can't stand it. Any advice or suggestions, or counselling or GP isn't acted on. It's quite isolating if you don't suffer from anxiety.

I hate that 'I have anxiety' phrase. You probably don't. Your just worried about it.

Maybe as your group of friends has grown older they've just stopped doing things they don't like?

Don't like leaving the dog- so don't. Don't like travelling- so don't. Don't like busy places- don't go to them. Maybe saying no is making them much happier. They have to explain it to you somehow so they say they are anxious about it to cover not liking it. Maybe your friends think that being open about preferring their dog to you would be rude and being anxious about leaving him sounds better.

If your friends don't want to do the same things as you anymore find some different people to socialise with.

If it was not anxiety it would be something else. Impossible to get groups people agree to all do same thing.
I suggest if there is a concert you want to go to buy tickets for yourself& husband, send message we going to X on such a day. If others want to go too they can. Same you may get message about drinks in a garden go if you want don't if not your thing.
Simple all round no pressure on people

@853ax I get that. But surely the point of friendships is you do stuff together or how else do you maintain friendships? I love my friends and like spending time with them. They seem to enjoy spending time with me as well. But always on their terms to cater to their anxieties. Everyone just seems so insular and incapable of normal life.

OP I have been on meds for anxiety and depression for decades. I am obviously sympathetic to people who have it! But equally I can see how hard it is to be surrounded by it. When I was most ill, a couple of people offered to have me stay with them and I partly said no because I didn’t want to be a burden.

my family and friends have had to go through phases where they only see me in my home and we don’t do other stuff. I do think if you are genuinely close with someone, that will be enough for a friendship to last. I appreciate that you might feel differently. I also see that they might be confusing anxiety with not wanting to do certain things, but if they don’t want to, you have to accept that.

confusingly I think people use the wrong words a lot of the time so maybe they are not anxious and just a wee bit stressed about leaving the dog.