To be frustrated with all of the anxiety I’m surrounded by?

[Biggedybongbing]

Yes this is a name change as I expect i will be flamed for this.

I’m in my 40’s, I have a pretty tight friendship group of around 5 couples that DH and I are part of. We don’t get to do nearly as much together these days as we did when we were younger but we still try and socialise as often as we can. Except it’s getting more difficult because virtually everyone seems to have anxiety about something or other. Anxiety about crowds, anxiety about unfamiliar situations, anxiety about travelling, anxiety about leaving the dog.

These are professional adults. Am I unreasonable to be utterly bored with this excuse of anxiety to not do stuff. Even the things we do manage to do together provokes a long discussion while at said event about how their anxiety almost prevented them from attending/made the run in difficult as they were so anxious.

i know talking about mental health is a good thing. But how come virtually every single adult I know in close quarters now seems to have a MH condition? It’s wearing.

im not saying I never get nervous about stuff, of course I do, but surely that’s normal, it’s not anxiety?

im just becoming frustrated about never being able to suggest things like concerts, dinner, the cinema without having to take multiple anxieties into account and eventually agreeing to a few drinks in someone’s house purely to actually see these people that i really do love.

• for years

I find people are saying they have anxiety about things that they are anxious about and it’s not the same thing. E.g ‘I’ve got really bad anxiety about my job interview’. No, you are nervous and anxious about the interview. Once the interview is over you’ll be fine again. Actually having and living with anxiety is very different. For the last 18 months mine has only been controlled by medication.

I get you, OP.
With my group of friends it's "burnout." Nobody is ever just tired and stressed with work any more, it has to be "burnout."

It seems to belittle the people who genuinely do suffer with anxiety, or indeed with burnout, when the terms are bandied around by those who've just had a bad day.

I can see your point OP. I believe a lot of people are on a bandwagon but as the poster above states, genuine anxiety is appalling and like her, I had no idea until I couldn't get help from the NHS for an ongoing condition that I knew I had and have since proved I have but my GP would not acknowledge. I've lost my job as a result and have fallen into the pits of despair when normally I'm as hard as nails.

I am genuinely changed as a person from what went on as it was over a protracted period and I have a host of other physical issues arising as a result in the delay of my treatment. I now need several surgeries to put me right and I may never regain my health. I feel overwhelmed some days and want to end it all.

Why does it matter what they call it? They don’t want to go out. Whether they are uncomfortable or worried or have an anxiety disorder, they don’t owe you a medical certificate or “a valid reason”.

You all need new, like-minded friends - you need other impatient and judgmental pals and they need people who care about each other.

You all need new, like-minded friends - you need other impatient and judgmental pals and they need people who care about each other.

Perfectly put.

I do agree that some people don’t understand that there’s a difference between anxiety and feeling anxious. One is entirely natural and necessary, the other is completely debilitating.

I’ve recently come to accept that I’m an introvert. I was putting myself through social situations like you mention and although I loved the people dearly, found them such hard work. We live in a world catered for the more extroverted and I’ve learnt now to just be honest with people upfront. With anxiety, comfort zones should be challenged but otherwise I consider I just have better boundaries for myself.

Maybe your friends are closet introverts? 😆 Who’d just prefer a drink/natter at home with you. If not, yes I think you need to weigh up what the friendships are worth to you. Either way, it’s unfair to expect them to push out and unfair of them to expect you to close in.

Whether it's anxiousness or anxiety - there's a lot of stressful stuff on social media, in the news, definitely on here.

There's a lot to be said for a social media / news break.

I hope your friends are getting the help they need, even if it's just that they need a holiday from the doom scrolling.

Spending time with people doesn't necessarily mean specific activities, however- often it's just chatting. I wonder if you want a social life somewhat similar to that of (many) teenagers/ young adults, who enjoy an energetic round of activities, and that your friends now prefer a slower pace and have more restrictions? This may be frustrating, but I don't think you should blame people for being 'insular' if they do things differently from you. Supposing that some or all of your friends were restricted by physical health problems; or had caring responsibilities for people as well as dogs; or couldn't afford some of these activities on a regular basis?

This

The OP is right it now seems everyone has anxiety now. Most of our youngsters now suffer from anxiety so cantwork or attend interviews, have anxiety for this and that and will just prefer to stay home playing games all day.

Yes MH is real and should be supported but it now feels like a label and badge Of honor. You interview someone and he she starts with their mental health during the first interview.

Some people have proper diagnosed anxiety, lots of people have just jumped on an anxiety bandwagon but are very defensive about their bandwagon jumping even though it diminishes the issues of the people with genuine anxiety.

And to clarify there are people with true anxiety but many are just labelling and jumping on the trend and this minimizes people with true anxiety.

Bit of a sidebar but in case it relates with OP

I note quite a few posters saying to challenge comfort zones. What I find with anxiety is that even with meds, it's a daily battle to work, commute, caring duties etc.

So it's partly the constant challenge of daily life that leads to me restricting things in other ways. There's only so much I can do.

Again, this may or may not apply depending on how serious OP friends' issues are. But I do agree many people are claiming anxiety now and probably a lot of us old school types try to keep it private.

Because you have suffered from anxiety since 10 does not mean many of the people clamoring to have anxiety truly don’t. Her point is yes there are people who truly suffer from anxiety but now many people also use is as a label and claim they have anxiety when they don’t.

I am on your side, OP. The word is overused.

I think many of these people should try quitting alcohol and caffeine. The rise in alcohol use during the pandemic is well-documented, and of course many alcoholic beverages have been increasing in strength as well as availability for at home consumption for years. I notice this with caffeine, too- energy drinks, as well as newer "coffee bore" techniques resulting in stronger brews, and the increasing popularity of PG Tips Extra Strong and Yorkshire Tea and the like. I don't know why the link between these substances and anxiety is not more widely discussed.

@user1471452428 there will undoubtedly be people with anxiety who self medicate with alcohol or other substances, or for whom these substances have a detrimental effect on their anxiety. But I developed anxiety at a time where I barely drunk due to an extremely demanding and unreasonable job that was the actual cause of my anxiety. Some employers have a lot to answer for.

What solutions are the people with anxiety trying? What is their GP recommending? Self care (self help course) and medication ( AD's).

If for any reason someone doesn't participate in the friendship, once you've asked about their welfare and offered help, generally your only option is to find new friendships?

I completely know what you're talking about OP. I am an anxiety sufferer myself but I do try and take responsibility for my mental health and help myself as well, so therefore I do try and make an effort towards friends or social events, even though I don't necessarily want to do it. Don't know what the answer is really but maybe perhaps broaden your friendship group?

I agree. I don’t really see why it matters what language they use - ‘I have anxiety about leaving the dog’ and ‘I feel anxious about leaving the dog’ come to the same thing i.e. the prospect of leaving the dog is having a negative impact on me and I don’t want to do it.

I agree. I don’t really see why it matters what language they use - ‘I have anxiety about leaving the dog’ and ‘I feel anxious about leaving the dog’ come to the same thing i.e. the prospect of leaving the dog is having a negative impact on me and I don’t want to do it.

Friendship has to work both ways. Op has said she gets fed up of only having to go to theirs because of the anxiety around the dog. Which she does because she cares about them.
I agree Op needs new friends. Better ones who put themselves out for her too. I think they do her a “valid reason” if she is doing all the heavy lifting in the friendship. Q

I agree OP that a lot of ‘I have anxiety..’ is basically used instead of ‘I don’t want to….’

I also think that saying you have ‘anxiety’ about leaving a dog is an insult to the people who have an actual anxiety disorder, which impacts their ability to leave the house, hold down a job and basically lead a normal life. Completely different.

I know they’re long-term friends but I’d be giving up on making too much effort and investing my time in new ones.

I honestly think that whether you call it 'anxiety', 'tiredness', 'time and money constraints', 'other commitments' or 'different tastes' is not so important here. 'Anxiety' doesn't always mean a mental health disorder, and is often used in other ways. The point is that OP wants a particular range of leisure activities, and her friends, at least as a group, are unable or unwilling to commit to this range of activities. It's not that they don't want to see her or even (at least from her description) that she always has to be the one proposing the meetings. It's that they tend to prefer 'a few drinks in someone’s house' to wider-ranging activities, and she finds this unsatisfactory.

I don't think either is right or wrong as such. I do think that OP has to decide whether it's more important to meet up regularly with these particular friends, or to engage regularly in her preferred activities. If the latter, then she should try to find new friends who enjoy the same things as she does. She could do a bit of both: continue to meet her group of friends, but less often, and do other activities with different people. But I don't think it's fair to dismiss those with different and less adventurous preferences as 'insular' and 'not leading a normal life' or to regard them as simply 'making excuses not to do stuff' (it's not their duty to engage in her preferred activities, and if they are making excuses, this implies that she may be, perhaps unintentionally, exerting too much pressure).

I agree and didn't mean to imply there aren't other causes as well as debilitating anxiety seemingly without cause. I just wish more people with borderline or self-diagnosed anxiety would try cutting down on these substances.