Aibu to say that there is something fishy about this reaction?

[Lurkerwithnewusername]

A few weeks ago I was at a colleagues house warming party. One of the seniors is leaving so we decided to message an ex colleague to let him know that a position would be available soon and that he would be perfect for it. The ex colleague is gay. I mentioned it to DH and he was raging that I had messaged another man. All a bit odd but I put it down to him having a bad day. Last night was another works night out. I got a lift home with a female colleague and a male colleague. Male colleague is in a happy ltr with a baby on the way. DH knows this. Both of these colleagues live in my area and no one was drunk. DH is raging that I travelled home with a male. He isn't talking to me. We were alone for approx 1 minute after dropping off female colleague. It would have been extremely odd for me to get a taxi myself when we all live so close. Not to mention more dangerous for me to be standing at an empty taxi rank myself at night. I have never given him a reason to distrust me. I have never cheated and never had any dodgy messaging with anyone. My relationship with DH isn't always perfect but I thought we were happy.

This weird distrust is a new thing. I can't remember reactions like this for him before. Aibu to put this down to him being fake angry due to his own guilt about his behaviour? And what are my next steps? He will never, ever admit to anything if he has had an affair/ons.

Very weird behaviour if Vegas need er been like this before . Has his behaviour changed in any way ?

If its a new pattern then I'd start to query. In my experience its a projection.....its like judging you by their own standards of behaviour.

For him to go from "a bit crap" to "raging jealous" I suspect he is projecting. He is the one considering, or having, the affair. He's getting away with it, highlighting how simple it is, and thus is taking it out on you.

Or he's just always been a nob.

This is totally new behaviour from him. I've never noticed any jealousy before.

His general behaviour hasn't changed. He works erratic shifts that often run late but this isn't a new thing.

My mam used to say evil thinkers are evil doers!

This.

Cheaters often project on to their partners.
Any chance he's cheating?

That's what I'm thinking. I can't see any other reason for his over the top and ridiculous response.

There's a post somewhere called 'the cheating script' which I couldn't find, but found this instead. I hope he's not cheating but a sudden drastic change in behaviour isn't a good sign.

www.emotionalaffair.org/the-cheating-spouse-follows-a-script/

Projection ?

100% he is projecting.

That's my gut feeling unfortunately

Either projecting or something physically wrong with him?

Does he have any depression or headaches or other symptoms?

Also, sounds odd but the latest variant of Covid is meant to make you irritable…

Or he is creating an “issue” in order to justify in his own mind what he is about to do, or has already done?

Unless there are cultural issues here and being alone with a man you don’t know well in a car is frowned upon?

I don't think there is anything physically wrong with him. He hasn't mentioned anything. He would usually complain if he was feeling unwell. Definitely no cultural issues either.

Yeah, he's up to something OP. Do some digging.

Have you asked him why he's suddenly started this nonsense?

Not yet. I thought it was best to have a proper think about how I was going to handle the situation before I reacted. I'd imagine he would just deny and deflect back onto me.

If this is new behaviour then yes he is definitely projecting unfortunately.

This is the second time it’s happened now and I don’t know why you’re allowing him to get away with it.

He’s either controlling or projecting (in this case projecting) so why are you staying with him?

If you know he wouldn't admit it, don't let him know you suspect. It'll just give him opportunity to double down on security and hide or delete any potential evidence. Do your investigations quietly.

The first time I put it down to him having a bad day. He apologised eventually and I thought that was that.

The second time was only this morning so it's not much time to figure out the best way to approach this. Which is why I came on here. I'm not allowing him to get away with anything. I'm getting my thoughts together to make sure I get it right and he doesn't have a chance to cover his tracks.

🚩

I have playfully danced with a colleague at a Christmas party (it was a goofy song) Both very happy in our relationships and both partners present who didn’t care. Being in a secure relationship should mean you trust your partner. He’s being very unreasonable!!

The second time was only this morning so it's not much time to figure out the best way to approach this.

That’s fair enough.

I can’t ever imagine a man telling me I can’t be around a male friend and me not immediately ending the relationship but I guess in RL it’s such a shock that you need time to process it.

What are you going to do now?

I think I was just in complete shock that he had a problem with this so I told him not to be ridiculous and I wouldn't be apologising. He then went to work.

The more time I've had to think about it and with the replies on here I'm 99% sure he's projecting. A spontaneous confrontation with no proof isn't going to cut it. The plan is to bide my time and get some concrete proof that he cannot deny.

Then get him to fuck.

It probably projecting, but I do remember when I was generally unhappy in my marriage, almost wishing that it was worse/DH would do something awful, so that I could leave without being the bad guy. So it could be something like that? He's hoping you're up to no good?