Aibu to say that there is something fishy about this reaction?

[Lurkerwithnewusername]

A few weeks ago I was at a colleagues house warming party. One of the seniors is leaving so we decided to message an ex colleague to let him know that a position would be available soon and that he would be perfect for it. The ex colleague is gay. I mentioned it to DH and he was raging that I had messaged another man. All a bit odd but I put it down to him having a bad day. Last night was another works night out. I got a lift home with a female colleague and a male colleague. Male colleague is in a happy ltr with a baby on the way. DH knows this. Both of these colleagues live in my area and no one was drunk. DH is raging that I travelled home with a male. He isn't talking to me. We were alone for approx 1 minute after dropping off female colleague. It would have been extremely odd for me to get a taxi myself when we all live so close. Not to mention more dangerous for me to be standing at an empty taxi rank myself at night. I have never given him a reason to distrust me. I have never cheated and never had any dodgy messaging with anyone. My relationship with DH isn't always perfect but I thought we were happy.

This weird distrust is a new thing. I can't remember reactions like this for him before. Aibu to put this down to him being fake angry due to his own guilt about his behaviour? And what are my next steps? He will never, ever admit to anything if he has had an affair/ons.

Why mess about? You don't appear to be in a happy relationship, so why don't you just leave?

I thought we were happy. I put the first time down to him being a bit grumpy that day.

I completely understand where you're coming from but I know DH and I know this is the best way to handle this.

Hmm, I'd be suspicious too but, for your sake, if you thought you were both happy enough, I hope we are all wrong about him. Good luck.

The more time I've had to think about it and with the replies on here I'm 99% sure he's projecting. A spontaneous confrontation with no proof isn't going to cut it. The plan is to bide my time and get some concrete proof that he cannot deny.

Do some digging and then if you have proof engineer a situation where you message/get a lift with a man. Then when he goes ballistic reply calmly 'I don't know what you're getting up to with her whoever she is, but I'm not getting up to anything'.

Well that's what I'd like to think I'd say. I know it's different when it's your life.

Odd behaviour! I’m guessing he’s the one behaving badly. Sorry OP

OP, you say, He will never, ever admit to anything if he has had an affair/ons - do you know if ever has cheated?

Not that I know of and I've had no reason before now to suspect anything different.

I know what he's like and I know that he would rather make me look like the bad guy than hold his hands up and admit he had caused anything.

That alone is enough reason not to be with him, never mind any potential cheating.

I think you are being very wise biding your time op. Don’t be rushed in to anything and start observing his actions quietly. Good luck

Thank you. You've all been very helpful

He is either cheating himself and projecting or until now he has managed to hide his controlling and insecure nature.

Either way this is not a good sign and his behaviour is not acceptable.

Take your time, op. You don’t sound behind the door.

Why waste your time, you don't sound like you're happy anyway, and mither does your partner. What if you can't find evidence, what if it takes weeks, months, years etc (if he even is), is it really worth wasting your time?????

I thought we were both happy and that the first incident was just a grumpy one off.

I want to take the time to make sure that I know why this is happening. It's going to take time to sort things out like the DC and the house anyway. I couldn't just up and leave. That is what is best for me and will give me the best peace of mind.

My ex-husband accused me of all sorts when he was having an affair. Literally projected his own behaviour onto me. He found a number he couldn't identify on a phone bill and grilled me for hours about it. He rang a colleague I'd had an innocent joke with via text and said "that is MY WIFE you're talking to". It was weird. Now I know why 🤷🏻‍♀️

You absolute Queen. You've got this and you'll be fine 💅

He is absolutely cheating. The projection is a dead giveaway.

Thank you TheFormidableMrsC.

I really appreciate everyone taking the time to reply. It's really helped me to stop doubting my gut feelings on all of this.

Urgh I can’t stand jelousy from partners. I couldn’t deal with that. Sounds like he’s judging you by his own low standards!

IF he's cheating, and IF it's just random grotty fucks wherever he can get them, having a scout for him on Fab Swingers isn't a bad idea. It's where all the scuzzy married men hang out trying to catch a bite. Do a search of 5 or 10 mile radius of your home and his work roughly matching his age etc. Most of them are too dumb to make sure they wouldn't come up on this sort of search.

IF he's cheating, and IF it's just with one lucky winner instead of indiscriminate shagging, I don't know what your best strategy is. Do you have any of the shared location whatsits? Any mentionitis going on?

It seems odd to me that you are in a happy relationship, but willing to bin the whole thing off after just these 2 incidents. You seem absolutely convinced that this means he's guilty (supported by a whole lot of hypothetical from people who know neither of you from Adam)! I wonder if you are actually just looking for a 'reason' to end it?! If you are so convinced then surely you don't need evidence, you just need to say "I don't trust you so don't want to be in a relationship anymore"...

I came here for advice because I wasn't sure. I'm not looking for a reason to end it at all. I just don't think his reaction is normal and it's certainly out of character for him. I need evidence for my own peace of mind. I don't want to keep thinking 'what if I was wrong?' That's maybe not what everyone would do but I know myself and I need it. 4

Then get him to sleep with you? I was with you until you said that

@ThePumpkinPatch you completely misunderstood what she said there. She meant it in terms of 'get to fuck' as in get rid of him.

He could be projecting and hiding something himself.

Or he could have pathological jealousy.

Has he been cheated on in a previous relationship?