I want affection and being told I'm using sex as a weapon

[cattycatty12]

My baby is 8 weeks old and the last week my partner and I had sex twice. I'm not feeling great about how I'm looking at the moment as I have a baby tummy still and I feel it's huge.

My other half and I had an argument last night/today and he brought up that I'm not in to sex much.

I explained (which I've already done over the past few weeks) that despite telling him that I want sex I am feeling very self conscious because of my belly and that stops me.

On top of that, I explained that there's not much affection between us in the day and that's what I find sexy. I'm way more turned on and want sex when we are happy with each other and kiss throughout the day, affectionate throughout the day.

Now he's accused me of using sex as a weapon?! AIBU to want the affection etc first?!

Yanbu he is a cunt.

Not surprised you’re not into sex 8 weeks after having a baby and being pestered by Jay from the Inbetweeners.

You’ve told him that physical affection that doesn’t lead to sex is important to you and he’s moaning about that? Thick twat.

Tell him to treat himself to lots of wanks until he’s grown up and stopped being a sex bore.

He's the one using sex as a weapon. What a nasty, abusive piece of shit.

He does remember you just gave birth a mere 8 weeks ago, right?! You must be shattered and not exactly feeling your best physically.

He obviously lacks any empathy or understanding or what this all means.

He's disgusting. You don't try and emotionally blackmail someone youre supposed to love, who has very recently given birth, into sex.

YANBU in the slightest.
I'm sorry he's being like this.

That's DARVO:

Deny
Attack
Reverse
Victim and
Offender

Abuse usually ramps up after women have babies.

@Ohsugarhoneyicetea never heard of Darvo? What does that all mean - what he's doing? What I'm doing?

He should be thinking himself lucky he's getting any sex 8 weeks after you've given birth! My husband had to wait 6 months, no way was i having sex whrn i was breastfeeding! Most og my friends didn't have sex again for at least 4 months after baby was born.

And i dont think wanting some affection in the day is unreasonable

He's lucky he's had any sex at all 8 weeks after a baby.

He needs to wise up, pay attention to you and the baby and then maybe, maybe after a few months you might be interested in him now and then. If he is worth it. Currently, he isn't.

sex as a weapon?

In this context that is ludicrous.

You have valid feelings that sex is not what you want right now (even if he were respectful, loving and emotionally healthy, you still mightn't want sex)

But all he can see is that you are withholding sex from him. ONLY HIS EXPERIENCE matters. You've told him how you feel and he's just declared that that doesn't matter.

He's a dick

DARVO is an acronym for "deny, attack, and reverse victim and offender". It refers to a reaction [that alleged] perpetrators of wrongdoing, particularly sexual offenders, may display in response to being held accountable for their behaviour. Some researchers and advocates have indicated that it can be as a common manipulation strategy of psychological abusers. An abuser (or alleged abuser) denies the abuse ever took place, attacks the person that alleged abuse (often the victim) for attempting to hold the abuser (or alleged abuser) accountable for their actions, and claims that they are actually the victim in the situation, thus reversing what may be a reality of victim and offender. It often involves not just "playing the victim" but also victim blaming.

That's one definition.

''Disallowing'' your reaction to their hurtful behaviour is DARVO too.
eg, ''I'm going to treat you badly but if you subject me to any sort of reaction to that, then I am the victim of YOU''

Really?

I don't think I made situations any better - I'd say I'd want sex in the day, and that was genuine, but when it came to it I couldn't get naked or by the time we'd get to bed I'd either be too tired, not had a shower and too tired or not had any affection throughout the day. It's like I'd feel turned on and fancied him so I would tell him, I guess that would get his hopes up, but when it came to it I either felt too self conscious or for example at any point in the day if he'd accidentally touch my belly I'd instantly be turned off thinking my belly was disgusting. So I wouldn't be able to do it.

Maybe I need to take some responsibility for getting his hopes up?

Nope.
He’s not owed sex.
please stop trying to take responsibility for his shitty behaviour

Your baby is 8 weeks old.
Your body has grown a new human being & given birth to it. That is a major thing.

Most people are not even thinking about having sex at this stage.

Your partner should be in awe at what your body has done to bring your (joint) child into the world. He should be looking after you, caring for you and respecting your wishes & feelings.

Instead he's being a total dickhead.

Be careful, very careful, that this behaviour doesn't become abuse.

Twice in the 8 weeks after birth? He’s doing bloody well! I was so ‘touched out’ with constant baby contact I couldn’t face much.

@SpiderVersed the week before at 7 weeks we didn't have it at all and that was a really tough week as he was in a mood for most of it. But the week before at week 6 we had it 4 times 🤷‍♀️

It took me a good 6 months after giving birth to be at all into sex so he's actually pretty lucky! It takes time for your tummy to go back down, it had 9 months to grow after all! He's obviously not finding your tummy off putting at all if that helps? For things like shower tell him what you need

@TheGoogleMum it doesn't seem to bother him you're right, it's more that it bothers me as I'm not used to looking like this, so I don't feel sexy or I feel too self conscious. He's more than happy to take over baby duties so I can have a shower etc it's just sometimes I'm too tired 😔

Yup.

You are not doing anything wrong OP.

Most men would be delighted at even having sex once eight weeks postpartum he needs to fuck off.

@MurderAtTheBeautyPageant That's unkind to Jay from the Inbetweeners. The OPs other half is worse.