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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want the fairy tale?

31 replies

StressfulBedtimes · 23/07/2022 01:05

I have a very solid life, long term relationship (15 years) 4 DC, mortgage, all that boring shite

However, up until maybe 6/7 years ago we were very on and off, and we both openly acknowledge that if it weren’t for the DC and having to see each other/be around each other during those breaks that we wouldn’t actually be together now
I have never been with anyone else since we met but he has been with lots of other women and had other girlfriends
Regardless now I’m happy, we’re the strongest we’ve ever been, and he gets me, even if it did take him a while
But I can’t help but think, will I regret this when I’m old?

I really want to be in a relationship where I feel like the person is just obsessed with me, can’t think about anyone else, wants me and only me, an all consuming love … and I’ve never really had that
Lots of people around me lately have died, some of them long term single women, and it makes me terrified that I’ll get to 80 and think ‘fuck, no one ever really loved me’

AIBU? Does that really exist? Am I comparing myself to a Disney fairytale and should I just be grateful for what I have?

OP posts:
Meraas · 23/07/2022 03:54

Fair enough if you don’t love him or want to be with him anymore, but I think your ideas of love are just that - a fairy tale. In reality, someone being obsessed with you would be a very toxic relationship.

Leaving a marriage you’re happy in for a fantasy of an obsessive, all-consuming love is madness. You’d be done after the first year.

ShippingNews · 23/07/2022 04:02

Don't fall for the fairy tale, there is no such thing. If you don't want to stay with him, fine, but don't kid yourself that Prince Charming would then arrive and sweep you off your feet .

Instead of dreaming of a fairy tale, take care of yourself and give yourself the best life possible.

RaisinGhost · 23/07/2022 04:51

Yanbu to want that, it sounds great, but ywbu to think you or anyone could have that, because it doesn't exist.

Yes you might think that at 80 but so will all of us. Kindly, why should you be the exception.

I think you are a bit like me, always living the provisional life. Happy enough but secretly waiting for my real relationship/career/house/friends to materialise.

Clymene · 23/07/2022 04:53

Will you regret having compromised and staying with a man who has treated you like shit? Quite possibly. Will you find someone else who adores you rather than treats you like a tatty old pair of slippers? Who knows? I mean you've already done all the compromising so it would be risky to leave on he offchance.

I will say though that women typically live longer than men in better health so you may find you spend years caring for him at the end.

InChocolateWeTrust · 23/07/2022 05:25

Fair enough if you don’t love him or want to be with him anymore, but I think your ideas of love are just that - a fairy tale

This

Also it can be like that a little at the beginning of a relationship when it's new and exciting but being together long term is rarely like that. "All consuming love" gets watered down a bit when the kids are bickering and the dog wants walking and you are both no longer sexy young 25 year olds spending your time on holidays and fun and nights out.

fingersg · 23/07/2022 06:14

I really want to be in a relationship where I feel like the person is just obsessed with me, can’t think about anyone else, wants me and only me, an all consuming love … and I’ve never really had that

I would say this doesn't really last as all consuming takes up too much time!

despicable · 23/07/2022 06:19

RaisinGhost · 23/07/2022 04:51

Yanbu to want that, it sounds great, but ywbu to think you or anyone could have that, because it doesn't exist.

Yes you might think that at 80 but so will all of us. Kindly, why should you be the exception.

I think you are a bit like me, always living the provisional life. Happy enough but secretly waiting for my real relationship/career/house/friends to materialise.

Hey, I'm a bit like this too. Wonder why?

Fairyliz · 23/07/2022 06:21

I’m sure Prince Charming is out there, but in the fairy tale he meets a beautiful young princess not someone with four children.
Sorry but you are being ridiculous.

RaisinGhost · 23/07/2022 06:53

Hey, I'm a bit like this too. Wonder why?

I think everyone is, aren't they? Also described by the saying, life is what happens when you are busy making other plans.

dudsville · 23/07/2022 06:59

You know what you want, but I wouldn't call that love. It's unrealistic and can also be smothering, controlling. Most people are average by definition, and good average deep, meaningful love is fabulous. The couple who've been together happily, lovingly, thoughtfully for decades is truly a thing of immense beauty. The couple in "Up" for example. But like I said, you kow what you want and how you define love, and that's for you to navigate. It sounds tricky.

Heatstrokeunsteady · 23/07/2022 07:07

YANBU because obsessive love turns to stalking if you go off them and that isn’t fun at all. I understand what you mean though and of course everyone wants to have loved and been loved.

I think your problem is more being stuck in an unsatisfactory marriage. You aren’t prepared to leave so you daysream.

MissSmiley · 23/07/2022 07:10

I wouldn't describe an on off relationship with someone who dates other people as solid, maybe you just crave some actual stability. Leave, life is too short to be with someone who doesn't respect you

Didimum · 23/07/2022 07:21

It may exist, but it sounds completely unhealthy to be obsessed and all consumed by a relationship.

Milly2016 · 23/07/2022 07:23

There's a happy medium between what you have and obsessive love.

I think your problem is that you and your DP have never really been into one another.
That's a recipe for lifelong dissatisfaction.

Being into some is not the same as obsession.

The recipe for lasting relationship is meeting someone you're really into, having a honeymoon phase and then quiet satisfaction.

You'll never be happy because either you or your DP (or both) settled.
F* all to do with obsession.

Were you in a fwb relationship at first? They suck.

Herejustforthisone · 23/07/2022 07:37

He’s had lots of other girlfriends and shagged about while you’ve been ‘off’? I think I’d come to regret waiting around for a relationship like this too.

RedHelenB · 23/07/2022 07:42

So at the beginning of your relationship you never felt like you were the only one!? I had the fairy tale but we're divorced now. I don't think that fluttery all consuming love can last forever I am glad I had the relationship though. You dont sound happy though. Homesrtly, being on your own isn't that bad.

Milly2016 · 23/07/2022 07:45

Herejustforthisone · 23/07/2022 07:37

He’s had lots of other girlfriends and shagged about while you’ve been ‘off’? I think I’d come to regret waiting around for a relationship like this too.

Yeah. It's not obsession she's after, she just wants a normal relationship.

MiddleParking · 23/07/2022 07:45

I’d call that neither a very solid life nor a 15 year relationship tbh if he’s dated other people in that time. Sounds like he’s the source of your dissatisfaction. (Also how the hell do you have the bandwidth to dream of all-consuming romance when you’ve got four kids? I’ve got two and all I want is more sleep.)

EarringsandLipstick · 23/07/2022 07:49

I have a very solid life, long term relationship (15 years) 4 DC, mortgage, all that boring shite

No you don't.

Jesus. I had to re-read your post several times to make sure I had it correctly - in 15 years, you've had many breaks, during which he shagged around, tho you didn't (no doubt as you were caring for young DC)

Why would you tolerate this crap?

You want commitment & stability. You have not got it from this man. Find someone who respects you - or rather, respect yourself & finish it.

felulageller · 23/07/2022 08:03

I hope he doesn't own the house and you don't have your own money?

Dozycuntlaters · 23/07/2022 08:13

Believe me, there is nothing worse than being in a relationship where someone is obsessed with you, only wants you, thinks about you all the time. Stifling, unrealistic and bloody draining.

If you are happy now then why sabotage?

Octomore · 23/07/2022 08:15

a relationship where I feel like the person is just obsessed with me, can’t think about anyone else, wants me and only me, an all consuming love …

That is not the basis of a healthy, happy relationship. It's the basis of a suffocating, codependent mess.

There is a happy middle ground between that and being with a man who isn't that bothered about you and sleeps with other women. That's the real fairytale ending, not the obsessive clusterfuck you describe above.

DockOTheBay · 23/07/2022 08:18

I really want to be in a relationship where I feel like the person is just obsessed with me, can’t think about anyone else, wants me and only me, an all consuming love
That sounds kind of unhealthy.
There must be a happy medium between "all consuming obsession" and "on/off relationship where he sleeps around".

lljkk · 23/07/2022 08:20

obsessed with me, can’t think about anyone else, wants me and only me, an all consuming love

Sounds like a prison to me. Way too dependent.
Friend has spent years grieving over loss of a relationship loss that was like that, at least she thought so... turns out he was probably cheating on her for years. She's not convinced me the fairy tale was worthwhile.

If your fellow is truly committed to you now, A more realistic relationship is better, every time.

Octomore · 23/07/2022 08:30

I'm interested to know why you hung around for him during those on/off periods where he was off having other girlfriends.

What's your self esteem like generally?

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