To ask if you're like your MiL

[AugustBabe]

My MiL is a wimp. She worships DH and tolerates all his crap, and never questions him. When we go stay she gives up her bed and she sleeps on the sofa. She's 70. She puts up with FiL and his awfulness. She takes on all the grandkids. I've never seen her complain once

I always thought PATHETIC. Probably very judgemental of me in my 20s when I first met future DH

Now I have 2DC etc and I realise...im acting like her....I bite my tongue when DH is banging on about something ridiculous, I still carry my 3 year old when he asks even though my pelvic floor is getting worse, I'm still breastfeeding my 15 month old because he screams otherwise. I spend my life agreeing to things I'd rather not. I'm quite confident and career driven and never thought of myself as a walk over but I'm just my MiL. Just at the start. God in 40 years I'll be sleeping on an old sofa while my over indulged son snoors in my bed. It's actually so upsetting

WTF. I need to change. Why does history just repeat itself??

Is anyone else more like their MIL than they'd like to admit???

No I'm not like my MiL

but then, my MiL isn't anything like yours
but equally, I was never like the way you describe yourself.

Nope not here either (and sadly she died a good decade ago)

Don't use the MIL trope as an excuse for being crap at making decisions and planning stuff

By the way why blame your MIL and not your own values/experiences or your own family/mother?

I would be mortified if my husband acted as yours did. Like serving divorce papers mortified.

Your husband is a piece of work. And your sons will learn from him how to treat women.

I’m thankfully nothing like my MIL but I haven’t seen her in years, she’s a prime example of how not to treat your children in a different way.

The way you speak about her is really cruel and unpleasant. Maybe that’s because you’re having a hard time and your husband is a twat.

Who sleeps in her bed when you all go to visit? Hopefully not you and DH. If so doesn't that make you as selfish as him.

I am both very different to my MIL and very similar. Superficially we look different - I’m better educated, have had a career, have higher expectations of her son and expect more of life. On the other hand we are both strong, matriarchal women on the outside with a martyr streak on the inside.

Your DH may (unconsciously) chosen you because you have a tendency to be like your MIL and be everyone’s doormat. You can choose not to be like this, and take her as a warning. Put the kids down, tell DH that actually you disagree with him and he;s being a dick, and get MIL back in his bed. You have this.

So as you’ve become a parent you’ve become more sympathetic to how your MIL ended up as she is. Which is good as you can avoid falling into the longer term trap.

But carrying a 3 year old and breastfeeding a 15 month old is nothing like mollycoddling a grown man, so you don’t necessarily need to overreact to that.

You will want to make sure that DH doesn’t turn into FIL, with you reacting like MIL. You can do something about that. It’s a wake-up call to see what you’ll be like at 70 if you don’t. Your DH may think it’s normal.

FWIW I’ve not grown to be anything like my MIL, but I’ve also lead a very different (easier) life.

I don't think I would have a lot of respect for DH if he allowed his 70 year old mother to sleep on the sofa whilst he took her bed.

I’m a bit like mine - I noticed it very early on in my relationship with DH! She can be quite difficult and self-centred and so can I, although not as much as her (I think!) I often wonder what it says about DH that he chose me… He always claims he can’t see it.

My MIL is absolutely not a problem.

Dead 23 years mind you, so that might be part of the reason.

Mine is grand
She is a terrible cook but tries her best

She didn't approve of breastfeeding but never said any to me, just phoned my husband to ask him to suggest formula at night so I could get some sleep

She also buys me terrible expensive knick knacks for Christmas

I would be like her in the way I love my husband and children

We're nothing alike, in terms of personality and interests. But I do see a repeating dynamic, which is also reflected in my side of the family.

In all cases, the mother (me, MIL, DM) is the driving force of the family, and the father (DH, DF, FIL) is the semi-emotionally absent but very loyal assistant.

I sometimes think that this slipping into a role made it feel natural for us to be together and wonder whether either of us having therapy earlier would have taken this marriage off the cards!

Nope. Nothing like mine. She was much more kinder and empathetic than me. She was very middle class (head girl at private school etc), I’m from a rough council estate. She welcomed me with open arms: and never acted superior.

physically we are also the opposite. She was very slim and blonde, thoughtful and quiet. I’m very fat, dark haired, blunder through life and very loud

Mine is no longer with us sadly, but we weren't in the least bit alike. She was a nice woman and we managed to get on, but we had nothing in common apart from her son.

When we go stay she gives up her bed and she sleeps on the sofa.

If you go along with this you're as bad as your twat of a husband.

That's lovely
I suspect my DIL feels as alien to me as you to your MIL but I can only hope for that kind of appreciation

Firstly, carrying and breastfeeding your children isn’t comparable to sleeping on the sofa while your adult son (and his wife?) take your bed. Having said that, you can stop doing both if you want to.

Your DH sounds dreadful, and the way you talk about your MIL is really nasty and disrespectful.

Christ, no!

My ex-mil basically wanted to be her son's wife. She was the weirdest woman I have ever met.

She had a shared bank account with her adult son. She still bought him underwear when he's in his 40s ? She wanted to choose her son's crockery and kitchen tiles, and go with him on all his holidays? She was completely deranged.

Christ no , mine is a complete misery and very manipulative .

I feel that my MIL is a bit pathetic. She broke a bone in her foot a few years ago and this meant that she lost all her confidence in walking. I get that, but she made dh buy her a walker thing as she can’t walk without it, he has to do all her shopping and go sit with her 3 nights a week as she’d be lonely otherwise. She won’t go out anywhere alone as she can’t manage as she’s so dependent on dh getting her shopping and taking her places in taxis etc. she has made no attempt to work on walking without the walker, heading out on her own to do shopping etc. If we were to move away I honestly don’t know how she’d manage.
this woman is in her early 70’s I really hope when I her age I’m not anything like her.

Same. It's a bit mad when I think about it too much

Interesting how you describe a woman who is generous and kind as if there was something wrong with her, and yet have no criticism at all for the people who are awful, your dh who takes her bed and your FIL.

I am totally different from my MIL but she was wonderful in her way and so am I.

I’m nothing like my MiL but we do get on. The one thing that binds us is our love for her son.

God, no!
She hates any sort of conflict, even just putting her point of view across in case it causes an argument. I don't suffer fools and will say my piece if there is something that needs saying (not in an aggressive way but I won't sit back and be a door mat).

She is racist and homophobic. I am not. (See above, sometimes things need saying to her!)