To ask if you're like your MiL

[AugustBabe]

My MiL is a wimp. She worships DH and tolerates all his crap, and never questions him. When we go stay she gives up her bed and she sleeps on the sofa. She's 70. She puts up with FiL and his awfulness. She takes on all the grandkids. I've never seen her complain once

I always thought PATHETIC. Probably very judgemental of me in my 20s when I first met future DH

Now I have 2DC etc and I realise...im acting like her....I bite my tongue when DH is banging on about something ridiculous, I still carry my 3 year old when he asks even though my pelvic floor is getting worse, I'm still breastfeeding my 15 month old because he screams otherwise. I spend my life agreeing to things I'd rather not. I'm quite confident and career driven and never thought of myself as a walk over but I'm just my MiL. Just at the start. God in 40 years I'll be sleeping on an old sofa while my over indulged son snoors in my bed. It's actually so upsetting

WTF. I need to change. Why does history just repeat itself??

Is anyone else more like their MIL than they'd like to admit???

I had a lovely MIL, in some ways we are similar, I miss her a lot, she died last year.

I kicked mine out of my house once.
I had had enough of her shit and asked her to leave.
She jumped up and said " my son owns half of this house so you can't make me leave"
I said " well today he owns upstairs, so get your coat and fuck off "

We actually getting along fine now. I showed her what I wouldn't tolerate and she has never been an idiot again.

Sorry I sound like a knob in my first post.

DH is spoilt, entitled and expects to be mothered. And now years on I'm just turning into his mother...going out my way to make his life easy and indulge all his nonsense. I guess I just never thought I was like that. I always thought I was opposite to be MIL. She's a lovely woman but she lives to serve others. She never sits down. I remember last time I saw them DH lost his book in the park and MiL got up early the next morning to walk up and down the park by herself to find it. She uses a walking stick FFS. The book cost a fiver. DH didn't even think it was weird.

Oh and the bed thing is causing an issue. I'm refusing to go stay at MiL house because of it. MiL is upset about it. DH thinks I'm being ridiculous.

I feel like history is just repeating. My 3 year old told me to be quiet this week and my DH said "well said son" and then laughed.

I saw someone on here talking about being a circuit breaker...taking action to stop the cycle of toxic dynamics...and I think I need to do that.

It sounds as though you have some of the same people pleasing tendencies as your mil. He’s definitely picked you as another woman he can walk all over and now he’s encouraging it in his son too. You absolutely need to break the cycle before your son is doing it to his partner in 20 years.

I’m nothing like my mil btw

I hope I'm like my MIL, she's great.

I really don't think that how you parent your very young children can be compared to how you are MIL around her adult children though. Of course you do more for your young children than you hope to end up doing for your adult ones! I don't think carrying a 3 year old is a sign of someone who will forever be a pushover.

God in 40 years I'll be sleeping on an old sofa while my over indulged son snoors in my bed. It's actually so upsetting

Overindulged son and daughter in law, surely? Unless you sleep elsewhere? If she's such a "wimp", just insist on sleeping on the sofa yourself?

Your DH is absolutely horrendous. And I can't quite believe you allow a 70 year old to sleep on the sofa while you both take her bed - that's disgusting on both your parts.

Your MiL sounds like a lovely, kind woman who behaved way she does because her husband is abusive and her son is the same way, and she just wants them to be happy and not argue or take their anger out on her.

I feel incredibly sorry for her.

You need to change this and NOW. Your own son is going to grow up thinking this behaviour is acceptable.

‘If you want to know how your DH will treat you in the future, look at how he treats his Mum’ This has always been good advice.

I left a BF at 18 because of how he treated his DM.

My 3 year old told me to be quiet this week and my DH said "well said son" and then laughed.

I saw someone on here talking about being a circuit breaker...taking action to stop the cycle of toxic dynamics...and I think I need to do that.

I think you are over-complicating it.

Your 'D'H is an absolute arsehole. This is what you need to address. His treatment of his mother is part of this.

Your two DC are .. small children. You caring for them is not some 'toxic dynamic' tho sure, you might want to be firm with your 3 yo about being carried & insist on manners.

If your DH is routinely uncaring & boorish, it sounds like this has caused you to start losing your sense of self, due to unhappiness.

In a nutshell, you've a DH problem - not a MIL one, not some failing in you.

@coffeecupsandfairylights I'm refusing to go her house before I refuse to sleep in her bed. It's causing serious issues.

MiL was very angry with me last time as I refused to sleep in her bed.

"If I didn't want to sleep on the sofa I wouldn't"

She got really angry with me. (She gets annoyed with me regularly because she doesn't think I do enough for DH)

But yes I feel sorry for her. I know I have a DH problem and I'm already talking to a solicitor. This post was just about where u start acting in a way that u never thought u would and see history repeating itself. I always thought me and MiL were opposite but maybe not so much

Mine has now sie but by heck, she was formidable. She would be 105 I'd she was still alive and was an English women born overseas and has a lot of privilege. She dies in poverty but was extremely knowledgeable a bad very well educated. There was nothing she could talk about or do domestically. She was very ahead of her time politically and really stood up for herself as a woman when married women had very few rights.
We did clash at times but I really liked her although her heavy smoking in my house got on my nerves and she thought I was precious about that!🤣

No I'm not. Mine tolerates crap from FIL that I wouldn't take in a million years. Thankfully DH is nothing like his father.

Your DH is like his father and if you don't intervene your DS will end up like them too. Your DH sounds lawful and entitled oh and lets not forget a misogynist. You can break the cycle- look at MIL and ask if that is how you see yourself in 40yrs?

awful not lawful!!

My MIL is gregarious, loving, forgiving, thoughtful, family focused and while hugely capable won't do a dirty task if she can get someone else to do it. All very similar to me. I adore her enough to not want to write down her negatives, including those I share.

In life, there are those who think of others and those who think of themselves. Unfortunately it sounds like your DH has been raised to think of himself. Address that with him and fix that problem, rather than criticizing your MIL for giving things up for him. The cycle breaks with you, not with her.

I think the first thing might be to start being very very kind and much more respectful about and to your MIL, including in the way you speak about her. Show your sons that all women deserve respect regardless of their personality.

Focus on her good points and build her up, in her company too so she hears it.

Call your DH out every time he is disrespectful about the women in his life.

Also don't upset your MIL about the bed thing. If your DH won't sleep on the sofa bed accept it and go anyway if that's what she wants. Work on him to change, don't punish her.

She's angry because she knows what she has done, she knows what your DH is like, and she made a decision a long time ago to suck it up to have her family around her. You are complicating things. She knows she is a push over and it's uncomfortable to have you point it out. Imagine if someone came along to you and said 'god you are such a push over - you need to stop picking your son up and breastfeeding the other- pathetic'. You might feel a bit defensive even though you know it's true really

To be honest I'd accept the bed thing with good grace if that is what she has always done and insists on it. Or you could work on it gradually- keep chipping away.

Sorry - didn't mean to suggest it actually is pathetic to be breastfeeding and picking up a toddler. It's not at all - carry on doing those things for your lovely boys - they are tiny still.

My mil sadly now passed,was kind and didn't like to rock the boat going along with fil .I am more forceful. However older women who are often financially reliant on their husbands seem to have a pattern of behaving like your mil .why is she giving up her bed though.and where does fil sleep!

I think it sounds like your making steps to break the cycle if you’re speaking to a solicitor.
FWIW I’m nothing like my MIL. Which is possibly one of the things my DP liked about me initially. My mil is toxic and my DP has very low contact with her because of that.
We limit contact with our dc too.

I think some people will replicate the same vicious cycle of dysfunctional behaviour where as others will try to break it.
It’s obviously in you DHs benefit to continue with this behaviour. I can’t believe he sleeps in his Mums bed while she sleeps on the sofa. Where does FIL sleep ?