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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Elderly father

44 replies

Simplehappyzen · 22/07/2022 20:28

Good evening all...my DM sadly passed away 2.5 years ago and since then my DDad has stayed in their bungalow. DM passed 3 months before first lock down and so I made the decision to bubble up move in with DDad to help support him and to provide emotional and practical help. He really wasnt coping well and no wonder after 61 years of marriage. My DH and DS stayed at home and after 7 months I decided to hybrid reside between the two homes with a view to gently reverting back to staying at home. This is how it has been ever since. DS is now 17 and tends to come and stay with me at DDads. In addition I do all DDad's cleaning, life admin, medical appointments, I've encouraged him to join two lunch clubs aimed at the elderly and he also goes fishing with a neighbour. Despite DDad being 83 he is generally fit and well. The issues I have are...he still expects me to go and see him every day, expects me to sleep over half the week, is a constant emotional drain and I feel at breaking point. I have done everything I can to help encourage his independence but he will phone me up if I've not been around so far that day and I feel so bad as he's so lonely. When I do go round he can be so negative and bitter. He sits and moans about the rest of the family, starts drinking at 4pm each day which only fuels his anger and today I have just lost my patience and gone mad at him. I feel totally terrible now but realise this has probably been building up for a while. Just what do I do moving forward? I honestly feel at breaking point but desperately hate the fact Ddad is so lonely. I know if I left him to it he would just give up and I'd never forgive myself. Can anyone please advise if been in a similar situation? Please no nasty comments...I'm fragile enough this evening 😢

OP posts:
saraclara · 22/07/2022 20:34

He's only 83 and fit and well. And you've spent seven years living with him half the week, presumably at the expense of your DH and kids.

This is unsustainable, and you have to put your own household first. Presumably your DS had to witness his GF's behaviour in order to spend time with you.

It's not on, and you know it. This outburst needs to be the catalyst for you telling your father that this can't go on.

You should not be putting him first in this way. You really shouldn't. He is responsible for his own life.

saraclara · 22/07/2022 20:35

Nor seven years. Two years. I don't know how I typed the wrong number

Original poster
Simplehappyzen · 22/07/2022 20:37

I lived with him for 7 months, not 7 years and it was because of lockdown and the whole you can only live at one house etc. So it's been the last 2 years I've lived between the two houses.

OP posts:
thesandwich · 22/07/2022 20:37

You matter. Your happiness matters. You are not responsible for his.

saraclara · 22/07/2022 20:46

Simplehappyzen · 22/07/2022 20:37

I lived with him for 7 months, not 7 years and it was because of lockdown and the whole you can only live at one house etc. So it's been the last 2 years I've lived between the two houses.

Yep. I corrected myself. I knew it was two years but had some kind of brain blip.

saraclara · 22/07/2022 20:52

I'm trying not to be harsh, but you left your 14/15 year old son for your dad? Bubbling with him didn't mean that you could ONLY live with him. You and your family became a household with him and you could all come and go as you pleased.

I'm sorry, but you made the wrong decision and you now need to put it right, for your son's sake. In two years you didn't do anything about gently weaning your father off this arrangement. So it looks like a cold turkey response is now all you have.

He didn't actually need a carer as he's fit and well. But maybe you could contact AgeUK and see if they have a befriending service that might help him?

bruce43mydog · 22/07/2022 20:53

You have to look after youself. Its good that your Dad is fit and well. You have supported him in his grief. Just keep supporting him as best you can, its all you can do. Its a difficult situation for all concerned. You are amazing and i hope your Dad appriciates all that you do.

11Hawkins · 22/07/2022 20:54

Could he not move into over 55s housing or something similar? He'll have lots of company then.

Original poster
Simplehappyzen · 22/07/2022 21:01

saraclara · 22/07/2022 20:52

I'm trying not to be harsh, but you left your 14/15 year old son for your dad? Bubbling with him didn't mean that you could ONLY live with him. You and your family became a household with him and you could all come and go as you pleased.

I'm sorry, but you made the wrong decision and you now need to put it right, for your son's sake. In two years you didn't do anything about gently weaning your father off this arrangement. So it looks like a cold turkey response is now all you have.

He didn't actually need a carer as he's fit and well. But maybe you could contact AgeUK and see if they have a befriending service that might help him?

Thank you for your reply and I take on board what you have said. Just to confirm, as we understood it only one person could go to my Ddads during the first lockdown. In addition, I did go home in that time but just not to sleep. We felt it safer to just have me staying at DDads to protect him from covid. My DS is my absolute number one and has in no way suffered any ill effects from my looking out for DDad.
The whole purpose of trying to get DDad taking more responsibility for his own happiness was to get him involved in local clubs so he can get out of the house and spend time with other lonely older people. This was all part of my structure to hopefully be able to live at home fully once again but it hasn't worked at all.

OP posts:
Original poster
Simplehappyzen · 22/07/2022 21:03

11Hawkins · 22/07/2022 20:54

Could he not move into over 55s housing or something similar? He'll have lots of company then.

This would be an absolutely perfect scenario but he's of the opinion 'he will only leave his bungalow in a box 🙈'. Honestly I'm being driven round the bend today!

OP posts:
Original poster
Simplehappyzen · 22/07/2022 21:05

bruce43mydog · 22/07/2022 20:53

You have to look after youself. Its good that your Dad is fit and well. You have supported him in his grief. Just keep supporting him as best you can, its all you can do. Its a difficult situation for all concerned. You are amazing and i hope your Dad appriciates all that you do.

Thank you 😊 I really am just trying to do my best 😊

OP posts:
JoanWilderbeast · 22/07/2022 21:08

Not helpful to you, sorry. But this people living longer than they used to is a new thing and a work in progress. It needs to get more airing and discussion as to what it means for everyone involved and that the onus needs to be shared more equally between the elderly and their children, IMHO.

girlfrien · 22/07/2022 21:15

Wow its really selfish to demand all your time.

He needs to get some interests or be content in his own company.

I agree that moving into accommodation where there are alot of people around and activities going on are a good idea. They are however very hard to sell if you buy one.

SilverPeacock · 22/07/2022 21:15

You have really gone above and beyond to care for him and you sound very caring. But you need to make sure you look after yourself as well which I know is easier said than done. You are going to have to tell him you are now moving home but give him reassurance that you will still visit him. Maybe slowly reduce it down and get into a new routine with him. He could go on for years op and you need to have a life!

SilverPeacock · 22/07/2022 21:17

Also can he afford to get a cleaner?

user1471446478 · 22/07/2022 21:20

You've been a great support to your dad through trying times after his bereavement (and yours) and through Covid. Long term, you both need a better solution. What options are available to you? A really good resource for advice is the Elderly Parent Forum.

SilverPeacock · 22/07/2022 21:22

There might be carers organisation/support in your area which you could talk through options or just get some moral support

Stopthebusplease · 22/07/2022 21:28

What a wonderful thing to have done for him OP! However, I think it's time to have a hard conversation with him. Tell him that much as you love him, you feel you've done all you can to help him through the most difficult part of losing his life partner, and now he needs to put in some effort. Presumably, like many people, your life was put on hold somewhat during lockdowns etc., so could you perhaps explain to him that now we're no longer in lockdown, and that everything has more or less got back to normal, your own life needs more attention, and that while you will still go and visit him, it can no longer be every day. Maybe suggest that he invites some of the people he's met at the lunch clubs, round for a cuppa, or if he's made some male friends, maybe he should suggest a meet up at the pub. Then if he moans and says he can't or won't, you'll just have to be hard and tell him that if he's not prepared to help himself, then there's nothing else you can do to help him. Good luck, but do bear in mind you have done more than most would do for an elderly parent, and should be proud of yourself.

PeanutAnarchy · 22/07/2022 21:40

My Dad died recently aged 96.

He was incontinent and unable to walk by that stage.

He had carers in a couple of times a day, but I was his crutch and always the first person he called if things went wrong. This meant phone calls to say he couldn't sleep, had soiled himself, had dropped/broken a glass, the carer hadn't showed up, etc.

I dreaded any calls from him and the last couple of years were a nightmare. I would prioritise him over birthdays/holidays/planned family events.

He was actually a really good Dad, just scared and needy as he grew older.

Looking back I wish I'd had more rules to protect myself and my family from his benign tyranny.

Please protect yourself from falling into this trap.

forrestgreen · 22/07/2022 21:50

'Dd I know you'll agree I've done everything I could over the last few years including living here, cleaning shopping etc. We need to start to live normally now so we need to set out the routines. Monday etc I'll come visit and I'll ring you on x day. I'll show you how to order your shopping. You've lunch club on x days and fishing with Bob on xday. Would you like to find other things to do or is that enough to keep you busy? I've also got the number of a great cleaner too'

Basically you've been a stand in wife, he needs to adjust to the new norm sadly, and he won't while you still do it all.

dottypotter · 22/07/2022 21:52

My elderly father was supported by his children after our mum died. Visits and phonecards etc.

He was in no way demanding though and built his own life and got on with it. He had some interests etc. Quite proud of him really.

Heterodontus · 22/07/2022 21:57

I know people older than your DF who live independently, do their own shopping, cooking, life admin, but have a cleaner & gardener & some other outside assistance when required .

There is no need for you to be sleeping at his home. He is not a child & you are not his wife !

Your DF could live another 10, 15, 20 years

What happens if you want to go on holiday ?

I think that you need to decrease what you are doing & set some clear boundaries

Original poster
Simplehappyzen · 22/07/2022 21:59

PeanutAnarchy · 22/07/2022 21:40

My Dad died recently aged 96.

He was incontinent and unable to walk by that stage.

He had carers in a couple of times a day, but I was his crutch and always the first person he called if things went wrong. This meant phone calls to say he couldn't sleep, had soiled himself, had dropped/broken a glass, the carer hadn't showed up, etc.

I dreaded any calls from him and the last couple of years were a nightmare. I would prioritise him over birthdays/holidays/planned family events.

He was actually a really good Dad, just scared and needy as he grew older.

Looking back I wish I'd had more rules to protect myself and my family from his benign tyranny.

Please protect yourself from falling into this trap.

This is what I am secretly petrified of happening. Obviously I want my dad to live a long and happy life but at what cost? My Ddad is really great dad who i know has always done his absolute best for us but now terribly lonely.
I really do think its time to set out my station so to speak isn't it. Bless you on the passing of your ddad x

OP posts:
Heterodontus · 22/07/2022 22:00

Prioritise yourself & your immediate family, including your child

Winter2020 · 22/07/2022 22:04

This could be contraversial or sound flippant but do you think your dad would like to date/find companionship.

Obvious possible implications re inheritance but could give you your life back.

I'm thinking if you offered a little help meeting a date/companion online. Someone local in a similar circumstance - you could help protect him from scammers/help screen people to ensure they are real/local and genuine

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